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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH leaves clothes everywhere

29 replies

Noodlesknit · 26/09/2024 23:40

3 DC have grown up and left home and since then I just seem to moaning at DH about putting his clothes away!

We have a tiny downstairs bathroom with no window so I like it to be uncluttered so as not to make it even more claustrophobic than it already is as I hate being in there. DH will use it as a dressing room, leaving clothes that he plans on wearing again on the hook on the back of the door every day, rather than take them upstairs. He also keeps his suit trousers in there rather than on a hanger. As well as his dressing gown. Three hooks full of his clothes. I have asked so many times now if he will just take all clothes up to our bedroom and hang them up when he's not wearing them, that I'm fed up of hearing my own voice. I must have explained to him dozens of times how it makes me feel. He knows I'm claustrophobic. He says that he understands and that he's sorry and then promises, every time, to make an effort to do it from now on.... but nothing has changed and this has been going on for 2 years now. I can't understand how he can possibly just hang them up again, forgetting that it makes me so upset. I'm aware that the original issue wasn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things but It's kind of gone beyond that now and I'm actually more upset that he's seemingly not bothered by how it's affecting me...although he says that he is, and says that he doesn't want to upset me, he just forgets. (How?!)

We have a small cupboard downstairs that has always been for coats, but he now also keeps his workshirts in there once they have been ironed and so 75% of that is also taken by his stuff, as its more convenient for him. Whilst it's annoying that hes comandeered the cupboard for his own use, I've even suggested that he hangs his clothes in there to keep them out of the bathroom, but he wont do that either.

He's got a pile of clothes folded on the floor by the side of the bed that I really can't be arsed to ask him to hang up...its almost as if hes got an aversion to using his own wardrobe! Yesterday I took his suit trousers off the back of the bathroom door and hung them in his wardrobe. He had a shower and got ready for work and I heard him going round the house looking for them before asking me what I'd done with them!

I thought my life of moaning would be over once it was just DH and I, but I feel like I've still got a teenager at home! We are in our 50s!! I'm considering removing the hooks off the back of the bathroom door, but wonder if I'm massively overreacting and that this would just be a bit petty?!

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 27/09/2024 00:01

It's not that he forgets but it's that he can't be bothered. Your voice and needs no longer register with him as he thinks your voice and needs are not important or relevant.

He apologises and says he will move them and then what? He's training you to stop asking permanently or for you to do it on his behalf. He has apologised, you stop asking, you wait a few months, then ask again and he apologises and so the cycle repeats. I bet there have been plenty of other instances over the years that have been hidden due to children and family life.

You are not his servant. You are worthy of respect in your own home. You deserve a supportive and equal partner.

KaneelStokjes · 27/09/2024 00:03

Can you just leave the downstairs bathroom as his domain for the time being or is that the only bathroom?

I would just ignore or respond 'I don't know '. Eventually he will solve his own problem himself. Kind of sounds like he is expecting you to 'help' him once you reach breaking point.

Original poster
Noodlesknit · 27/09/2024 00:07

AutumnFroglets · 27/09/2024 00:01

It's not that he forgets but it's that he can't be bothered. Your voice and needs no longer register with him as he thinks your voice and needs are not important or relevant.

He apologises and says he will move them and then what? He's training you to stop asking permanently or for you to do it on his behalf. He has apologised, you stop asking, you wait a few months, then ask again and he apologises and so the cycle repeats. I bet there have been plenty of other instances over the years that have been hidden due to children and family life.

You are not his servant. You are worthy of respect in your own home. You deserve a supportive and equal partner.

This is exactly how I feel and I've virtually said this word for word. In most other ways he's considerate but on this subject I feel like he's just not bothered...it's so frustrating!

OP posts:
Bobbie12345 · 27/09/2024 00:10

I guess it depends how many other things there are causing similar frustration. If this is the main thing, then maybe just let it go. It frustrates you to have them there. But it probably frustrates him not be told he cannot use what he sees as reasonable space for his clothes. It is hard to say who is ‘right’.
if it is just one issue among many then you need some bigger conversations.

Original poster
Noodlesknit · 27/09/2024 00:11

KaneelStokjes · 27/09/2024 00:03

Can you just leave the downstairs bathroom as his domain for the time being or is that the only bathroom?

I would just ignore or respond 'I don't know '. Eventually he will solve his own problem himself. Kind of sounds like he is expecting you to 'help' him once you reach breaking point.

Unfortunately it's our only bathroom. It wouldn't be quite so bad if it was a decent size but it really is tiny. A corner bath and a sink and that's it! He agrees that my request isn't an unreasonable one so I don't understand why he puts convenience above my feelings 🙁

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/09/2024 00:12

Get a screwdriver.

Unscrew all the hooks.

If clothes then get placed on the floor, put them in bin bags and tell him he only gets them back when he tells you where you want them stored.

KaneelStokjes · 27/09/2024 00:14

That is proper frustrating... maybe unscrewing the hooks and getting boxes to dump his clothes in might help! 😛

Original poster
Noodlesknit · 27/09/2024 00:19

Bobbie12345 · 27/09/2024 00:10

I guess it depends how many other things there are causing similar frustration. If this is the main thing, then maybe just let it go. It frustrates you to have them there. But it probably frustrates him not be told he cannot use what he sees as reasonable space for his clothes. It is hard to say who is ‘right’.
if it is just one issue among many then you need some bigger conversations.

I feel similarly about a couple of other things however don't make a big deal out of them. Just as there are things i do that niggle him..it's give and take and we haven't spent this long together without recognising that we both have to make concessions sometimes for a harmonious life. But this is one that really upsets me. I've offered other solutions and he agrees that it's not a reasonable space to keep his clothes....he just continues to do it!

