To think our values have altered as we aged?

[ChangingtheLightbulbs]

I would really love to know if I am alone in this.
Together 25 years, one child who no longer lives at home, both self employed.
There were some differences all through, but they never seemed to cause issue, but I now wonder if I allowed his values to smother my own.
He is 10 yrs older than I, although this never made any difference until we grew older. Now I notice it quite a bit, and he seems so unyielding and inflexible.

Over the past 6 years our differences have grown, causing arguments, resentment and confusion. Since meno I have become more aware of what I want, and how I prefer to live, and he has also become more stubborn about his own values. We agree on large topics, such as overall beliefs, politics, behaviour, etc, but it is the domestic ones that pose a real problem. I don't think they can be reconciled since after many talks about it, it just starts all over again, no matter how much I try, he just carries on in the same way.

Examples might be: cooker needs replacing. I am happy to pay for a new one. A friend of his mentions they have a spare from an old rental property, so he accepts it. It doesn't work well and is caked in shit. Apparently he didn't want to be impolite to his friend

Another example: He won't get things fixed, or discourages getting them fixed. Comes up with a crackpot solution to deal with the problem that makes the original one look better! I offer to deal with it, we then argue. We established he doesn't like fuss or upheaval, but it causes more in the long run.

Another: In the last 6 yrs we have separated finances due to these differences, to try to keep the peace. Now he lives almost like a bachelor, and rarely considers things that I need. We share bills and that's it. He will make sure everything he needs is 'in', and rarely asks me my opinion or if I have got what I need if he goes shopping.

We seem to have developed different ways to negotiate everything, from how to plan a holiday to managing the home. When we discuss these things there's this sense that he doesn't want to communicate about them and some of the looks he gives me are upsetting. I suspect he despises me for some of my values as I am coming to despise him. I have really tried, but he isn't interested. All mouth and no action/change.

Only notable things that I can blame might be having very different backgrounds (economic not cultural) and as I grow older I seem to have become more comfortable with my own families values, which irritates him. I imagine I stuffed them away somewhat when we met. He deals with things with a sort of 'fugitive' or low expectancy attitude that doesn't work for us anymore. I can't relate to it and it frustrates me.
I don't see how it can be reconciled now, and have had to focus on moving on, soon.
But I wanted to ask if anyone had experienced this, as it only seems to have settled in as we have grown older.

I wrote this about a month ago, it got no replies so I forgot about it, but just seen it in my history.
Thought I would bump it as the issues are still there. I hope this is ok.

This is really sad to read. No advice sorry as I'm in an earlier phase of life, married 7 years with a young child. The idea of growing apart was we age really upsets me though and I was thinking/worrying about it only today so it is coincidental that I've seen your post now. I recently have had cause to think that my husband is slowing changing his views on a value that we both shared very much at the the beginning of our relationship. This is really difficult for me to contemplate because one of the reasons I felt we clicked so well right from the beginning were these shared beliefs and ideas. It's difficult to bring it up with him and I'm not sure what good it would do either.

Have you considered couples counselling to talk to through your issues? Do you think he is bothered by them?

Hi, I can't say I've got the exact experience but I definitely felt my ex and I were growing apart. We were together 10 years 2dc.

His rough edges got harder over the years, not smoother.

I found us just moving apart in our daily lives- choosing to do different things with our time. It was clear our values and priorities were increasingly different.

I had enough. We split. He's a bit sad by it all but i feel a lot better. I am encouraged by a future without him.

Are you considering leaving too, OP?

I'm now living alone after two marriages and I realise I am happier than ever. I was a people/partner pleaser when I was younger and made compromises I should never have entertained. I'm lucky that I am financially independent and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to do whatever I want to do, without the stress of annoying another person (or in my case them being abusive towards me for years). I have even gone on holiday by myself just to experience what it's like to pack, drive to the airport and catch a flight, without being screamed and shouted at. It was bliss 😁

Good luck OP; it's a cliché but we only live once.

I would say that a ten year age gap might seem wider as you actually age. He might be struggling more in a not obvious health way possibly. Then there’s the economic background. I think you do have to work just as consistently in older age relationships, as much as you do in the earlier stages, but over different priorities. We actively try and share some of our interests, and still make decisions jointly, but don’t resent each other if we really do differ on certain things. Only you two can decide if there’s enough left to stay together, and what will be best for you. But be careful you have plenty of support, friends, family if you do split. Old age for some can be very lonely. But you have every right to enjoy yourself as well. Good luck with it.

I think its fine to diverge a little as long as you've a strong core to keep you together. Because you'll each stretch to a certain point in opposite directions then ping back to the stability of what you give each other. Unfortunately it sounds like you don't have that core anymore and what you needed from each other once you no longer do. You appear to be emotionally and socially separated already living as house mates who irritate each other. If you want the path of least resistance you can carry on like that indefinitely building and living your separate lives under one roof, or you could take the plunge and physically leave, which would obviously open the option of a new relationship if that interested you.

This is interesting for me, OP.

