To not remind him?

[Justonequery]

I reached the point with DH where I've said if his drinking gets excessive again (for example drinking to the point of vomiting on a working night or just when out for a casual beer with friends) our relationship is over. I've said I don't want to ask him to stop, because I really don't want it to be a decision be makes 'for me' or 'because of me'. If he wants to live that way then that is totally his choice, however I don't want to be here to see it and I certainly don't want our children thinking it's normal or acceptable. I also don't want to be the bad cop in his drinking arguments with himself, or have any resentment on not having another beer fall at my door. This all made sense to me when I said it. Hope I'm explaining it well.

But now I'm second guessing myself. I have a habit of having high expectations of people, and I just want to sense check my actions I suppose. The other night he went out with friends and I was itching to text him a reminder to pace himself, but I didn't due to what I'd said before. Instead I spent the night at home getting more and more anxious about how inebriated he was going to be when he got back and what state he'd be in the morning (fwiw he was fine, but my trust is going to take more than one incident to rebuild).

I really don't want my marriage to fail. I want him to succeed at this. I'm sure there will be many cynics and skeptics that tell me to cut and run now, maybe I'll be on here again in a few years saying you were right, but for now we have two very small children, I'm only working pt, the relationship and family are really very wonderful outside of the incidences where he goes out (or stays in) and seemingly looses all ability to say no to another beer. I'm not even sure I'm being reasonable to be upset that he drinks that much tbh, I'm teetotal so my ideals are on a different scale to his. I just can't shake the feeling that a person in their 40's should be beyond ending a night out with their head in the toilet. Especially when it wasn't even an occasion you'd associate with excessive drinking such as a stag or something. But as I said, I have a bad habit of having expectations that are too high. I'm bracing myself for you all to tell me to step off my pedestal and chill out.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to wash my hands of it and not remind him? Should I be being more supportive and approaching this like we're a team?

You are correct when you say that it has to be on him. You have explained the rational behind your thinking, which is solid
Do not remind a 40 plus year old man not to drink too much.

I think that's perfectly reasonable, I couldn't live with a drinker. I've always been clear that if he's drunk he does not come home. Go stay at a mates if you want to get pissed. I spent my childhood with a drunk father and my kids WILL NOT do the same. If he's even a shade past tipsy, find somewhere else to sleep it off.

I have a bad habit of having expectations that are too high.

Do you? Or do you have perfectly reasonable expectations that your h TELLS you are too high??

Yanbu at all about his drinking.

My DM is an alcoholic (10+ years sober now) so I know full well that people can change and get off the alcohol but they have to want to do it themselves.

My ex sounds similar to your husband, I waited years and years hoping he would change and grow up but it never happened. He didn't want to change and I couldn't cope anymore. I remember the nights of getting more and more anxious whilst he was out drinking and drinking, it's no fun.

I think what you've said to him is perfectly reasonable.

He has an alcohol problem.
You need to protect yourself and get prepared for this relationship not working long term.
He needs to seek help and support if he is serious about dealing with it.
Do not warn him.
He needs to take responsibility for himself.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Thanks for the replies. I just wanted to check I wasn't shooting myself and my marriage in the foot going down this route.

I don't feel very hopeful :( but fingers crossed.

I think what you’ve said is c reasonable. If he wants to stop and decides for himself and asks for your support, then I think helping him and reminding him would be okay. But he has to want to stop for himself. I think you’ve drawn the line in a sensible place. If he wants to continue the way he is, that’s on him and you don’t have to stick around and live with it.

Not reminding him is being supportive because only he can take control of this. High expectations are nothing to do with not wanting to live with a binge drinker. Alcohol misuse ruins marriages and it ruins lives.

Of course it's not a high expectation to not want your dh to drink so much he vomits.

It's not a high expectation for him to set a good example to his dc

It's not a high example for you to not want to deal with the aftermath of his drinking.

You can t fix it for him, you can't control his behaviour, this is on him and you're about to find out of his primary relationship is with your or with alcohols

Drinking till you vomit on any night of the week is never ‘normal’, unless you’re a very young person experimenting with alcohol, with no experience of understanding your own limits.

@Nannerli I agree. However I'm very sensitive about alcohol. I've never been a big drinker event at uni and endured years of peer pressure etc around it so I'm used to my opinion being the 'odd one' and drinking being the more accepted norm. DH and I have different limits, e.g. he can easily finish a bottle of wine of an evening with no aftermath whereas on the very rare occasions I drink I nurse a glass all evening and even then might not finish it 😅 So I always try and check myself before voicing an opinion as usually my norm is very much not his. But in this one it didn't feel like an unreasonable line to draw. It's handy having forums like this where you can gather opinions on discussions which would otherwise be a very 'me vs you' argument. Appreciate your comment. Thank you :)