DD is 10, Year 6. Single Parent.
During Year 4 of Primary School I decided to visit a Middle School in the next town over to me to see what it was like with a view to maybe moving to that town as it’s where my family live (parents, 1 of my 2 siblings and a couple of my parents siblings live there). They’d offered to help with childcare.
I loved the school, so took DD to visit and she also fell in love with it. She was adamant it was where she wanted to go to school so I applied for a place, telling her we might not get a place due to where we live. The school is about 5 miles from where I live so just about doable as a school run until we could move closer (buses didn’t go out this far and as there were closer schools council wouldn’t provide transport).
She was offered a space, and it was the best decision I ever made. DD has been so happy there since joining in Year 5 (September 2023) has made loads of new friends and at Christmas with the help of school she got both an EHCP and DLA awarded. My DN is in the same class as DD (school did this deliberately as she knew no-one else) but they have never needed each other and have their own friends and are in different sets for Maths and English (Maths and English taught in sets by specialist teachers and everything else by class teacher like at primary for Years 5 and 6, then it’s more like a secondary for Years 7-8). The school are incredible, put support in place for DD pre EHCP, nothing is too much trouble, they make little adjustments for her all the time that she doesn’t even notice but I do and I appreciate it. She is a completely different child to the one who left Primary School In Year 4 in a good way though, she is genuinely happy or was.
Shortly after these were awarded (January 2024) ExH who’d always had DD EOWend for 1 night as per the Child Arrangements Order in place (made when DD was 2) decided he wanted DD to live with him and accused me of all sorts; everything from bringing men back while DD was there (I wasn’t, I’ve been single since our divorce) to turning DD against him. We split due to his violence and control (can you see where this is going?).
I went to court for Enforcement of the order, but ExH accused me of everything again in court and refused to listen when he was told to return DD to me. My solicitor advised me to follow what ExH told me to do re DD as if I put DD in the middle the court would look badly on me; so I am allowed to see her twice a week but not overnight and my family are not allowed to see her at all. I keep going back to court but it rumbles on, and the courts don’t seem to want to do much, police won’t get involved even with the order saying she lives with me because ExH has PR. And tbh the last thing I want is ExH taking DD away from me full stop, at least this way I still see her albeit not as often as either of us would like.
ExH lives 10 miles from me so around 20 miles from school, and it’s taking it’s toll on DD, she’s spending 2+ hours a day getting to school, since starting Year 6 she’s really struggling with tiredness, her school work is suffering, she’s losing her homework and getting tearful at school. It also means when I do see her I’m doing up to 80 miles in the day as ExH makes me do the school run at boths ends of the day on the days I see DD.
She’s adamant she wants to stay at the school, she wants to come home to me and move closer to her cousins and grandparents. The only stipulation was she wanted a pet at home (ExH has pets) which I am happy to agree to as I was looking at getting a pet anyway – we’ve discussed what pet, gender, names and even preferred colours for the collar, we both want a small dog.
School are doing everything they can as they always have - they allow her to be late in the morning due to the hour each way and traffic etc they let her take a chair onto the playground and she misses PE if needed, but I can’t keep seeing her so unhappy. She is so tired and pale, and I’m sure it can’t be good for her MH. School are named in the EHCP so she won’t lose her place and they are still mostly meeting her needs but say she is tired, tearful and it’s starting to affect friendships as she just does not want to get involved as she’s so tired. Her medical conditions are also requiring more medication (i.e. higher doses). School have been inviting me in 2 lunchtimes a week to see DD and we eat in a separate room, they’ve done this as ExH has said she cannot leave at lunchtime with me and this way DD doesn’t need to tell ExH I was there as the app doesn’t stipulate where lunch was eaten just what. It feels futile to keep pushing this when it's been almost 10 months and she's still not home and there's no way of knowing when/if.
There’s a Primary School on the next road to ExH, it has a reasonable reputation, and I could then look at moving closer to ExH/the school if she went there. DD is adamant she doesn’t want to go back to a Primary School saying she feels much more grown up at her current school. She says school have done nothing wrong and it feels unfair to leave when she lives so far away through no choice of her own.
My solicitor thinks that as long as I can evidence any decision in DDs best interests then leaving her where she is or moving her school won’t affect her coming home. But it will mean if she is that I’ll have less support in terms of my family as they will be 20 miles away doing their own school runs so if I make the move I have to be prepared to have even less support than I do now, but I love my DD and want the best for her and I don’t think the current situation is right or in her best interests.
WWYD? And WIBU to change schools even though DD doesn’t want to?