To wish I had been made to do chores

[confusedthirtysomething2]

As a child I was quick to speak, read, write, etc., but I was extremely forgetful, absent-minded, and messy/disorganised. My house was such a mess but my siblings and I were never asked to help with chores. My youngest sibling was born when I was a teenager and we had just moved house. My wider family thought nothing of telling my mum and I how lazy and immature I was whilst comparing me to similar aged cousins who had part-time cleaning jobs. My mum believed it was pointless for children/teenagers to do house chores and said she’d rather focus on my education. If I did attempt things, she’d nervously hover over me and make critical remarks to the point where I’d tell her to f**k off and go upstairs and cry (I was horrible!). Looking back, it was her anxiety about things being done a certain way, but I didn’t see it like that. She’d also rush to take over if I struggled with anything.

Anyway, to my parents’ horror, I dropped out of A Levels because I didn’t have the organisational/executive functioning skills to manage. I ended up getting a job where I was absolutely ridiculed for taking ages to make a bed, not knowing not to put metal in a microwave (we didn’t have a microwave at home because DM believed they were toxic), I couldn’t cook, etc. Other people my age knew how to do those things and called me all sorts. I’m very close to my mum and I don’t want to disrespect her, but she very much believed in following a child’s natural developmental pace and because I had never shown much interest in housework or cooking, she didn’t push it. I don’t think she believed in rewards either. Her attitude was that housework isn’t rocket science (true) and I’d learn as a grown-up.

As an adult, I still see myself as incompetent and regularly feel completely overwhelmed with every day tasks and demands. I keep my house clean and tidy but it takes a lot of spoons and if it starts to get messy, I see myself as a failure - as a result of being laughed at and called lazy. I don’t always like myself very much because I’m co-dependent on others and let them make decisions for me. If I struggle with something, I wait for someone else to take over, but it’s not who I want to be.

I’m only saying this because I’m part of a number of parenting/SEN groups (I have ADHD and my son is autistic) and I see a lot about low demand parenting and following a child’s natural developmental pace, but I’m not convinced.

AIBU to wish I had been given more responsibility and guidance because the “real world” was brutal and you can only change yourself, not how others treat or perceive you.

(I know this post comes across as very self-indulgent but I wanted to get it off my chest).

I have two ND children.

They were both made to do chores.

One dropped out of school in year 12 due to problems with executive functioning and anxiety.

She'd changed her bed and cleaned her room regularly. There was a dishwasher Rota which she was on and complied with.

Being made/supported to do chores doesn't fix executive functioning problems.

She now has an AuDHD diagnosis and is on meds. As an adult living independently she is shit at doing chores and never does them.

@Octavia64 Thank you for a different perspective :)

No I can't connected all the dots you are putting in, stop blaming your childhood and if you can't do something research how there is lots of information out there you are an adult now so own it

Yes, I was picking up on that you may have ADHD before you mentioned it. It's ADHD.

I am neurodivergent as are both my kids. Sometimes getting them to do chores is very overwhelming and I just don’t have the capacity to argue with them for so little gain. I think that you are being unfair to blame your mother.

They are also easily overwhelmed and I am trying to get them through school. The social interactions and executive function skills required for high school sometimes fills their cup. You say your A levels became too much. Maybe your mother was trying to keep some things off your plate.

There are resources out there so you can watch you tube videos and learn these skills now. It isn’t too late. I would also recommend getting an ADHD coach, listening to podcasts and such to build up your skills.

You can’t change the past but you can change the future. Parents try to make decisions based on the information available to them at the time. I am very sure that I am making mistakes with mine.

I agree to an extent. My DM wanted us to just have a lovely childhood but it was a bit of a shock in my first house share where I was useless. I am now super neat and tidy though still not to my DP standard in some things (nor is he to mine in others). I am at the moment just focused on getting DC to be responsible for themselves and plan to add in more chores as they grow up. Sometimes have made chores playful and as toddlers they loved this and always happy to help. However I do also like low demand parenting and would never have got my DC to school yesterday if I hadn't had focused on that as the one demand I wanted to stick with and everything else I had to let go of (including uniform - took it in a bag and they did want to change into when we got there)

yes OP, I do often regret that I wasn’t given regular chores as a child, learning routines. It certainly made life difficult living in shared accommodation when I left home. i still feel I wasn’t trained properly in some life skills.
And in professional circles I lagged way behind my peers in being proactive in work environments.

I think the main issue you describe is the ignorant, ill mannered responses of your 'friends'.

My dm didn't show me anything either. I went to university never having cooked a meal or cleaned a bathroom. But It's not difficult. 12 months in a bedsit meant I worked it out. At that point it became my responsibility.

Now I have a DS and a 4 bed house, and I know how to do most things. I've taught my DS to cook basic food - omelettes, pasta sauces, pizza etc. He knows how to clean a loo and light a wood burner. He knows basic DIY & first aid. How to check a tyre pressure & a tread depth. He knows far more than I did.

But he is also intelligent and has Google. He'll work things out just as we all have.

@Edingril thank you but I know how to clean, drive, cook, etc. I just think it should be taught in the safety of your home instead of in the real world.

I think that children should help out around the house but I'm not sure that you feel the way you do because you didn't do chores. Sounds like you've had some strong reactions to things so there's probably an underlying issue at play.

Lots of us were not brought up the way we feel we should have been. I certainly wasn't, in part because my parents both came from very deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds -- my mother (born 1946) had grown up, not with an outdoor toilet, but with no toilet. She never taught my sisters and me to wipe ourselves after urination, because she never had. Period and dental hygiene likewise lacking. Lots of other very basic things, too.

Ultimately, though, I need to accept my parents parented the only way they knew how. It was pitiably inadequate in many ways, but it was their best. Perhaps fortunately, they have no idea to this day just how inadequate that best was.

I agree with others that I think it's unlikely this all comes down to you not being taught how to do chores. You were supposedly concentrating on your schoolwork, but still dropped out of A levels, for instance. This is unlikely to have been rectified by you being taught bed-making.