OP posts:
backawayfatty1 · 27/09/2024 00:20

I'd probably leave them somewhere that effects him until he sorts his shit out!

Fave seat on the sofa? Driver seat of car? Bed? He will hang them when he gets sick of them being in his way.

Sounds very draining for you

head2toeinuniqlo · 27/09/2024 00:20

Is there something he is precious about, like his car or the garage? My husband is very messy but his car is pristine. I got so fed up with his mess once I rounded it all up and dumped it in his car. He went mental, but got the message.

Slinkyminky22 · 27/09/2024 00:20

YANBU at all.

My OH has "taken over" various positions in the house with items of clothing. Dressing gown lives over a banister. Pile of worn clothes clean enough to be worn again, sits on the top landing. T-shirts over a door. Dirty washing pile in the utility room.

You have my sympathies. I am slowly working through the piles by constantly asking him to put them in the correct place. The issue is, it doesn't bother them. The difference is, if he brought a similar problem up to me then I would change my behaviour, as I would understand how frustrating it is.

Original poster
Noodlesknit · 27/09/2024 00:26

backawayfatty1 · 27/09/2024 00:20

I'd probably leave them somewhere that effects him until he sorts his shit out!

Fave seat on the sofa? Driver seat of car? Bed? He will hang them when he gets sick of them being in his way.

Sounds very draining for you

Think bed is the way forward. If he has to keep going upstairs maybe he'll eventually keep them there 🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodlesknit · 27/09/2024 00:30

head2toeinuniqlo · 27/09/2024 00:20

Is there something he is precious about, like his car or the garage? My husband is very messy but his car is pristine. I got so fed up with his mess once I rounded it all up and dumped it in his car. He went mental, but got the message.

Not really, the garage is pretty chaotic but that's his space. Whilst I don't understand how he can put up with the mess I just leave him to it and keep out of there 😅He's not really bothered by mess and disorder!

OP posts:
Bangwam1 · 27/09/2024 00:33

Your husband sounds neurodivergent tbh

Original poster
Noodlesknit · 27/09/2024 00:34

Slinkyminky22 · 27/09/2024 00:20

YANBU at all.

My OH has "taken over" various positions in the house with items of clothing. Dressing gown lives over a banister. Pile of worn clothes clean enough to be worn again, sits on the top landing. T-shirts over a door. Dirty washing pile in the utility room.

You have my sympathies. I am slowly working through the piles by constantly asking him to put them in the correct place. The issue is, it doesn't bother them. The difference is, if he brought a similar problem up to me then I would change my behaviour, as I would understand how frustrating it is.

Ouch, sounds like they're the same person! It's so frustrating 😫

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 27/09/2024 02:24

Could you stick a post it note saying
NO CLOTHES!! on the door until he gets the message. I know that's you telling him again and again but he sounds very scattered, so that might remind him.
My dh is not the tidiest so you have my sympathy especially when it's your only bathroom so no escape for you.

MayaPinion · 27/09/2024 03:06

Get a hamper and just chuck everything in there regardless of whether it’s clean or dirty, ironed or not.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/09/2024 03:41

Leave a note in the bathroom then if he does it again move them to a place that’s more inconvenient for him to retrieve them from than the bathroom. He’ll soon learn. Do it with humour though. My husband never used to put his toothbrush back in the cabinet like everyone else did so I started hiding it in plant pots in the bathroom. We laughed about it. I do things that annoy him though. In fact I’m probably worse but I decided to focus and get on my high horse over a toothbrush.

Jewelanemone · 27/09/2024 05:26

Just take the hooks down. Surely it's the obvious solution? I'd have done it months ago.

pantomanto · 27/09/2024 05:52

A box somewhere at the bottom of the stairs with all of his stuff chucked in that he leaves lying around. If it ends up creased tough shit. He will find all the stuff he’s too lazy to put away in box. Repeat.

legalseagull · 27/09/2024 05:54

Remove the hooks.

FiveShelties · 27/09/2024 05:54

He is getting the message, but he is choosing to ignore it and that would drive me mad. I would collect them up, throw them into a bin bag and put the bag in the garage or the shed.

Yourethebeerthief · 27/09/2024 06:08

I don't understand the responses so far. It's your husband's home too and he's not being messy. Your reaction to some clothes on a hook or hung neatly in a cupboard that you've decided isn't the right one, seems really over the top.

I think this is your own problem and you need to let it go. He's just choosing to tidy his clothes away in places you arbitrarily don't want him to. If you had a preference to where you hang certain things and your husband unscrewed all the hooks when you were out, the response on Mumsnet would be unanimous: he's controlling and vindictive. LTB.

nationalsausagefund · 27/09/2024 06:13

Yourethebeerthief · 27/09/2024 06:08

I don't understand the responses so far. It's your husband's home too and he's not being messy. Your reaction to some clothes on a hook or hung neatly in a cupboard that you've decided isn't the right one, seems really over the top.

I think this is your own problem and you need to let it go. He's just choosing to tidy his clothes away in places you arbitrarily don't want him to. If you had a preference to where you hang certain things and your husband unscrewed all the hooks when you were out, the response on Mumsnet would be unanimous: he's controlling and vindictive. LTB.

Yeah, I agree. He’s planning to wear the stuff again and put it on after his shower; hanging it on hooks in the bathroom makes the most sense. You want him to take worn clothes upstairs and hang them up then bring them downstairs again for your feelings? Come on.

People are talking about taking the hooks down and hiding his clothes as if he’s committed a crime. It’s a hook, it’s there for him to hang his clothes. Get a hobby, care less. The clothes aren’t on the floor, they’re on a hook for goodness sake.

autienotnaughty · 27/09/2024 06:35

I would either collect it all up and shove it in the bottom of his wardrobe or buy a laundry basket and put all his clothes on the floor or littered around the house in there.