My DD doesn't want to stay at her dads

[idontknowwhattodooo]

Outing so name changed.

Split from DD's (8) dad 5 years ago. He's never been the most involved dad in the world so becoming a single parent wasn't really that different.

I have continued to encourage contact and we had settled into alternate weekends. DD is very attached to me though and over the last year or so she's not been wanting to go and stay at her dad's. When she's there she is apparently very quiet, keeps asking to come home, declines food. He just wants to bring her home because it's a bit difficult.

DD hasn't seen him for 6 weeks as he chose to book a holiday going away on 'his' weekend and coming back on 'his' weekend. There were no other weekends that he could/would have her. DD is due to go this coming weekend but is already saying she doesn't want to go. He's told her she can stay just one night if she wants or no nights at all without any discussion with me. He also says stuff like she has to go because I need a break. Whilst that may be true, I would never say that to her and I've asked him to stop as it makes her think I don't want her.

How the hell do I deal with this? I think it's important she has a relationship with him even if he is a wet blanket. Do I 'force' her to go?

Just so I'm not drip feeding, he was coercive and controlling towards me and I feel like this is just a continuation of the control.

Why on earth do you want your poor little daughter to spend time with a controlling and coercive man who doesn’t give a fuck about her? If you need a break (fair enough) can’t a friend or relative have her for a sleepover where at least she won’t be too miserable to eat.

He's not controlling towards her, just me. He says he gives a fuck and I don't doubt that he loves her, he just wants it to be all unicorns and flowers and have an easy life. Whereas there is bugger all easy when you're a parent.

I probably should have included in my original post that DD is probably ND but getting that diagnosis and support is a whole different battle. She has anger issues and is violent towards me. My mum is elderly, DD refuses to stay there. She will occasionally stay with my sister but she's busy and can't often help. So no, I don't have the option for DD to go elsewhere.

Has she said why she doesn't want to go?

You can't force him to have her so if he decides to change the contact then that's that unfortunately. Alternatively you can drop her off and just be out when he tries to return her but that puts her in an awful position but he can't force you to have her either once she's with him. But that is far from ideal for all involved.

Autistic DD doesn't like staying over and goes every Sunday instead of EOW. You may find her behaviour improves without too much chopping or changing

She says she misses me too much

Agree that her behaviour might be worse because she is angry/upset/insecure about having to go to her horrible dad’s house overnight against her will. She probably doesn’t like change and needs stability and predictability. You seem to represent safety to her. You can often access parenting classes for nd kids even without a diagnosis. Talk to your GP or the school. I’m not criticising your parenting by saying that but they can help with strategies for kids in meltdown etc.

She loves her dad, enjoys seeing him. Just doesn't want to stay the night.

I've had support and am much better at dealing with the meltdowns and heading them off before they escalate. She masks at his so he's not had to deal with any of it.