I know.. another thread about part time dads

[Oli2927]

Hello,

just wondering if I have the right to feel frustrated sometimes at how easy some seperated dads have it?
so the background story is I separated from my ex a few years ago. We have 2 children together. Initially when we seperated he had the children every other weekend one week and Friday night to Saturday midday the other week. Sometimes he’d have the children once through the week so they could still see their dad. Although it really was just before their bedtime and I picked up at 7am before he went to work. He didn’t have to feed them or get them bathed etc
we had a private cms arrangement. His work is subject to overtime and bonuses and we agreed a set figure each week and I said look no matter how much you earn just keep it at the £100 per week. I don’t need more than that. All was going well. I felt a bit put out about the weekends because I never really got a whole weekend with the children. But I was trying to put my children first who were adjusting to parents separating etc
fast forward to a few months later and he gets into a relationship with somebody. All still well. She seems nice and chatty etc. doesn’t live where we are from. Time comes and he moves in with her. (45 mins away) which meant mid week contact had to stop.
I did try and have a conversation about it and whether he’d thought of the logistics of being further away from the children. (Emergencies, not seeing them as much etc) but he wasn’t fussed.
a few months after that I got a random text from him saying that he’s been speaking to a financial advisor and he’s decided he’s paying me less money now. The bare minimum. He’d tallied up all the overnights he’d had them through the year. He’s now paying less. (I know CMS goes on overnight contact. However the majority of them were they were fed bathed and ready to go to bed so in essence just slept there. Fustrating. But I was like fine. If you want to go through the book that’s ok. Just be aware that if you ever get overtime or bonuses they will calculate that too. So the choice is yours. he still went ahead with it. Fine I let it go.
but then I had a little word with myself and thought why am I sacrificing my time for the children at weekends for this man when he shows no consideration to me or the kids. So I said that I wanted them eow and that if he could arrange it he could have them for a midweek contact or arrange with work to do school pick ups on a Friday and drop off to school on a Monday so he wouldn’t lose anytime. He can’t do that.

im aware I’m rambling a bit. Just giving back story.

so is this actually normal? Like seriously? Moving away from your children. Only having them every other weekend.
never doing school runs, children being sick is down to me.

I get, my work won’t allow me to do pick up or drop offs. I can’t have them when Ill. I am busy at work today.

must be nice to be able to have a fulfilling career never have to worry about working around the school runs or a child being ill or school holidays or TD days. More opportunities to earn more money

Yet I have to work part time and constantly have the stress of being able to cover everything.

my day starts at 5.30am. Having that headspace before I start the day. Making lunches getting myself and children ready for school, taking them to school, putting them in a breakfast club rushing to work. Rushing home from work to pick them up again, dinner times, homework extra stuff they need. Keeping them alive. 😂 but he just needs to roll out of bed. Go to work and come home again. Doesn’t seem fair does it.

I know I’m not the only mum in this situation and some have it worse. I’m just fustrated.
should I be? Am I being massive whiney pussy?
according to him this is normal. Most dads have this arrangement. ‘If I’m not up to it he can have the kids full time and claim benefits’ 🙄 I don’t even claim.

is it reasonable to expect more than EOW? Shouldn’t the norm be 50/50?
sorry. Just frustrated. Feel free to tell me I’m overreacting.

Yes unfortunately this is the norm. The dad continues with his life and work, seeing DC every other weekend for fun times and absolves themselves of all real responsibility. Whilst also complaining about paying to support their children.
It’s really difficult and you aren’t being unreasonable for being annoyed about the situation. But it does get easier as the dc grow up and in the end you’ll have a good relationship with your children and every other weekend sort of off to have some time to yourself.
If you can formalise everything through a court order and CMS, do. It’s especially helpful for holidays because you won’t need his permission for shorter trips.
Things will get easier and lots of us see these men for the shit dads they are!

I’m sorry OP it is the norm but that doesn’t mean it’s not rubbish and very unfair. The way the law sits does allow dads to walk away and as long as they pay the CMS amount there’s absolutely nothing you can do, no court will ever force a dad to have their kids more if they don’t want to- which is fair, but it doesn’t factor in that actually by not enforcing contact they DO force mum to do it all. I’m sorry, it is really shit x

Honestly, I don't think most people who split actually sit down and process what life will be life, before they split.

So sorry you are carrying 90% of the emotional, mental and physical burdens. That's so hard for you but please plan in time for YOU each day otherwise you will burn out and be resentful (no wonder!!)

That situation is life changing for you, no matter how lovely or rewarding the relationship with your kids is.

Is there anyone we can contact to make changes in the law and government as basically this is what most women have to put up with.

It's a lifetime or two of self sacrifice where they lose a LOT - time for themselves, their head space, their hobbies, their fun times, their hopes, their dreams, their life, their prospects, their relationships, their career opportunities etc etc, for a pittance from the entitled partner who has puts in little effort in return and carries on in his merry way.

