Heartbroken Over My Daughter’s Dismissive Behaviour

[notmyrealname101]

DD19 is in her second year at university. I recently went into her room at home for the first time since she left for the new term, and I noticed she had taken down all her photos of friends to put up at her new place, which I understand. But it hurt to see that she left behind the only picture of us together.

I'm a single mum, I’ve always gone above and beyond for my kids, especially after their dad left when they were young. I’ve poured my heart into raising them, trying to give them everything they could want, and I’ve always wanted to build a close relationship. It feels like my daughter is and has always been quite dismissive and even disrespectful towards me. She can be a bit lazy, and unempathetic, and sometimes it feels like she takes advantage of my willingness to help her.

I do so much for them, and it’s hard not to feel like I’m being taken for granted. It’s really painful, especially when I’ve put in so much effort to be a good parent (possibly because I didn't have a loving upbringing myself so have over-compensated with mine maybe). On the other hand, we do have a good relationship in some ways - we have open discussions about her relationships with her boyfriend and friends, I feel lucky that she feels comfortable to offload and will discuss all her problems and listens to my advice and support (admittedly this tends to be a one-way street, but she's the kid and I'm the adult, I get that)

Anyway, I’m wondering if IABU. I think I might be bad at communication, I'm sensitive, and tend to bottle it up and then explode at a later date, should tell her how I feel about all this? I worry she might get defensive, and argumentative (she is ALWAYS right) and show zero empathy.

I don’t want to come across as unreasonable or make things worse. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do they ever start behaving in a kind, empathetic and loving manner? I'm beginning to think she never will which is gutting. I’d really appreciate any advice or thoughts.

I've been thinking I might sign up to a tai chi class (I gave it up when I fell pregnant with DD) so thank you for the nudge. You are right I need to focus on me being me more again, not me being mum! 🤗

My DC are not even in their teens yet but I do feel like sometimes I get lost in mum life, I forget who I am. My life is so busy and I don’t feel bored, but sometimes I do have to stop and think I need to be me! Even if just for a couple hours a week.

When I went to uni I took with me a load of pictures of my friends and it never occurred to me to bring family photos. I suppose I took for granted that I’d always have my family and probably wanted the friends photos for the memories (and to look popular!). You sound like a brilliant mum and you really don’t need to take this to heart.

Nothing on TV is real, even basic facts.

I once watched someone I knew in real life, on The Apprentice, pretend to be a web designer to "do the design work" for one of the group's projects. He was nothing of the sort.

I once went on a reality TV show where they claimed it was random members of the public signing up - it wasn't, they scouted them from YouTube and Instagram and had already planned who they would pick for the following rounds, it was just set up so it looked like people were applying/competing.

They will have been told what to say or set up with questions that are designed to manipulate into giving certain answers.

Don't worry. It's normal. Don't say anything or make things worse. She's showing you she's grown up now. Be yourself when she comes to you, and don't worry if it isn't as often as it was.

You can also take it as a hint that it's time to step back and not give her quite as much support.

Glad you're at peace with it now.

My DD is in her 30s now but I still remember a time when she was around 14 and I had an appointment at her school, but she got me to walk on the other side of the road to her 😂It did sting a little at the time but I soon laughed about it.

In my experience, it's around late teens early 20's when young women are just finding their feet and don't "need" mum so much. But rest assured it comes around again and when they come back to you, it's as an adult and that in itself is really lovely. That to me is when it does become more friendship based, in that you're spending time together because you want to and it's on a more equal footing.

I think you are expecting a bit much from this relationship and it may become overwhelming to her and push her away. She isn't your partner or best friend.
She's a 19 year old girl.
How empathetic do you expect her to be?
I think this is a touch of empty nest syndrome. But that's something you need to work on yourself. She's not going to be able to make you feel better.. naturally she will hardly think of it. She's embarking on her adult life all new and exciting!
That's just normal.
Hopefully as she gets older your bond will become that of two adults, more like a friendship. But right now is her time for independence.
Don't take it as a personal insult and don't overthink it.

I'm sure if you continue being there for your DD through the ups and downs, you'll have a special and solid relationship. When I was 19 I wasn't especially close with my mum, or at least I didn't realise I was. It's a time when you do need to focus on becoming yourself. 15 years on I more fully realise how fab my mum has always been, and one thing I massively admire is that she's let me have independence and she is also independent (if anything we are too far in that direction and I remember being the odd one out at uni because my mum never called or texted me! She wanted me to choose how often I kept in touch and to focus on enjoying uni, which was a slightly extreme attitude) We both do our own thing but love to chat and watch our shows together or go out for cake when I visit - and I'd say we have a better relationship than some of my friends whose mums seem to rely on their daughters for a purpose in life or get overly involved.

I agree

It's ok to have needs but not ok to expect your children to meet them

She sounds like a very normal teen.

She's not your friend.

You know she may have intentionally left it for you to have as a reminder of you together. Just a thought.

Don't assume you're forgotten, you're most certainly loved. She is young. Let this go.

Don't talk to her about it. She'll feel guilty and she shouldn't bear the weight of it. You are taken for granted right now, and probably always have been. I don't think anyone truly realises the sacrifice until they are much older. For me, it was only when I had children that I realised how much my parents love and have done for me.

Although it might feel hurtful, it's probably healthy. It's natural for young adult children to distance themselves from their parents in order to move on and build independent adult lives. You're the safety-net but hopefully she won't need it. When she's put enough distance between you and her to satisfy her need for independence, she'll probably return to being loving and affectionate.

Much easier to deal with than 'failure to launch' imo.

This. After having kids, I realised how great my parents were (especially my mother).

My son is a bit like this, he's at uni too and I make all the effort to keep in touch and he usually just texts or rings when he wants something. I've come to terms with it by realising that he's not 'mine' any more and that he's his own person with different priorities, studying and his friends are where his attention is at and that's exactly where it should be, he knows where I am and he knows I'm here if he needs me. It's worth thinking about how you've brought up an independent young adult, who confides in you when they want to and who is unafraid to go out into the world without needing to be attached to their mum, that is the product of a good secure upbringing.