Should DC have a relationship with people who treat you badly?

Sugarplummama · 25/09/2024 13:53

It’s a tough situation to be in. Friends mum disrespected her completely and a crap mum tbh, but now her DC is here she wants to be a hands on Nan? Aye!

Sugarplummama · 25/09/2024 13:54

On a serious note I think your DH is the issue here, obviously his parents are crap but he needs to be on your side more. Maybe his unwillingness to side with you is the reason for you having to go NC.

Not2identifying · 25/09/2024 15:03

I think if you went NC six weeks ago, they might not have registered the full implications. Do they even know you don't intend to see them again? At this point, they might be chalking up anything you do as being temporary 'pregnancy/post-birth' hormones or something. I'm not saying they are right! Just pointing out that this is not a longstanding estrangement yet.

This is tough for you but it's also tough for your husband and I don't think there really is a right or wrong thing to do although I hope he's listening to you and cares about you perspective. Do you think your ILs would talk about you in a disparaging or crtical way in front of your child? If so, I can understand why you would want to limit or refuse contact. Because you won't be there, you'll have to trust your husband's account and he's not likely to want to refuse contact with a new grandchild (this will escalate the existing tension/bad feeling).

Assuming you have contact with your parents, would you want to refuse to let them see your child if they had a falling out (or were horrible to) your husband?

I'm not saying you are wrong to draw boundaries or look after yourself first, just saying it's complicated.

Original poster

wishuponarainbow14 · 25/09/2024 15:12

Not2identifying · 25/09/2024 15:03

I think if you went NC six weeks ago, they might not have registered the full implications. Do they even know you don't intend to see them again? At this point, they might be chalking up anything you do as being temporary 'pregnancy/post-birth' hormones or something. I'm not saying they are right! Just pointing out that this is not a longstanding estrangement yet.

This is tough for you but it's also tough for your husband and I don't think there really is a right or wrong thing to do although I hope he's listening to you and cares about you perspective. Do you think your ILs would talk about you in a disparaging or crtical way in front of your child? If so, I can understand why you would want to limit or refuse contact. Because you won't be there, you'll have to trust your husband's account and he's not likely to want to refuse contact with a new grandchild (this will escalate the existing tension/bad feeling).

Assuming you have contact with your parents, would you want to refuse to let them see your child if they had a falling out (or were horrible to) your husband?

I'm not saying you are wrong to draw boundaries or look after yourself first, just saying it's complicated.

Thanks for your reply.

It was actually my DH that put a stop to the contact between us as it was causing so many issues in our marriage. I previously went NC before I became pregnant and I did give them another chance due to being pregnant and generally trying to see if there was a positive way forward. They continued and also, said they have nothing to apologise for.

As far as my family go, I unfortunately don't have a relationship with my parents due to abuse/neglect as a child. But, I see my DH and DC as my immediate family and I would not stand anyone treating them horribly. So yes, if my mother or father couldn't respect my DH then I would not expect them to have a relationship with our DC.

I don't think DH would tolerate them speaking badly of me in front of our DC. I do think they would try to, yes. They're not nice people who talk badly of everyone. However, I do feel uncomfortable with DC at their age being away from me anyway.

OP posts:

Newgirls · 25/09/2024 15:16

They sound awful.

im thinking of what works for you here. Do you need to be there if your dh takes your child for a very quick visit? You get to have a break?

from what you’ve said I bet the novelty will wear off for them and visits will be minimal anyway

Beezknees · 25/09/2024 15:26

My DS's father treated me awfully. I wouldn't stop DS having a relationship with him though, although his dad doesn't care about DS either unfortunately. It's not about me.

toomuchfaff · 25/09/2024 16:03

Let DH deal woth it and have the contact, his side, his problem to solve of he wants the contact. If my PIL had been horrid and I was NC I wouldn't break that NC to let them see DC, but I wouldn't say they couldn't see DC as that'll be used as ammunition as to why your horrid.

