To be with a man that works all the time?

[lopdododo]

DP is in a new job, it's all driven by targets.

He starts at 11am and is meant to finish at 7-8pm, but is often working until gone 11pm at night.

This is Monday-Friday.

He came over after work yesterday and was too tired to chat.

Surely people don't live like this?

Yes lots of people live like this
whether it’s reasonable or sustainable is another matter

Yes you're right, I should've added that

Do you think he’s doing this while new to make a good impression?

Tbh my DH works really long hours during the week and it can get a bit lonely, especially when children come along. That’s when the resentment starts. I wouldn’t recommend long term.

12 hour day isn't that out of the ordinary, but it is a long day. My dh is often out 5/6am - 7/8pm Monday to Friday. Why does your partner start at 11am? Thats pushing his long days very late. Does he get paid well for all the hours / commitment?

People do live this like but often everything else is a low priority to them. If it’s a new job then maybe he’s just struggling to keep his head above water to meet the targets. It might just take time to adjust or be the wrong role.

My dad was a workaholic then one day he realised family was more important.

I also work 12 hour shifts, but 3x per week and start at 7am.

I also leave work, at work. Whereas he's always answering emails, calls etc.

It unfortunately just seems to be the nature of the job, and will continue for the foreseeable.

He starts late because he works with people in a different time zone.

Ugh I would hate that OP. My DH is out 8am til 4.30pm and I'm still glad when he's home to take over DC care!

YANBU.

My ex worked 7 days a week from 8am -8pm and travelled away for work.

I lived in a different country to DH for six months of every year for work. It worked for us. If this doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you.

Many people live like this

I used to leave at 930 get home 1030.
I also did every weekend.
Money is nice but marriage is probably shot to bits.
This may be happened if I worked 9 -6 though.

My Hubby has done 36 hours at times ( emergency call out ) 12 hours 5 days a week is minimal for him. He does it so we can be comfortable now and later in life. It works for us tbh because I was a single mum a long time and we have a committed date night every Sunday he gives 100%. I would say if it is bugging you now end it it doesn't work for everyone.

It depends on the reason why and if it's going to be long term.

If it's because he's knew and he is investing extra time to bring himself up to speed it's understandable or if it's a particularly busy period with a deadline or end of quarter driven.

If it's because he is addicted to work, because he's our of his depth or to avoid family life, it's an issue.

Coming at this from the other side - I’m the overworker in our relationship and I feel huge guilt that DP has to fit around my work routine.

I also struggle leaving work at work, whereas DP can switch off immediately.

We contribute equally to all household expenses but I have personal debt (hence second job).

I’m sure your DP is just being conscientious and learning the ropes. They probably are also partly wired to prioritise work in this way (did they grow up in a family with financial insecurity?).

FWIW I expect your DP feels guilt and frustration at the situation, so although it’s good to communicate your feelings to him please be careful you express it not as a criticism of his work habits but as sadness you can’t spend more time together.

Our Friday nights together are non-negotiable and that’s our chance to reconnect. Maybe you could pick a time each week that is just your time together. I bet they’ll like that and it takes the pressure off a bit (they might see it as giving themselves permission to relax).

I couldn't live like that.

I value time over money. I'd rather have a partner who earned less but worked reasonable hours.

What sort of job is it?

My dh worked for decades in investment banking. Evenings, weekends, holidays. All fair game for the business.

Got paid 7 figures. Goes with the territory