Is this abuse?

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NC for this. Dh and I have been married for 10y. We have two school age children. For the past 3y I have been in therapy and have learnt quite a bit about myself and made some changes for the better. One of the main things I realised is that I am an extreme people pleaser, so much so that I will put other people first and neglect my needs.

I am feeling increasingly unhappy in my marriage. It has been rocky since second DC because the main thing we argue about is mismatched sex drives / affection levels. I like little bits of affection and probably sex once every two weeks or so? sometimes more sometimes less. DH likes constant cuddles, kisses and physical reassurance and he likes a lot of sex.

When my DH does not get the sex he is hoping for he is very moody. He will lay in bed next to me (usually I am reading) and after a while if I don’t pay him attention he will roll over, switch the lamp off and make a loud huffing sigh sound. Quite often after I have finished reading and lay down to go to sleep I hear him get up or look at his phone. I’ve asked him about this and he says he does it out of “frustration” and says he feels “pent up” I. have explained I have no problem with him relieving himself as often as he needs but I do have a problem with the passive aggressive huffing and the silent treatment the next day.

I feel like I am treading on eggshells. If I turn away from a kiss or shrug off his hugs (usually I am in the middle of 1001 other tasks) he also gets very moody with me.

Bumping

Yes, silent treatment is abuse. Also, sulking is hardly likely to make you want to jump his bones!

Before therapy, did you sometimes have sex you didn't want just to keep the peace?

The main thing for me that jumped out from your post is that you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You shouldn’t feel like that with your partner.

Mine does the sex strop too, and I’m not really interested either. Straight after he’s happy as Larry and charming then you can tell when it’s been a few days as he gets more grumpy and snappy and get past a week and he’s so uptight. I’m not sure he even knows he’s doing it

It's not on for him to sulk or give you silent treatment. Is there a reason why you aren't particularly into sex? For example, is he terrible in bed? Bad hygiene? No longer attractive? I'm wondering if there's anything he could do to make himself more appealing.

I'd have a conversation with him and discuss it. If there's nothing he can do then tell him that and let him decide if he accepts that. He doesn't have a right to sex and coerced sex is rape.

silent treatment is abuse

It can be as part of a wider pattern of behaviour.

It can also be someone with poor communication skills or emotional dysregulation.

Lots of people withdraw when upset. It doesn't automatically make them all abusers.

A tickbox approach to identifying abuse is unhelpful and dangerous. Rejecting someone by shrugging off their hugs is also on the tickbox approach, which would make the op an abuser if we were being that simplistic about it.

It does sound like op and her husband are mismatched and unhappy.

This sounds absolutely vile tbh.

You’re making excuses for him at the end. Men absolutely know what they’re doing.

I’m not sure he even knows he’s doing it

Oh, he knows. He's punishing you for not putting out.

Yes in the past.

Thanks for this. Have long suspected DH is autistic, could be part of the reason for the behaviour.

Yes

End of

My ex has (undiagnosed) autism. He also became an increasing sex pest over the years to the point where I’d tense up if he came near me as I was worried I’d get groped. He lost all sense of personal boundaries, literally would grab my breasts whenever he pleased. Unable to distinguish boundaries was probably due to autism, but being a sex pest who thinks they’re owed a woman’s body just because they’re horny is a disgusting man thing. Nothing to do with being ND.

Yes definite similarities here with the tenseness etc.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Playing devils advocate here. The thing that jumped out at me was this
‘ I like little bits of affection and probably sex once every two weeks or so? sometimes more sometimes less. DH likes constant cuddles, kisses and physical reassurance and he likes a lot of sex.’

I’m probably in your dh’s position in my relationship. Physical affection is really important to me and the way I feel loved. It doesn’t have to be sex, but without the closeness of cuddles and kisses I feel like my partners roommate rather than partner. My partners drive for that is often lower than mine and I do find that hard, but also realise we’re different and try to compromise. It does make me feel lonely at times though. Physical touch is my ultimate love language.

Have you discussed your different needs for physical proximity with one another and tried to figure out a middle ground where you will both feel happy and loved? Do you both feel confident and happy raising an issue? That the other person will listen to you and work with you on a resolution that meets both your needs?

Just to be clear, im not condoning his huffing and sulking. Thats very childish and not really fair. But if communication isnt easy (and i think its where a lot of couples struggle) then he might not feel like he can open up and ask for what he needs in a mature way. People who need a lot of physical affection and reassurance are often insecure in their own way (as are people pleasers).

Does he have therapy too? Would he be open to going with you?

I do think that if this was a woman posting you’d have more replies that you are allowed to desire love, affection and sex in a relationship. Not that one partner should EVER do something they dont want to. But maybe there is a middle ground for you both where you both get what you need?

Treating someone badly because they won't have sex is domestic abuse and a form of sexual coercion.

A lot of what you describe in his behaviour is rejection sensitivity. It is UTTERLY his issue to address, but if you love him and are otherwise happy in your relationship with no other red flags, it might be something you can encourage him to get some help to address?

Hmm this is a hard one. The sex issue aside, my husband is very affectionate and I'm naturally just not. However, we communicate really well on issues and over the years I remind myself of his needs for affection and try to meet him half way. His needs are just as important as my own. I can understand from my own DH how he could feel very rejected if his affection is being turned away.

Regarding the sex issue. I don't think he is abusing you, I think he's feeling massively rejected and dealing with it in an immature way. But certainly not abuse.

There are other issues. Division of household labour being one. History of physical abuse (over 5 years ago now)

In light if your most recent post then really you need to seriously consider getting your ducks in a row and leaving. Physical abuse is never ok. I know it is something that takes a lot of emotional strength to do, is there anything we can do to support you?

I don't think so. I almost think I needed the justification that his recent behaviour is also abusive to give me a bit of power to leave.

OP, you have had years of serious abuse.
Make no mistake about that.
Your marriage sound over.
Speak to Women's aid for advice and support.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Suppis so important.
Get organised.
Get legal advice.
We are here for you.

The only justification you need for leaving is that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him. If it were take in isolation I wouldn't say that his current behaviour was abusive. Given the history of physical abuse I think you need to see it as a signal that its way past time to leave.

He sounds a bit overbearing where you say he is trying to constantly cuddle you when you are doing other things. That would make me feel suffocated. He definitely sounds insecure rather than constantly horny tbh. Maybe have a chat about it to let him know how it is making you feel. It can't be nice for you and I'd imagine It's quite draining having someone demand constant physical attention.