Not2identifying · 25/09/2024 16:08

Maybe this is a problem for the future then (if you don't want to be away from your baby yet, which is completely understandable). Just focus on enjoying all the baby cuddles and leave this problem for another day. It sounds like you trust your husband's judgement which is good so I think this might be one for him to take the lead on (in consultation with you, obviously).

Tittat50 · 25/09/2024 16:26

People who have behaviours that are so unpleasant you go NC are often not normal and I believe will often have some personality disorder. I mean that in all seriousness. So to them, the GC may just be possessions or objects to them rather than individuals they love and respect. They will just see it as their right to see them regardless of anything else. It may be your DH just enables or goes along with it as it's all he's known.

This is unless you are a total nightmare OP - but it sounds like this is on them.

I would let him take them but if they are vile then the contact needs to be to the absolute minimum. Short one off visits on special occasions shouldn't be enough to poison them. They'll probably put on the amazing grandparents routine even more than ever if you're NC. People like this are nuts.

You need a good chat with DP. They can't be allowed to belittle you to the kids. I have cut off family over this. It was non stop. It was the right thing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2024 16:32

You’re right. Fwiw I wish my mum had cut her horrible parents off and spared us all literally decades of drama and heartache. No grandparents is better than shit ones. It really is. She didn’t as she was an only child and absolutely crippled by guilt and obligation but she, dad, I and my siblings would have been so much better off without the horrible pair of them.

Notamum12345577 · 25/09/2024 16:35

wishuponarainbow14 · 25/09/2024 13:51

Background: in laws have treated me awfully for the past 2 years (since engagement and marriage). Previously got on really well - will never get the answers one needs when they're turned on for no real reason, there's been no apology for said bad behaviour.

I am now NC, husband is LC. It has caused many issues in our marriage. I feel as though he has not stuck up for me, he feels differently...

I am 12 weeks post having our wonderful first child. We both really love parenting and it is a pleasure to see what a wonderful father my husband is.

In laws showed no real interest in DC and MIL visited once when they were 6 weeks old (I have since gone NC).

They have asked my DH to see DC in December (I assume for Christmas). He said maybe instead of no, which is what we agreed would happen going forward.

I just don't understand why (please enlighten me and don't attack me, if you have a differing view). Why would they expect a relationship with our DC after treating me awfully, no apology and me going NC? I would not expect to have a relationship with a child, if I didn't with their parents? Please share your wisdom with me!

Because it is equally his child, if he still has some sort of relationship with them (whether that is right or not) it is right that the child can have a relationship with them through him.

SomewhereAround · 25/09/2024 16:37

Well, I would certainly have been better off without my horrible maternal grandmother, but my mother, her dutiful eldest child, thought it was appropriate to have her living with us for many years of my childhood because that's 'what you do'.

In your case, OP, I would say no decision needs to be made now. If you're 12 weeks post-partum, and have only been entirely NC with your PILs for half of that time, it's all very recent.

Toiletrollwaspreciousincovidtimes · 25/09/2024 16:37

Seems odd when the dc are half yours that they want a relationship with them. Point this out to dh. . They are nasty hypocrites who would not be seeing my dc. Tell dh when he clones a dc himself they can see that one.

5128gap · 25/09/2024 16:39

Because firstly its highly likely they don't think they treated you awfully. From their perspective they will no doubt think there is blame on your part. Particularly if their son has reduced contact with them after their issues with you. Secondly, they see the baby as their grandchild, not simply as an extension of you. They see them as a person in their own right, a blood relative and want to have contact with them. Whether your husband allows it (and unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns, the decision should be his I think as they are his parents) is up to him. He is as entitled as you are to decide who your child has contact with.

Bantai · 25/09/2024 16:43

Absolutely not.
If your husband forces the issue, then his parents are his priority and not his marriage.
Do not be bullied by them or him.

