Excluded from grandchildren's life

[GrandmDEA]

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

If I was half as judgemental and disapproving about either of my daughters-in-law as you are about yours, my sons wouldn’t have bothered about gently withdrawing, they’ve have told me to fuck off, frankly.

They might have had their concerns privately, but that should be kept to themselves. No one can control with who, when and how they fall in love, so why would a parent expect to.

Ditto. And ditto.

people may have been harsh to the Op, but there is still nothing in her posts suggesting her DIL is making all the decisions whatsoever

I don’t think we even need to get into rights and wrongs of who said what, whether they were right or wrong to say it etc.

The bottom line is that parents have responsibilities and rights relating to their own children. For grandparents, grandchildren are a blessing, lovely to have but you exist in their lives by grace not enforcement. It therefore pays not to alienate their parents. Awkward perhaps, but true.

Your son has told you the issue, Op.

I usually support OPs on here as they're often judged without facts but in this situation, it cannot be clearer how horrible this OP is to her son's family.

I am sorry but I refuse to believe you are not similar to OP in terms of personality. I don't think anyone could defend her unless they held the exact same views. She's a vile person.

It sounds as if your DIL really wants to be back in Ukraine with her wider family. Daughters, especially, can miss their mothers when they have young children themselves, and in countries such as Ukraine - family is very important. I imagine her mother also wants to see her grandchildren - especially if they are her first.

You might just have to accept that you will not get to know these two of your grandchildren in the intimate way that you know your others.

It sounds like you’ve been absolutely vile to your daughter in law, it’s no wonder she won’t see you and it sounds like your son isn’t really bothered either, understandably. You have absolutely zero rights to see your grandchildren, your opinions about their parenting choices mean nothing as you are not their parent. I would actively be trying to prevent you seeing them if I was your DIL as you sound toxic.

So do you, to be honest.

Yet you’ve decided that the son, a grown ass man with agency, is being controlled by his wife, as if he’s incapable of keeping his own mother at arms length by his own choice.

Why? Do you figure that someone has to be telling him what to do, and if it isn’t his mother then it must be his wife?

Why is his wife more obliged to make more of an effort with his mother than he is?

Yabu you don’t like his wife. You made that perfectly clear and in fact he knew you wouldn’t like her before you even knew about her which is why you had no clue about the wedding.

The issue here is you. Your son keeps you at arms length due to your opinions.

OP, the more you post the worse you come across. No wonder they want little to nothing to do with you. You're lucky to be in touch with them at all. In their shoes I'd be keeping my children far away from your toxic and entitled attitude.

Good grief, you act like these are you children instead of your grandchildren. Take a chill pill and realize what your actual position is in their lives. Have some respect before expecting respect in return. At this moment you deserve none.

Unfortunately, whilst your intentions may have come from a good place, you have overstepped in so many instances that I am not surprised they keep you at a distance. Your children are now adults and free to make choices which you disagree with. You need to button your lip and keep your misgivings to yourself.

Sorry OP its not a nice situation you find yourself in but your son is backing his wife, who he must feel has been wronged and he must feel he can agree with the treatment of the pair of them. My advice is to leave it alone. Say and do nothing more, however unfairly you feel you have been treated . Time will resolve this as it usually does with most things. I would comfort yourself in knowing your son is happy with his lot and thats all we can ask as parents, that our kids are safe and happy, they owe us nothing. Sit back do nothing is my advice,however painful and let time heal things on all sides.

There is no point in living in this state of angst. Forget about them, they are not worth it .

This is so sad….instead of mentally preparing yourself, couldn’t you have tried to speak to him about it?

In the Ukraine the culture is much more transactional and practical than the UK. They won’t receive any support from her parents without frequent in person visits - I know of Ukraine mums whose mums cut them off for not visiting every holiday. OP needs to operate a similar mentality / strategy. Ultimately her DS is the one who needs to faciliate visits - if he can’t be bothered then OP should just enjoy her other gp.

Never fails to amaze me how oblivious people are to their own ways.

your own son chose to invite colleagues to his wedding over his family. You aren’t the tight knit family you think you are OP. He’s got his own now and he’s happily trying to keep you at arms length and really I can see why. You sound like a nasty piece of work.

As someone else has said, read what you have wrote, no wonder they stay away.

Where the kids go is their business (parents) not yours.

When you see the kids is up to them.

Seems you don't like the wife. If you can change that and show respect for how she brings up her own children perhaps the relationship will improve for you? As you said the place they stay is small (2 bed 2 children), so you can't then complain about them saying you can't stay cause it's too small.

It must be really frustrating to have these feelings and from reading it its genuine hurt, but unfortunately, in my opinion, you are being unreasonable.

If I had it my way I would be married in private with no one there. Marriage is about the two people and if thats what they did then tough tittie. Yes every mum wants to see their child married but its down to what they want to do. Let go of that now - its done. Maybe just ask to see some photos to feel more a part of that moment and then still let go.

They're worth more than the racist, judgemental OP IMO.

"If we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy"

Don't do this.

More likely she wants to keep her, and her children’s, connection to their homeland, language and traditions (OP mentioned Easter) strong. Ukraine is their home, they’re only in the UK because they’ve been displaced by war.

Ukrainians are familiar with emigration and the practical implications of that. Some parents may cut off children for not visiting on the schedule they’d like, but then so do some British parents.

She warned her son off marrying her by saying her DIL was a foreign gold-digger. So clearly the OP has done something to the DIL previously.

Sounds like he's got the measure of you.