Husband's health anxiety, clashing over childhood illness

[Itfeelslikeatrap]

Husband has health anxiety and he's basically transferring this anxiety onto the kids' health now too. It was bad enough when it was just about him, but now it's a million times worse. Since they were babies, he thought every cough is tonsillitis, every sniffle is covid, every tummy ache is appendicitis.
I don't try to reason with him or down play any more, I just try to stay sort of neutral. The most I will say is " If you feel they need to see the GP you should bring them" This used to work but doesn't anymore. He wants me to panic with him I think? And he gets furious when I won't. Tbh I actually don't know what he wants. It's draining. And I'm afraid he'll turn the kids into hypochondriac. Any insights anyone? What do I say/ do??
Btw I have tried to talk to him in the past about his health anxiety and he refuses to talk about it. He thinks he's just more prone to illness than the average person

He wants me to panic with him I think? And he gets furious when I won't.

This is abuse and your marriage won't survive it. You will not be able to keep living with him and maintain your own mental well-being, and the impact it could have on your kids could damage their lives forever. It's untenable.

I would be telling him that he either gets help for his anxiety immediately, or you are going to be forced to rethink your relationship.

The first reply nailed it

Ok. That's what I was afraid of tbh. I name changed for this as it does feel like a trap. I just can't say the right thing. And I am really worried that my kids will be damaged. I keep thinking of the little boy in the secret garden, locked in, too " sick" to go out.

My father had health anxiety and passed it on to me, I had counselling for it a few years ago and everything stemmed back to my childhood. For the sake of your kids he needs to nip it in the bud and get some help, I promise you it will affect them later on.

I have to say my ex husband was like this and it was one (though probably not the main) reason why I left him.

Its really manipulative.

In my ex’s case it was invariably my job to pander to it as well: he would identify these apocalyptic situations in relation to my DD’s health (the issue was asthma) and demand second, third and fourth opinions but then never be prepared to do anything about it: it was always up to me to find the time and inclination to deal with it and if I didn’t I was not putting her first etc.

I don’t know what to say except that you need to make clear it’s not going to be something you will indulge.

@Thepeopleversuswork That's it exactly. If I'm not climbing aboard the panic bus I clearly don't love them/ am heartless /
It does feel like I'm being manipulated. I guess maybe he gets so angry because he wants me to do the leg work ( as usual)

@Sugarplummama It's definitely generational. He gets it from his mother. Weirdly she only passed it on to her sons. Her daughters don't have the same affliction.

I know this is old but I found it online and had to comment. I am your husband and it’s debilitating. I too feel that my husband can seem too unconcerned in the moment, rational or not. This has led to several arguments . I am getting help for it , and to others it may seem like a complete overreaction but to me it’s catastrophic and I can only fixate on worst case scenario until I’ve had it ruled out . The worst thing for me is when my husband try’s to shrug it off. Those who have said it’s abusive really don’t get how debilitating health anxiety can be, particularly around your children . I really feel for your husband and if it’s still ongoing, I would suggest he gets some help but also try and support him in those moments and bring the rationale afterwards once the child is better again and try to have those conversations then

I am sorry you feel like this, it must be extremely difficult but I am afraid it is not your DH’s or the OP’s job to pander to your anxiety, especially as it relates to your children. My DH has OCD which has a very similar pathology. If I validate his anxiety it does not improve the situation or make him less anxious, it just means he needs more and more reassurance. As the adult it is your job and the OP’s husband’s job to manage your anxiety. Waiting until your child “is better again” means every time your child might be unwell your husband is dealing with the child and your anxiety and that isn’t fair. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but having raised a family with someone with significant anxiety for many years tough love and a demand they take responsibility for themselves is the strategy his therapist recommended and I have found to be most successful.