Let's start change.
Does anyone know first steps?
Thinking with lots of females in government, they will "get it" so good timing?! X

The thing is there is never ever going to be and kind of change to law to force a parent to have their child when they actively do not want to as it would never be in the best interests of a child to be with someone who does not want them there. The law focuses on what is best for the child, not the parent, and with the risk of abuse or neglect that would come with forcing unwanted contact this would just simply never get anywhere as it wouldn’t be safe.

That’s not me saying it’s fair, because it isn’t, but it is about what is best for the child and forcing someone to have them when they don’t want to is never going to be in a child’s best interests.

This situation is one of the many reasons why men get a hard time if they post on here.

Women are sick of it.

Men seem to be either feckless, violent or financially irresponsible.

Or they refuse to pay anything.

Then so many of them move in with their next girlfriend and pretty much forget about the older children.

Its so shit OP but is the case for me too. When we split we supposedly had 50/50 but I had to take them to school each day and pick them up and look after them until he finished work, so not 50/50. Within weeks he changed to one night a week and EOW. I do all dr appointments, all dentists, all school appointments, take to all extra curricular activities, cover all sick days, all inset days and the majority of holidays. Oh and all homework support too.
My life is manic. I have to work FT to make ends meet (I actually work more hours than my ex!). My day starts at 6 and I don't stop until 10 ish. I flex my hours to the max to fit everything in and have lost a lot of what is important to me. I have so little time for me, it's exhausting.
It must be so easy for them, swanning around doing as they wish! My Ex has also just asked to reduce contact (he lives 5 mins away!) Because his girlfriend doesn't like having our kids around. I mean, you couldn't make it up. He can stop seeing them add it's nothing. Imagine if we did... it would be seen as neglect!
Sometimes I feel like writing to a paper and shaming him and all the other crap parents... maybe one day!!

My ex never paid a penny for his DC and very quickly stopped seeing them.

He then found a new GF and moved in with her, and they had a baby.

The new GF was very nice, and she got sick of being his punching bag (just as I had) and kicked him out.

He never paid her anything for their child, either.

Make sure you pass by CMS! Don't agree to anything he will propose because something tells me you would be entitled to more going the formal way... and stop making life easy for him. He moved away, his loss.

Yes - it's rubbish.

My ExH had them EOW for 12 years, lived in various places, all more than an hour away. Did about eight school runs in that whole time, would often change contact arrangements around his social life work. No doctor appointments or dentist or liaising with the school, no homework nothing. Always underpaid maintenance.

Just had a fun old time EOW.

Recently he's moved a lot closer, and sent me a spreadsheet of my contact time with the children. CF.

You are the default parent.
https://www.boredpanda.com/being-default-parent/

@HornyHornersPinger nailed it!

Thanks for your replies! Just needed a vent. I’m ill and stressed.
full of mum guilt. Because my ex can have the kids once a fortnight and afford to do all this stuff with them and I can’t because I have them most of the time and my work hours and what I can earn reflect that.

So frustrating and unfair OP.

I'm glad you've stopped doing the midweek contact. I hope that is some relief at least. The rot had already set in when you were doing all the actual work around that.

It wasn’t my choice on the midweek contact. He moved away so it become impossible.
I stopped the Friday night to Saturday lunch time contact as I felt that I do all the grafting through the week so me and the children deserve meaningful quality time together too. As in my opinion rushing around in the mornings getting them to school and afterschool doing dinner homework bathing them etc isn’t really quality time. If you know what I mean. So we both have a full weekend with the children now and I have them all week too

I suppose the only thing you can do is take him up on his offer and swap with him, so he gets the week and EOW and you get EOW and pay him CMS.

@WeAreWhereWeAre why did he have a spreadsheet of your 'contact time' and what on earth was he trying to show by sending it to you? That's just so weird

@TheAgeOfAquarius

Because when he moved closer, he wanted to see the DCs more.

He would arrange with the DCs for them to go to his after school and stay the night - usually no one thought to tell me. I said that I couldn't continue with the 'non arrangement'.

So he decided to send me a spreadsheet to provide clarity. Then completely disregarded it anyway.

I saw a meme that said A lot of men want a kid like how a toddler wants a puppy.

Seems to be the case going by posts here and society in general. It's acceptable for men to discard their kids, other women still find that sexually attractive. Doing less than the bare minimum to parent the kid they actively bred is deemed 'amazing'. Absolutely pathetic.

You’re not alone. My ex tells people he does 50/50, most weeks he will do 3 nights but he’s very aware CMS is based off nights not days as you mentioned, so him collecting DD at 7PM after she’s had tea to have her a couple hours before bed is his idea of 50/50. I pay for everything for her, every bit of uniform, clothes, after school activities. He gets to pick and choose what days he wants based off his social life and I have to ask if I want a particular day off every blue moon. I’m a small business owner who has to spend the entire day squeezing work in whenever I can so I can afford everything with DD cause he pays for nowt, and has her maybe 10 hours a week that she’s actually awake.