@BeAzureNewt I have just come across your message and I’m sorry no one picked up on it. I can relate to you completely! Me and my ex husband separated Feb 2023 - his choice and of course it turned out there was someone else! I was stuck living there for a year before I finally moved out Feb this year. He didn’t behave well and lied very easily. We were together 18 years & married for 13 years. No children luckily.
I have continued to struggle dealing with and processing everything that happened. And yes I miss him. I shouldn’t but I do. As is usually the case, he has good qualities as well as bad ones and for several years we had a great relationship - he was the love of my life, no question. Like you, I was definitely gas lit at times, and in recent years he clearly had no respect for me.
From other posts on here that I have both read and participated in, I learnt that getting over a divorce is rarely an uphill journey. It will go up and then down again, you will feel strong and then you will feel sad. It IS normal. I have moments when I feel a bit more hopeful about the future, and then moments when I feel fear and panic about the future. Rightly or wrongly, I do miss what we once had. But of course that changed and sometimes I tell myself that I’m probably missing what was familiar, and missing that ‘person’ in my life.
You are very definitely not alone. If you haven’t already, I can highly recommend reading other similar posts on Mumsnet, there are HUGE numbers of them, and it makes you realise you are not alone in your varying emotions.
Best wishes to you 🙏