I (F43) have been with my SO (M48) for 5 years and we have lived together for 4. I have two sons (8 and 12) with my ex-husband, and we co-parent 50/50 very successfully, we still get along extremely well and are in contact daily regarding the kids.
The problem is my SO. I think he is overly strict with my children. Always monitoring them, always meticulously correcting them for the smallest mistakes etc. I have asked him not to, and he usually stops it for a while. But then he resumes his policing and there we go again. I can honestly say that my kids are super nice, obedient, have a great sense of humor, treat SO with respect, they’re generally just very lovely and don’t need constant looking after – I get 99% very positive feedback on them from school and their friends’ parents so it is not just my biased view. My SO has an adult son and he always justifies his behavior with successfully raising his own son in the same manner and how his son has thanked him for good upbringing and said that he was the perfect dad. I have tried to explain that my sons are different persons, and that there is no need for him to correct what does not need correcting just because e.g. they don’t sit up straight at the dinner table or sometimes leave the light on in their room or socks on the floor. Small stuff that is not something affecting our lives or atmosphere at home unless he points them out.
My SO has started to behave quite weirdly. In addition to policing my kids, he no longer seems interested in what I tell him about my kids. The older one is very successful in a sport and doing well in school. The younger one is loved by all his classmates and doing extremely well in one school subject. I am of course very happy about their success and sometimes tell little anecdotes about them or send WhatsApp messages to SO. SO just doesn’t seem to care. He replies “ok”, thumbs up reaction, or something like that, never asks additional questions, comments, nor does he want to hear more. When he talks about his son, I engage in the discussion, ask questions, and am generally quite interested in his son’s life – despite never having lived with him and only seeing him like 5 times a year.
I have noticed this situation getting exceedingly worse lately. Last week I decided to test SO by acting / replying exactly like he usually does, when he wanted to tell me something nice about his son. I just looked up and said “OK, nice”. This resulted in an argument because he felt bad that I didn’t seem to care. I pointed out that he has literally acted the same way towards me for years, resulting in me not telling him things about my kids because of his uninterested responses. I nowadays discuss and celebrate my sons only with my ex-husband. I’ve tried to be considerate to my SO and understand that as they are not his children, maybe he does not really, genuinely care what they are up to as long as they are ok, nor does he even bother with feigned interest? But now that we had our discussion and I told him that I will no longer bring up my children when they are not with us due to his uninterested reaction, my SO is upset with me. I have tried to explain my stance and told him that I have gotten the bare minimum in reactions from him, and I just mirrored it back to him to show what it feels like. He understands, yet he doesn’t. He cannot explain why he acts like he does with my kids.
AIBU for my “tit for tat”, and for not discussing my kids with him anymore?
And yes, I am starting to question if living together with him as a family is a good idea and whether we should sell our home and live separately.
(Obligatory: Sorry, English is not my first language but I hope I've explained this well enough)
Thank you all for your time and reply in advance!