SplendidUtterly · 25/09/2024 16:44

I wish my mum had cut her awful mother off and spared me and my DS years of misery. I wouldn't let your DC anywhere near your in-laws, they sound horrible.

coolkatt · 25/09/2024 16:54

Hubby has prob said maybe to them thinking it will be for Xmas but Xmas is still a wee while away and he can't be bothered with the Agro just now so will deal with it nearer the time when he says no he is not bring baby.

LeavesTrees · 25/09/2024 17:07

Some people need to realise kids aren’t just for Christmas! They sound awful. December is ages away, and the fact it’s that month they want to see your baby means they see your child as an item to tick off their ‘things to do at Christmas’ list.
My in-laws are unpleasant and horrible to me too. As a result I’ve never included them in the ‘special days’ of Christmas. Enjoy your baby, forget the in-laws. They choose to be unpleasant, and there are consequences to that.

Toiletrollwaspreciousincovidtimes · 25/09/2024 17:10

Likely mil wants Xmas pics to show her mates how great a dgm she is...
Send her some stock pics on December 1st...

thing47 · 25/09/2024 17:54

I don't think you can forbid your DH from taking DCs that are half his to see his parents ever. But you can certainly stop facilitating it in any way – refuse to speak to them, refuse to make any arrangements, refuse to have them at your house etc.

If you did that, would your DH make all the necessary arrangements, then take the DCs on his own to visit his parents with no input from you? ime, most men wouldn't.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 25/09/2024 18:35

Hard to say as we don't have any details kn what they have done and would only be from your point of view anyway. I would say that they are your child's family, so your dh has every right to want them to see each other. If this were to upset you enough to separate, he could have the child there 50% of the time, which is much more than now.

My inlaws hate me and I generally go for ignore until they are outright rude and then snap back. They are my kids family, so I generally go for as little and as polite contact as possible and dp can organise everything.

Uptightmum · 29/09/2024 10:14

I was NC with my FIL he was not a nice man and was vile to me. My husband was also NC with him. When we had our eldest he has if he could see him. My husband said yes ( I wasn’t happy). My husband then remained civil with him and I stayed LC. Mainly due to pressure from my husbands siblings. There was an issue at a family event were my husband decided NC again.

we allowed on FaceTime a month with son. We had our second son during covid and then FIL became terminally ill. We had one visit for him to see the boys one last time.

my husband made the decisions. He was his dad and i remained extremely low contact. He wasn’t on my social media and he was not allowed my phone number.

I would state your case and remain LC but I would allow your husband to make the decisions with regards to his relationship with them and taking them for contact

Hhhjjjhhgvbbb · 29/09/2024 10:23

Very low contact. I wish we were NC, but don’t fully like the idea. Get yourhusband to hold the boundaries or it is likely to backfire. We have a very difficult in law situation. Middle aged SIL lives with them and didn’t want DC visiting when they were young. She is hyper critical and now DC are older has spoken inappropriately to them trying to stir up family trouble. PIL have chosen to tolerate this (obviously some MH issues, but they are now overtly controlling everyone else - if it is making accommodations I am sensitive) rather than have any relationship with GC. PIL then expect happy families at Christmas. It wrecks any semblance of a family Christmas every year. Absolutely fing sick of it and wish I had never met DH.

Niknakcake · 29/09/2024 11:15

If you and your husband split up and didn’t communicate because he treated you badly would he not be allowed to see your DC?

Your child has a right to know their family (on both sides) as long as it’s safe for them to do so. So if the grandparents treat the child well there is no reason to stop them having a relationship

Emmz1510 · 29/09/2024 12:50

I don’t understand your second sentence, can you re-word or explain what you mean?

But no, as a general rule, if you’ve been treated badly by them then they shouldn’t expect to just swan in and have a relationship with DC. That’s not about being petty in a ‘you’ve been horrible to me so I’m punishing you by keeping my child from you’. It’s more about needing assurances that they will treat you better moving forward. Otherwise your child will pick up on the poor treatment and toxic behaviour and be caught up in loyalty conflicts. I would need to know that they regretted and wanted to make up for their past behaviours and I’d need to see them making an effort.