Hosting family at Xmas

[MissAtomicBomb1]

I know it's early to be thinking about Xmas but the conversations have already started happening here!

FIL was widowed around 3 years ago. We've had FIL and BIL who is single, over to us the last few xmases.
SIL phoned a few weeks ago to ask what our plans were as she was thinking of booking to go out (which she does most years) but said she would be happy to host FIL & BIL if we wanted to spend Xmas with my family.
DH relayed this to me slightly differently:she was thinking of going out, what were we doing?
I told him it was quite early to be making plans so I hadn't spoken to my family but if she was going out then, yes we'd have FIL & BIL.

Fast forward to yesterday & my brother messaged to ask us over to them. FIL & BIL also invited, however my brother's house is tiny. This wouldn't really work if I'm honest. It will already be a massive squeeze with 9 people. I also know that FIL & BIL won't want to come, though I will of course ask them.

DH is saying IABU for wanting to go as he's already told FIL & BIL they can come to ours. He says it will make things awkward for him.
For context, I've cooked at ours for the last 15 years, however FIL is in his 80s and has health issues so I can see why DH wants to spend the day with him.

I suppose this is a more of a WWYD than an AIBU!

If you want to go to your brothers, then go! Especially if the invite is open to BIL and FIL as well - if they decide they don't want to go then that's their choice.

Lots of families spend Christmas squeezed in!

I'd call your SIL and ask if she's booked her lunch yet. If she hasn't ask if she could have your FIL. If she has, I agree with your DH, you can't rescind the offer now.

Speaking with SIL is probably not a bad idea. Maybe she would like to have Christmas with her Dad too.

Because I sort of agree with DH you can't withdraw the offer or change the offer.

It takes a good few Christmases to get used to the new normal after a bereavement.

Yes I think I will speak to SIL, though I don't think they'll want to go out even if she says yes. They seem to like coming to ours! They are a family who get very entrenched in routines and always doing the same thing.
I feel as though I've been backed into a corner a bit, especially as it's only September!
I think I will have to put my foot down very early on next year!.

I think after Christmas you and SIL need to have a chat about alternate Christmas arrangements.
Then you know where you stand and FIL knows where he's at too.

Yes, the difficulty is that she doesn't ever host which is fair enough and FIL won't want to go out. I guess though that will just have to be his choice

SIL phoned a few weeks ago to ask what our plans were as she was thinking of booking to go out (which she does most years) but said she would be happy to host FIL & BIL if we wanted to spend Xmas with my family.

You say she never hosts yet here she is offering to host FIL and BIL, which I'm guessing is partly to take the pressure off you and DH recognising its not really fair for you to alway host them.

Your DH dropped the ball when he said you'd host.
Habit, whatever was going through DHs head, you DH and SIL need to talk about alternating so you don't always have to spend Christmas with his family.

I totally get the issue, I'm in similar boat, widowed mum, and sibling. I'd never leave them on their own. Those hole become massive at Christmas.

Has your DH been purposely a bit sneaky in how he presented SIL’s offer? You say FIL is entrenched in his routine but maybe your DH is too?

In your situation my next steps would be influenced by the answers to the questions above.

If you've told someone they can come, that's awkward to now tell them they can't. Just invite them too and say you've had an offer to go elsewhere and as you've done it for years you want to take the offer, with them invited too.

I suspect so, although he's denying it
When I saw SIL she definitely relayed a different slant to the conversation which is why I'm feeling a bit annoyed. I feel as though I was pressured into agreeing back in August.

Are DH and your SiL siblings? Not that it makes much of a difference to what I am about to say.

Is it remotely possibly that your widowed FiL finds it tricky to spend the day with you because he has happy memories of being there with his wife and/or the son with his Mum?

Just a thought.

Yes they are siblings but until MIL passed away a few years ago he didn't ever come to us. BIL, FIL & MIL had Xmas at their house. No one else was invited.
He's more than happy to come to us but wouldn't want to eat out with SIL or go to my brother's house.

I’d ask DH to phone his sister (I’m assuming it’s his sister, apologies if that’s wrong) and say, sorry about mix up, but actually if she could host FIL and BIL that would be great as you’ve now been invited to spend Christmas with your family, which you’d like to take up. And I’d be around when he made the call to make sure he doesn’t pitch it in a different way. And if she will host them, he should get the single BIL on board and to help persuade the FIL it’s a good idea.

it’s really difficult with bereaved older relatives - we have it both sides of our family, and you can’t please everyone every year. I understand if DH deep down, wants to spend what could be the final Christmas’ with his dad, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get a break every now and then. We spent several consecutive Christmas’ with DH’s family ‘in case it was the last chance’ (willingly on my part, I was completely on board) then one of my parents died suddenly. So my DC didn’t ever really get to spend Christmas with both of my parents. That’s a real regret for me.

I think I'd let it go this year but conversation about alternative years ASAP.

BLOODY CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!!! I enjoy the festive period generally, its winter, lots of sparkly lights, the two Ronnie's, complaining how I’m never going to buy tins of quality street or roses as they are shit now, but it’s so entrenched in my psyche as something we’ve always done I fall for it every year, but that one day causes so many issues for all of us!

Last weekend we went for lunch with father in law, and completely out of the blue he sprung it on us “will you come to mine Christmas Day?”, then we are left stuttering, partner was shocked, said we have to see what everyone is doing. I won’t bore you with every detail if I can avoid it, but like many of you, organising that one day is like a giant game of chess, with all your relatives faces on the pieces looking dough eyed or offended at you!

So at 19 I moved away from my parents, met my partner at 20, from that point on it’s been a merry go round of trying not to offend various people, the early days were easy, me and partner were still young, just went to each parent, his are divorced so a bit of an extra issue there, but with his four other siblings getting partners, many sets of divorced parents, all their other siblings, my widowed father and me in the other corner, it’s just 🤯

We had a routine, now this request has changed that. It’s been about 3 years now where I really have started to despise Christmas Day, jus want it to fuck off, I’m done, but for some reason, like most, like a stalker in the night, this one day will never leave us alone, EVER!