To uninvite a relative, after already inviting them to stay?

[chillin12]

So here’s the situation. Would love it if I could receive some input. My cousin is coming to visit and stay at mine for a few days in a month’s time. Mainly to visit my 15 month old first born (she’s been before). Whilst on call to her and her mum, my husband casually invited her mum over, and I got carried away in the moment and asked to come next month too. Now, I didn’t think she would actually bother as we are a 5/6 hours drive away, and my cousin didn’t confirm it (said her mum might join). Unfortunately, I heard from my sister that my cousins mum said she will join. I didn’t expect this tbh, and regret inviting her. Our fault, I know

The problem is, I am now panicking. The trip is 4 nights and 5 days, and I realised I can’t cope that long. I invited her mum in the moment, but she’s not someone I can take too much of. I’m worried she will not listen to boundaries I may have, like letting my child watch her iPad (this has happened before when I was at my mums), and that she may start acting bossy. Although, friendly, she is naturally authoritative, and expects to be obeyed. The issue is, I find it difficult to disobey her, due to family dynamics and she is likely to get offended if do. We live in a 1 bed (husband me and toddler), so we will be in each other’s faces all the time. Suggesting a hotel will also offend them; our family is quite close knit.

I don’t want to have to potentially confront her if these little things do happen, as she will be a guest and also then cause huge drama when she’s back home. I don’t want to make it awkward between me and my cousin either, who I have a good relationship with. Even her mum and I have a decent relationship, but I’m worried I may become resentful if the trip becomes overbearing. I already suffer from huge anxiety, so I’m feeling very stressed at the idea of them coming together.

My cousin is driving them down, so I’m thinking of being honest with my cousin that I’d rather she come alone. I know this may upset her as it’s about her mum. But I’m thinking she may understand me as we are close, and I can stop stressing out.

Would I be unreasonable to have an open chat with my cousin about my discomfort, and ask her not to bring her mum?

Thank you

I honestly think you need to find a way out of both of them coming if you feel that strongly. I’m so sorry but it would be horrible to uninvite her and your cousin won’t appreciate it either

Not what you asked but how on earth will you fit five people into a one bedroom flat?

Surely you don't have the space to put them both up? Could you say this? I'm sorry so got carried away but I realise I don't have the space.

If you think the cousin will be fine telling her mum she's not coming and still be okay with you then go for it but I think it's a bit rude to tell her not to bother after an invite though. And what would her mum be like with you if she knows the cousin is still visiting?

Can't you rearrange it for a different time and make sure it's just your cousin visiting?

This is tricky but i think being honest will just offend and cause more grief. Could you pretend you're not well with a bug and cancel it close to the time? Not ideal i know but even having the most respectful people staying that long in a 1 bed would be hell for me.

Hmm yeah, you have a point. There is no other way really. I don’t want to lie myself out of it.

Unfortunately not. We’ve had different relatives stay over before, including my parents, who all slept in the living room, as we have a sofa bed and futon. So it’s not that uncommon for us lol

Surely you speak to your cousin , you live in a one bed flat - I’m assuming cousin will be on the sofa / sofa bed and she has visited before so where does she think her mum is going to sleep ? Suggest if it’s both they will need to stay in a hotel , 1 bed flat too small and likely 1 year old will disturb everyone and 5 days will likely be too much for everyone - ok to explain as above to cousin you got carried away in the moment.

If just cousin they can “rough it” on the sofa. Conversation needs to be had asap ( and family dynamics will get over themselves ) In fact if you are all close / get on then it shouldn’t be a problem

I would ask my cousin to not tell her mum I “uninvited” her. I know my cousin wouldn’t tell her mum my true feelings. She may either just discourage her mum from visiting as her mum is not in the best of health anyways, and it’s a long drive etc. Or she may not end up coming herself to avoid it.

Her mum wouldn’t mind if the cousin came alone, as she already has before a few times. I’m not sure I can rearrange as she was supposed to come this month, but I already rearranged it to October. So it might look like I’m avoiding her too. Lol

I feel like if I cancel with an excuse, my cousin will know I’m lying 😅😅

We have a large living room and futon too, so I know sleeping arrangements can be managed. Usually when it’s just my cousin, she shares the bed with me. Toddler is in cot, and husband sleeps in living room.

I would suck it up for 4 nights - try and get out of the house for most of the day taking them out and about and retire to bed as early as possible to give them their 'bedroom' . I wouldn't fuss about your little one looking at the ipad etc - they're only staying a few days so it's not a big deal. It's odd that you call her your cousin's mum rather than your Aunt?

Yeah, that’s fair. It’s just frustrating as I can’t stop stressing and feeling incredibly anxious. iPad I guess I can get over, just worried I won’t be relaxed overall throughout the week. If the weather is bad tho, we will probs be indoors a lot, as it turns dark early too in October. Sorry, idk why I didn’t say aunt to begin with 😅

It’s a bit late now.

You've invited them, I'd just make the best of it. It's only four days. Even if there are iPad issues, four days won't really be a big deal. I'd try to go out a bit with them all.

Treat it as a learning experience and don't invite people on the fly again.

Look for indoor things you can do locally - even if it's just wander round a shopping centre and having a long lunch somewhere! Do some mindful meditation for your anxiety, Calm app has some good ones. It probably won't be anywhere near as bad as you're anticipating, you might even enjoy the visit! If all else fails, plead a migraine and sneak off for a lie down!

Haha thank you. You may be right. I’ll try to sleep on it and think optimistically. Hopefully, I’ll move on and it’ll be better than I imagine.

Thank you

I think you'll have to suck it up this time.

You can't put it on your cousin to deal with it, your husband invited her and you set the definite dates, you will have to be the one to sort it

I think it’s unfair to put that on your cousin and to expect her to lie to her mum for you. I think they both shouldn’t come or you just suck it up.