So Fed Up

[SoDemure]

Group of 3 v v close friends, known each other since birth.

I had my DC young when we were in our 20s, all fine. My DC is grown and we are all in early 40s now.

Friend 1 (Suzy) has a 5 month old baby.

Friend 2 (Kim) has a 2.5 year old.

We cannot go for dinner anymore because Kim doesn't want to leave 2.5 yo.

Fine, we meet during the day. I am always the one suggesting this despite having a busy job and other stuff going on.

Suggested we meet up soon, Kim finally agreed a date. Suzy Suggested a really nice but casual restaurant in town - perfect. Suzy is also bringing her baby and is super chilled.

Once again, Kim is (politely but firmly) asking to meet up in an area easier for her, have a coffee then a stroll then maybe find some food. All to tie in with 2.5 yo lunch and nap.

Suzy very polite so has agreed, even though she is now lugging her baby across town.

AIBU to think we don't need to keep revolving our plans around a 2.5 yo's nap?? And sometimes it would be nice to so what the other two of us would like to do?

I love Suzy dearly but really fed up as this is a constant theme.

What is the harm in having lunch in a restaurant and not hanging around in the likely cold so the toddler has a nap?

Your memory of the early years is probably a bit fuzzy because your kids are grown up but a 2.5YO in any nice restaurant is a struggle, especially when they’re missing a nap to be there. If they’re included in the meet up then that has epic disaster written all over it so I 100% understand why she’s suggesting something else without the formal dining element.

The issue is that Kim won’t ever leave the toddler and therefore it always has to be child friendly, which I get must be annoying for you when you’re long past that stage. Also, it’s further complicated by Suzy who has a young baby that she might have to bring if on mat leave and/or breastfeeding and you can’t say yes to Suzy’s kid but not Kim’s, but 5MO babies usually sit quietly in the pram, sleep and feed so don’t need special accommodations in the way a toddler does.

Annoying as it is you’re unlikely to convince Kim to leave her toddler and trying is likely to lead to a fall out so it’s probably a take it or leave it in terms of child friendly meet ups right now. Up to you whether or not you think a lifetime of friendship is worth it or she’s too self centred to be worth the effort.

Your names switched between Kim and Suzy at the end....Kim is the problem not Suzy yes? Yeah I couldn't be arsed with someone like Kim, she is that parent.

Sorry. Issue is with Kim.

Meet at a time the dads can have the kids

We're not suggesting fancy restaurants and happy to be flexible on timing. My own DC was fine anywhere but parenting styles have changed in nearly 2 decades, I get that.

It just feels that every single time we make a plan, it needs to be changed even though it's not like we're suggesting 10pm cocktails at the savoy.

She won't agree to that because weekends are family time for her, she won't do evenings because the kid still needs her and so it's only on this one day that all 3 of us have off during the week.

2.5 year old nap? Mine didn't I had one that made it to 18 months with a regular nap (bit beside beside the point I know)

I think your just going to have to get through it for a bit longer if you value the friendship

YANBU I have a dear friend who organises everything around naps and school holidays which means I hardly ever see her which is such a shame. My kids would usually nap in the pushchair or car but I think you have to respect other people's way of doing things, that doesn't mean it can't be annoying

I think you have to accept that she's become a parent bore OP.

You are not being unreasonable but I think you need to vote with your feet or this will carry on....

"Sorry Kim, but going to different area doesnt suit me this time. Can we stick to original meeting place and time?"

If she says no, just dont go but maybe this will also prompt Suzy to say if she has an issue with the constant plan to suit what Kim wants.

Children can be so different and while lots of children can manage restaurants easily, some children aren't great at sitting still and quiet and waiting. It's not always bad parenting, it's just different temperament and if it feels like it's not working for Kim right now, then I think if it's a friendship that you value it's worth compromise to make it easier for now. I'm sure as her child gets older she will begin leaving them with Dad. .

YANBU to be fed up. It depends how much you value the friendship whether you're willing to keep putting up with this. What would happen if you just politely said no, let's stick to the original plan so Susie doesn't have to trek across town with her infant? If that won't work, just accept you have a different friendship with Kim now and enjoy dinners out with other friends.

