To ask for sexual exclusivity if I’m not ready for anything serious

[gopaltun]

Been seeing a guy I really like but it can’t be anything serious in the short term as I’m about to do a 3 month stint in Spain for work (and we don’t know each other well enough to want to weather that yet).

I am very sure he’s seeing other people, which is fine. The only reason I’m not is because I am going away soon.

That said, I realised I’m really grossed out at the thought of him sleeping with other people, given he’s also sleeping with me. Obviously we are super strict on protection, etc, but the idea grosses me out.

I’ve never really thought about this before with previous dating situations. I’m pretty liberal. It’s really hit me hard though. It’s genuinely not a jealousy thing either, it just feels disgusting.

AIBU to ask him for sexual exclusivity, given we can’t date seriously for a while.

Of course you can. Perfectly reasonable to not want to have sex with a man who is having sex with other women at the same time. Not that long ago it would have been the default. I don't think you need to be offering a serious relationship to ask for exclusivity, just a willingness to reciprocate. Obviously he can always say no, but if he values what you have, he won't. And if he doesn't, he's no loss.

You can certainly ask, but I don't think he would be unreasonable to say no given you're not going to carry on seeing him. Would you say yes if the roles were reversed?

I definitely do hope to see him again once I’m back! But agree, he may want to keep his options open in the meantime.

If he asked, I’d agree to it (not while I’m away, but while we’re actively sleeping together while I’m still here).

I’m not sleeping with anyone else anyway.

I would advise to ask for sexual exclusivity before sleeping with someone. Of course you can ask but would he stop? He might even lie and say he's stopped. Condoms don't protect 100% against STIs.

I'd dump him, if only for your sexual health.

Concentrate on Spain - start learning the language? - you never know what it will bring.

I know a few people married to Spaniards, living there. There's a huge expat community there too.

Enjoy it! Spain is fabulous!

If you're hoping to see him when you're back that's a bit different. Are you expecting him to not sleep with anyone else while you're away, and would you be okay not doing that either?

Sorry OP cross posted with your edit! Sounds fair enough to me and I'd ask, but as another person said he might just agree and then carry on!

Its about your boundaries, and what you want, nothing unreasonable about that. On the flipside if you are not in a relationship, it is ok for him to also have his preferences.

Personally it would be a no from me someone shagging me and then others at same time. No thanks

I totally agree with you. But I wouldn't ask him for this...I'd just end it and not see him again. If you have to ask a man to stop shagging other women, he's probably a lost cause all in all.

I was just coming back to say exactly this!

If you aren't hoping for a relationship, why not end it now?

If you like him, why not ask for a relationship and see what happens when you get nearer departure?

Gosh I feel old now because I think I'd expect a month of dating and exclusivity before sex. I'm not fit for dating apps!

But seriously, you're allowed to break the new norm. Be confident. If it's casual and it's not working for you, drop and move on. No need to compromise if you don't want more.

If you are happy with having sex with someone you fancy and whose company you like, what difference does it make if its him seeping around or Dave from Tinder, who you also expect to be sleeping around?

Gently, would you only not agree because you think he wouldn't either or do you actually want the option of sleeping with someone I'm Spain?

This

How long have you been seeing him?

Do you know he is sleeping with others or just assume so?

TBH if you really like him I’m not sure why you’d end it over three months in Spain. It’s not a long time and it’s not exactly far away. He could even visit you once or twice.

I must be getting old. I just wouldn't sleep with someone who was sleeping with other people.
If I was you, I would end it, go to Spain and enjoy myself.
Value yourself enough to be with someone who only wants to be with you.

If you haven't discussed exclusivity there's no reason to expect it. Have an adult conversation.

He's entitled to refuse exclusivity whist you're away and you're entitled to end it if that doesn't work.

There's nothing to suggest he's a bad guy from what you've said (casual sex isn't a crime) you just haven't agreed parameters.

If he was that into you, you wouldn't have to ask. And it's probably a discussion that should have been had before you started sleeping together.

I wouldn't trust him anyway tbh, if you like someone enough you don't feel the need to still date and sleep with others, doesn't seem the type to wait around 3 months while you're away.