To be really struggling with my dad's new relationship?

[CallyT]

And I don't know how to deal with the conflicting feelings or change to the family dynamic

My dad started seeing a woman 4 months ago. The consequence was he and my mum have had this weird on and off pseudo relationship for years after divorce.

So they would go on holidays together and my dad would often spend time at her house/my childhood home.

After 15 years of this companionship he has overnight got serious about this woman. My mum has been dropped as a companion while he is off romancing this lady on lots of trips away etc. My mum is lonelier because of it although she needs to focus on herself.

He is giddy and expects me to be happy for him but I feel as though my parents have just split up! Last year they were on holidays and now I just have to accept that's all over and be happy for him?

It's also upsetting because he is due to go to a concert with my mum next month but now tells me he will need to cancel our of respect to his partner.

I know it also means our Christmases are over too. They divorced years ago but didn't act like it so it feels to me like its just happening or like he is cheating or something!

This must be really hard for you (and your mum) and sounds like a really strange dynamic. I would feel the same and would struggle to accept such a sudden change. Have either of them had other relationships at all since they got divorced? I think you're well within your rights to tell your dad you need some time to adjust to such a sudden change if he starts pressuring you to meet the new woman/be super happy for him. Could you go to the concert with your mum instead?

@Butterfly43 thank you. At first I tried to convince myself it was silly to be upset.

Then I burst into big heaving sobs in front of my partner last weekend 🙁

The thing is what do I say to him? He isn't asking me to meet her. Its just him giddily talking about their holidays when he always went with my mum before that is upsetting. It's like I'm supposed to just be happy but I'm sad and I don't know what to say.

My dad has had 2 other relationships, my mum did briefly but not as much.

I don't know how to support him in his new relationship while justifiably letting myself be sad. Do I pretend for him?

I don't think you pretend but I think its equally ok to say you are glad he is happy ( if you are), but equally it feels sad that he's not around as such, or that the family dynamic has changed etc. And just see what he says

Gosh, how upsetting for you and for your mum. It's like the original breakup all over again, only clearer cut. I don't see that you need to meet this woman until you feel ready. It may not even last very long.

@Northernsoul72 he is still making plans to see just me.

Although last weekend me, him and my mum happened to be at the same event so we had dinner together after.

He didn't mention the woman once, so it's like he is hiding her. My mum only knows because I told her and she cried!

It sounds like he's been stringing her along and keeping her around until he found someone 'better' and has now thrown her away.

I know he was technically single and they were divorced but I feel really sorry for you and your Mum. Your poor Mum must feel awful.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo they've only been together 4 months but have already been on several trips. It seems to have heated up fast.

Do I pretend for him?

I wouldn't. You are understandably upset by this change in dynamics in your family.

You feel discombobulated.

I would be leaning more towards my mum to be honest, she must feel rather rejected.

And the problem now is I'm smiling and saying oh great, glad you had a nice trip

But really I'm fuming and like the little child inside me is so upset

oh i'm sorry.. i am actually the 'new woman' in a scenario very similar. can i suggest you have a conversation with both your mum and your dad, neither is at fault but maybe didn't realise what effect their companionship has had on you.

this new relationship is only 4 months old, so very early days and perhaps too soon to be meeting and playing happy families with, and if it doesn't work out, i'd maybe suggest that your mum and dad don't fall back into companionship again because its confusing for you.

its likely that 1 of them, and i'm going assume mum is still in love with your dad and if they 'pick up' again.. eventually someone is going to get hurt.

if that makes any sense...

Yes, it's a great romance at the moment and your dad feels like a teenager (and is possibly acting a bit like one too) but that doesn't mean the relationship will last very long, so I don't think you should feel pressured to meet her or make her part of your life, which might be even more upsetting for your mum. Just wait it out and wish your father well without getting too involved.

Did you already post about this recently?

Yep.

@thursdaymurderclub the funny thing about talking to them both is neither have talked to each other! He hasn't told her he has a new girlfriend. He is relying on me to tell her.

It's ridiculous.

But really I'm fuming and like the little child inside me is so upset

Google John Bradshaw. He's done lots of books and I see there's some Youtube videos about healing the inner child.

I'm worried about the impact on my mental health too.

It feels really overwhelming all of a sudden. Maybe also because Christmas is near and the elephant in the room is where he's going to spend it.

They've only been together four months, Christmas is 3 months. They might not even be together at Christmas.

It’s as if your parents have just split up. No wonder you’re upset. Give yourself time to come to terms with it. X

It's natural it feels odd after all this time, but your DF hasn't done anything wrong.

You're both lucky you had an extra 15 years to be honest.

It must be uncomfortable for you and your mum and it will take some getting used to but kids / teens and adults have to go through this all the time.

Imagine seeing one parent at Christmas age 5? It's awful but it's so common.

Id tell him to grow up and not rely on you to sort things out with either your mum or the new woman. He needs to cut the ties FGS after this length of time. Talk about having your cake and eating it! Yes your mum will be upset but sutely she realised the way they were was bonkers

I think you're both old enough to speak the truth - tell him how you feel, honestly. It was a strange set up with your mum and you are 100% allowed to feel sad and like they're splitting up all over again. He's not being fair on your mum but that's not your problem to solve. I'd just be honest with him.

Your mother has made choices, too, op. She chose to continue playing happy families with your dad even though they divorced, which is just bizarre to me. They have both made poor decisions, and it was inevitable it
would all go sideways at some point. I'm surprised it took this long, honestly.

As for your dad, you don't have to be happy for him, and you don't have to condemn him, either. Just leave him to it and encourage your mother to move forward and not go back to that weird charade should your dad's new relationship end.