WWYD: Nosy neighbour driving me insane.

[EdinaMonsoon]

I have a situation that I find stressful but I do not know how to resolve it. I am therefore looking for words of wisdom, especially from those who may have had some experience of this situation.

For context, I live in a hot country where it is the norm to spend most of our time in our gardens and on my street the gardens are at the front of the house. It is also the norm for doors and windows to be open constantly. Both of these things obviously mean that life is perhaps less private than in a cooler climate.

The majority of people who walk past my house seem to be able to do so without gawping in, even if I am in the garden. My neighbour however seems incapable of walking past my house without peering in. Now I’m not talking about a casual glance, I am talking about 100% full on staring. The kind of uncomfortable staring that makes you feel awkward as hell. He does it to such an extent that even when he has passed the house, he continues to stare over his shoulder. This is happening several times a day and has been for the last couple of years. I recently installed fencing to increase the privacy of my garden, but that doesn’t seem to have stopped him.

I live alone and don’t exactly relish the idea of confrontation. I don’t believe that he is attracted to me, I think he is just one of those men who thinks that everything is his business.

So my question is: am I being unreasonable to think that this behaviour is unacceptable?

And what the hell would you do about it if you were in my shoes?

Can you make the fence taller ? Bushes ir flowers to obscure the view .
Keep a diary of everytime he does this incase things escalate or you feel like taking further action .
Obviously different countries have different laws so doubt anyone can help without knowing which one you live in !

For the house, get linen opaque breeezy curtains. Or shutters. Anything to obscure you. The garden issue is tricky. Would planting of more dense foliage work?

What about those flappy-type curtains? Either muslin or those plastic strip ones that you get at the doors to butchers' shops to prevent insects? If you live somewhere hot then don't you have to try to stop insects getting inside - some nice wafty curtains would stop that too and let the air in.

It’s impossible to increase the fence height unfortunately. I already have the maximum height permitted. It’s also an upside down house with the sitting room on the first floor which is clearly visible from the street.

I don’t want to have to barricade myself in to my own home!

Muslin curtains would work. I have been resisting them since I love the view from my house but perhaps this is a good option right now.

I put in new plants when I had the fence installed but most of them are pretty slow growing due to heat & water restrictions. In a few years they’ll be fine but I can’t wait that long.

Could you wave and shout hello every time he looks in? Try and make him feel as awkward as he is making you feel.

Failing that, foliage to block the view more.

@Justsomethoughts I like that idea! It’s passive aggressive but might work! He doesn’t have any boundaries but given how open everything is perhaps he might get embarrassed if I manage to do it when others are around too.

I think the only way is more planting (bamboo in planters is great but don't know whether that's a solution in your climate)

Agree on the thin/sheer curtains.

But I'm a bit of an in your face person and I'd shout at him to stop staring into my home

@EdinaMonsoon I would do what @Justsomethoughts says and shout hi everytime he does. I would even go so far after the 1st time that day he looks in to also say something like 'nothing has changed since you last looked xxx' (or whatever his name is) and repeat every time he looks in. Perhaps adding some 'everything ok, can i help you's' too. Call him out on it in a non-direct way.

I would try passive aggressive staring back, waving, doing the same when you walk past his house etc.

But this is another example fear of confrontation is holding women back to the square nth degree with lace trimmings, sad it’s so ingrained (not a dig against OP, general observation)

@jeaux90 Do you think it’s possible to be direct and still maintain some sort of neighbourly relationship? I don’t go out of my way to talk with him or his DW but this is a small village and drama isn’t my thing.

@WB205020 Thanks for those suggestions. I will definitely try them and it indicates that my irritation is increasing whilst resisting the urge to tell him to F*k off 😂

@nfkl I completely agree. He’s a conservative misogynist who thinks women need to be supervised and know their place. He has shown great annoyance in the past when I have made it clear that I don’t agree with his BS. Somehow this invasion of privacy issue feels harder to deal with & he’s reliant on his unshakable belief that men are superior and can walk through the world however they please.

Just get one of those beaded fly curtains for the door.

Well yes it's entirely possible to call out behaviour. I mean he might not accept it but at least then he knows you have noticed.

"Can you please stop staring into my house, it's make me feel uncomfortable and I really like my privacy"

He might say it's because he knows you live on your own and he is looking out for you.

"I don't need protection, I've lived on my own successfully for many years, I appreciate the neighbourly spirit but please don't"

Now if he replays this conversation to anyone, it's actually more embarrassing for him than you.

We don't need to put up with this "low level" intrusion from men OP.

Comedy option: Take a pic of him gawping. Go to one of those websites that lets you put photos on whatever. Put it on a huge blanket/beach towel.

Hang it in the window during the times he's most likely to pass. Then he can gawp at a huge life-size pic of him gawping.

Really obvious CCTV and flappy curtains 😀

I’d put some to thin curtains that you can pull back when you do want to see the view/you know he’s out.
Hopefully they will be though to make him break the habit of looking.

@jeaux90 Thank you. I feel like I could use those words without feeling flustered or confrontational.

@Scattery That’s bloody brilliant 😂

Privacy film on the windows allows you to see out but no one can see in, unless you put a light on and then it reverses.

Have an "accident" with a large bucket of ice cold water.
Apologise when it goes all over him and say you were startled by someone staring in .

In your sitting room, put some planters along the open doors/windows. With faux greenery if necessary. They would be movable as and when necessary and would definitely obstruct his view from the ground up whilst still allowing far reaching views for you.