to tell daughter to call police

[cardigankitty]

DD23 stayed at friend's last night. Woke up to hear friend's boyfriend, who lives there rent free, beating her up. Flatmate and mutual friend says this happens every night but 'she doesn't want to get involved'.

DD wants to help but doesn't know how. She spoke to friend who said she loves her boyfriend and that he just gets angry sometimes. Refuses to countenance possibility of going to women's aid. Have told DD that he will escalate until he ends up hospitalising her friend or killing her.

Can't really think of what DD can do. I offered to get in touch with friend's parents - DD said friend's dad not in picture and mum lives nearby but is moving away soon, and she doesn't even know her name to contact her. If DD called police, would they come round? Friend would deny it presumably and then abuse would get worse, so not sure if that's the right option.

So worried about this girl now, the boyfriend sounds like absolute scum.

What's depressing too is that apparently this is common knowledge in friend group though DD only just found out but 'no one wants to get involved'.

I would also go with calling the police. It will likely be the end of a friendship but I think this is worth losing a friend over. The alternative is ignoring that her friend keeps getting beaten and giving the message that it's ok.

I see the point that the friend will lose a support and become more isolated but your DD can tell her that she will be there at the other end of the phone in a month, six months or three years if she wants to reach out. What else can she do?

I'm sure this is extremely common for the police to deal with. I know they can put flags on peoples homes who are at risk of DV so any calls eg silent ones, they know to attend very quickly and the address comes up right away. I don't know if they can do that without her consent but I still think this being on the record is best. It may be helpful one day in building a picture up.

They should have called the police but I think it's incredibly poor advice to suggest the girls should have waded in and confronted the attacker. Men are way stronger than women and this man is obviously a violent bastard.

Oh gosh how awful. I would definitely call the police; but if she doesn’t want to press charges I don’t know what they will do :(.

The police could take statements from your daughter and the other people in the flat regarding what they heard and if they saw their friend with injuries. That would allow the police to arrest the boyfriend and afford the opportunity to speak to the victim and try and get a statement off her.
Reality is though if she refuses it's not likely to go anywhere unless he's got previous.

D it happens again please tell your daughter to keep herself safe and ring 999

I think people are being very hard on your daughter - it's well known that getting involved can sometimes make things worse for the victim and she's young, and come across it for the fiest time, and shes not ignoring it and she is sensibly wanting advice. I think that reporting it now, and making making a plan for what to do if it happens again, I.e. to call the police then, iw the best thjng to do.

I'm so saddened that, at the very least, no one called the police in the moment. Sure men are stronger but bursting into the room with the police on the phone would very likely have made him stop & probably leg it. Of course he might not & it's a risk but probably less likely than him putting her in hospital or killing her. I've stepped in to some pretty awful situations where being female definitely helped - shitting it inside but, generally, cowardly men are terrified of outwardly confident women.

As for the housemate's boyf? What a sack of shit! He's not even protecting his own partner. And they all know about this? Christ this is awful.

Good luck with whatever path you choose & worth keeping a check on your DD cos that would have been very traumatising to hear

Our local women’s aid have advised not to call the police unless the abuse is happening at that moment. They said that dd should meet with friend and very gently make it clear she is there for her if she needs her but to be very careful as friend may fall out with her and it’s important friend doesn’t end up isolated. An awful situation and I wish there was more we could do.

she also advised to get a Clare’s Law disclosure as that could encourage friend to leave if she discovers previous convictions.

Oh gosh such a tricky and awful situation. Women’s aid would surely have the best informed advice so I would follow that

This. I can't believe the amount of posts shaming op's daughter for not stepping in. She was probably terrified herself.

Police don't often step in anyway in situations like this. It will take for the gf who's being abused to do something, and even then, she will require evidence.

I don’t anybody is necessarily ‘shaming’ her. Nobody had to go wading into the room but I’m mortified none of them called the police.

Sadly her friend will need the see the light herself. If kids arent involved, and if she is defensive of her relationship, then no one else can do anything.

How scary for everyone involved. What a monster. I'm going to guess she witnessed or experienced abuse as a child, and therefore thinks it's normal or thinks it's a sign of love.