DH and I have been together for about 33 years and married for going on 29. I'm 55 and he's 62. We have one DC who is at university but lives at home.

I'm increasingly finding DH difficult to live with (and, frankly, unlikeable). We are completely different creatures but whereas when we were young, we managed to find common ground, this is no longer happening. DH is becoming very set in his ways and just sort of "whingey" - and a lot of it revolves around household matters. For example, he wants many things done in a certain way but simply won't communicate his likes/dislikes and will instead huff and puff if things are not as expected. I've told him time and time again that I'm happy to do (most) things the way he wants but that I'm not a mind reader so he needs to articulate what he wants. But he doesn't or won't - and so the cycle continues. Most upsettingly, I recently realised that whereas I have always seen our household differences as part of life's tapestry, he sees me as "failing". And now I'm gradually finding that I can't accept this and am becoming indifferent to him.

I have no illusions that part of my problem stems from unresolved issues in our parenting of our DC. DH turned out to be a "Disney dad", which forced me into the role of boundary setter/keeper, a role in which he constantly undermined me. I begged him for years to work with me to find a way for us to parent DC more evenhandedly but it came to nothing. Recently he also said a few things which made me realise that he refused to help me encourage and develop certain basic behaviours (cleanliness and tidiness) in DC because he was not happy with my own "performance" in that area. It was an eye-opening moment for me. I had raised DC's cleanliness/tidiness with him at numerous points - even to the point of saying that I was really concerned about whether DC's behaviour in this area indicated a mental health issue - and he had said absolutely nothing.

I don't know if we have a future. I feel like it would take a lot of work, and I'm not sure that I can be bothered. I'm tired and know that I could live perfectly well on my own. It's such a shame as he also has a lot of admirable characteristics. He has actually recently been on a pre-retirement training course that has given him some insight into himself. But it all just seems too little too late, and I have the sneaking suspicion that he will ultimately always want me to meet standards he can't communicate rather than be prepared to be honest and open so that we can forge a joint path.

It may be that you’ve developed your own sense of self as you’ve got older, and often this disappears into the haze when you’ve a child (albeit now an independent adult.) Were you young when you got together, and melded your values during the parenting years, and it’s only as time has passed that you’re saying ‘hang on!’? I think this is quite common.

Is he a Yorkshireman?

It sounds like you've grown out of him. He's probably always been like this but you went along with it and now you're pushing back he's become more entrenched.

He's very selfish and he's not considering you at all. He's more concerned about upsetting his friend than upsetting you. He makes sure he's taken care off.

I would just start organising to get things fixed, buy a new cooker etc without taking him into account. Let him sulk. In the meantime have a think about whether you want to put up with this for the rest of your life.

I think it's hard as you age to accept the compromises you perhaps made when you needed a mate to rear children with. I'm in a similar situation, financially independent and really tbh life would be more pleasant and easier without him now. Not sure what to do atm as he doesn't want to let ne go.

Curious what Yorkshire would have to do with it!!
But no, he is from Cheshire.

Thank you everyone for such thoughtful replies. A pp mentioned us not having that 'core' anymore to keep us stable, and we are definitely at the end now. It has become so difficult now that I feel he is constantly resisting anything that matters to me. He won't even eat the same meals.

If I am going to be pessimistic, I'd say I was a sexual 'score' for him when younger, and having to live with me as an equal irritates him. I belong to him, but he doesn't want or need me. Tragic, I know.
Thankfully, I am done.

The background thing is odd. I can only see it now how odd it was in the past. Retrospect is a killer. He did everything in his power to dissuade me from completing university, even offering to marry me and asking me to have a child. Thankfully I didn't give in.
When due to choose which uni (I had a few offers up and down the country) he was so upset about me attending my favourite that he bought a house (that he later sold) and got an 'ordinary' job to impress me into staying. He later resented me for this and blamed me for having done it!

He never puts me down much, but will never show enthusiasm for my interests and actively looks sour if I indulge them - theatre, radio channels, plays, etc. I once volunteered with a group of conservationists in a rural area and he would not come to meet my new friends. On the occasion that he met them accidentally, he was silent, gruff and out of sorts. To this day he will never admit to any of that.

I think he preferred me when younger as I was passive, and lived entirely his way, with his friends and interests. I adopted his values to a good extent.

Now that I'm old, and have seen other people grow older, I think that perhaps we become more 'ourselves' as we age. Qualities, values that we had become 'more so'. Someone who nit-picked now and then when young can settle into being a persnickety old bugger. Someone who could be a bit negative sometimes becomes a chronic moaner. I've noticed this about me, of course, but I'll keep the nature of my transmogrification to myself!

My parents who are in their eighties have become different people in a similar way.
My dad refuses to do anything to their rather crumbling house because he "doesn't see the point" at their age, despite them both still being quite sprightly
My mum is desperate to decorate, buy new things etc but he just wears her down with his refusals and arguments.
I feel very sad for my mum but she has always excused my dad's often emotionally abusive behaviour towards her and my sibling & me.
From what I have seen of their marriage, OP, this situation has only got worse with time. 😔