Inlaws and DH expectation of me

[Onetwobuckeroo]

Long story short, in-laws weren’t nice to me. Subsequently I’ve hardly seen or spoken to them in 18 months. DH speaks to
them once a week, I always remind him to do so (they live abroad). DH wants us and our kids to go away with inlaws for a long weekend soon. I really don’t want to go. I’ve said he can go, take the kids but he’s insisting I go too. I know deep down me not going the kids will play up as mummy is not there etc.

YABU - just go. Do it for your kids and DH
YANBU - why should you? It’s going to be awkward as hell.

Oh hellll no.
your DH is completely unreasonable here.

why would he try to put you in that position considering you’ve been no(low?) contact for 18 months?!

It's hard to answer this as we don't know what they said to you. But assuming it wasn't anything truly unforgivable, I'd say suck it up and put up with them for DH's sake.

In what way were they unkind?

I would go but check into a hotel away from them.

Why does your DH think it's okay to ask you to go? He must be aware of how his parents have treated you in the past and that spending an extended amount of time with them would make you uncomfortable? Have you talked to him about your reasons for not wanting to go, and what was his response?

Yanbu. Don’t go. Life is too short to endure the company of people who treat you badly.

Without wanting to be too outing, it was to do with an “heirloom”an elderly relative chose to give me over DH’s mum. Inlaws basically made me feel I didn’t deserve it, it should have been left to her etc etc.

I’ve told DH I don’t want to go. He deep down knows if I don’t go, our kids will play up as I’m not there. He is a good dad but they only ever want mummy. Especially at bedtime etc.

@Onetwobuckeroo i have this thing where if the in-laws can’t respect and treat the mother of their grandkids well then they don’t get easy access. They are not entitled to anything.
I don’t know how you feel about that.
My dh is onboard with me on that so it makes my life slightly easier.

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t remind him to call them either. His family, his problem. He wants you to go to make his life easier but did he stick up for you when they were rude to you or get his mother to apologise to you?

No. How dare he. Why is he not backing you up?!

He never stuck up for me at the time. Just said he doesn’t like confrontation. He knows how badly they hurt me but just says he doesn’t know how to fix things. His mum actually had the audacity to say to me, life is too short to not get along!!!

Ha are we married to the same man?!
so sorry.

YABU to be reminding your DH to call them. Why do you do that?

YANBU at all to stay at home and not visit.

I would think about going because I’m used to putting up with my side of the family who are pretty awful. I would insist on some basic ground rules though. The most important is no shared housing. You will not be piling into a cottage together for the weekend. The second is not fully self-catered. The last thing you need is the pressure of negotiation who is cooking every meal and figuring out how to satisfy diverse tastes in a strange kitchen. Plan one big group meal a day in a restaurant and the rest of the time people can do whatever they want.

This will be a great opportunity for him to learn to parent his children competently. He doesn't need you as the unpaid nanny there.

Not a chance I’d go, I get on well with my in-laws but I wouldn’t want to go away for the weekend with them.

Dont go. Ive stopped doing things i dont want to do just for other people if it makes me uncomfortable. I feel better for it.

I get on with my in-laws, but I wouldn't go away with them.

It seems like a recipe for disaster to go away for the weekend with people you are not speaking to.

That said, you MiL isn't wrong that life probably is too short to not get along. It seems a bit extreme to me to have no contact over something said 18months ago.

YABU to be reminding your DH to call them. Why do you do that?

This!
Your in-laws hurt you badly, your DH can’t even remember to call his own parents yet you are facilitating their relationship. Why?!
Have some self respect.
Don’t go on the holiday.

I wouldn’t go and would stop reminding him to call his mum every week- you’re not his mum !

Why am I not surprised that a man who won’t stick up for his wife is a crap father? I would allow him to choose whether or not to take the kids but think that he should be doing more parenting rather than be so pathetic and helpless.

If you end the NC by going then your presence will be expected at future events because it will look like this trip has ended the NC and that you’ve forgiven the ILs.

Nope. Don't go. Tell him he can, with the kids. He can use it as a learning experience, and become a better dad. And take yourself off somewhere nice whilst they are gone. 😎🍹🏝️

@Onetwobuckeroo “but husband dearest…I also don’t like confrontation therefore I won’t be attending and it will be a good opportunity for you and your parents to really bond with the children without any awkward atmosphere”. flutter eyelashes innocently

Unless there’s a big back story here it seems OTT to not speak to ILs for 18mths over one incident. Clear the air, tell them how they made you feel and move on.

Do you want your kids to see you holding grudges like this?

His mum actually had the audacity to say to me, life is too short to not get along

I don’t think that’s an audacious thing to say. A lot of people would agree with that. It depends very much on the scale of offence.

So, this heirloom. It belonged to a member of your husband’s family, and your MIL was upset when it was given to you rather than her? Is it valuable or holds great sentimental value for her? Was it a bit insensitive of you to have accepted it?

Did she make one disgruntled remark and then tried not to fall out with you over it? Or has she gone on about it incessantly? Is this the only thing you’ve fallen out about or are there other issues?