Same! I genuinely didn't think 2.5year olds still napped!!! MY DC was just under 18months when they gave up naps altogether.

I wouldn't be planning my social meet-ups around a 2.5year olds nap, no. Can you do what Kim wants to do occasionally, then just meet up with Suzy separately at other times?

I'm not sure what I'd do, but you have my sympathy! I had my daughter at 16 (I know, I know). I'm 34 now and she's off away being a teenager, but all my closest pals are just having their firsts and seconds and are eyeball deep in nappies and nap times and the entire universe revolving around their little ones. And as much as I love their kids, I do sometimes miss everyone being flexible!

It's weird to adjust your friendships to match the differences, but I suppose the reality is Kim's kid is always going to be her priority. Perhaps you and Suzy should start doing things just the two of you, then both make an effort to do the more kid friendly things with Kim too? Best of both worlds? Keep the friendship going through the early high dependence years and then when things mellow out it can go back to being more like your previous dynamic. It'd be a shame to lose such a long standing friendship over what is likely to be a temporary change.

My DS napped until 4!!

Some kids are higher need than others and require routines and structure. I've had 3 kids and 1 needed it the other 2 were chill.

For the sake of another year or two until the child is in nursery or maybe school I'd probably suck it up.

But maybe sometimes do an evening or weekend with other friend.

I think if Kim won't leave the baby with anyone then she has to accept that she won't be able to go to all meet ups.
Meet up with Suzy at the original place & tell Kim you'll meet her at another time.

I think you’re being unfair. The 2.5 will soon grow older and you’ll be able to go back to more adult catch ups, relatively speaking it’s a short period of time in your long standing friendship to show some compromise. How did your meet ups look when your children were these ages and they were childfree?

There weren't many meet ups when my DC was a toddler as the other two were busy being normal 20 somethings! But I didn't do the while child centred thing. I just plonked him in the buggy and sat him with crayons in restaurants/ cafes. Or I left him with his dad / grandparents (Kim has all those options too).

I can't use Suzy as an excuse as Suzy has already agreed to Kim's change of plan. Suzy is also super chilled and we do meet up separately as our DH's get on well too. Suzy is also happy to leave her DC with grandparents for the odd dinner out.

For the sake of the relationship, I will agree to Kim's plan, but not replying on the group chat yet. I know it's petty, but I feel I need to make a teeny tiny protest.

We have a rigid nap time. I have a 2yo. We either do a very late lunch or early dinner. Sorry my nap times are strictly so because it means I get an absolute certain block of time every day. My baby is sleep trained so will only sleep in her cot. Suits me brilliantly fine as it means I get almost 2 hours of a break. You must have clearly forgotten in two decades how tough this is. Maybe just pick a time and if Kim can't make it then she can't. It can't all be revolving around Kim. Suzy needs to also say something as she has a younger baby.

My 2.5 year old still napped for 2 hours every day around lunch time. I wouldn't want to take a cranky toddler to lunch, so I'd probably decline, but I was always flexible outside of that- mornings, afternoons, evenings and weekends. If I were you I wouldn't change my working pattern to suit them. Just say no or meet the other friend when it suits them

Is the new plan inconvenient for you or is it more the principle of it? Has she always been like this or is she just doing her best to juggle all the balls with friends, husband, toddler, work?

She doesn't have anything else to juggle on her day off.

I'm not keen on the plan because grabbing a coffee and then a walk and maybe grab some food is quite different from having a cosy lunch in a warm restaurant. We have also done that coffee / grab a snack plan at the same place before and it was a bit shit.

I haven't forgotten anything, I just didn't centre everything around nap times.

I'm also happy to have an early or late lunch, but that doesn't appear to be an option.

As others have said, I will continue to tolerate this as I don't want to be unkind to her needs, but it's just fucking annoying.

I understand the friend with the toddler is refusing to go out without them, but why can’t you arrange a dinner and if toddler mum won’t come, you just go with the other friend?

You aren’t excluding her.

Yeah we do this as well but we also want to see Kim (and Kim's DC if that works), but it always has to be on her terms.

Kim is very lovely but totally blinkered when it comes to her PFB.