Does anyone have a co parenting situation like this and if so do you think it’s sustainable?

[greentte]

We have a 2.5 year old. Our relationship ended horrendously badly. No cheating and neither of us are in a new relationship but it was not a good end (no violence). I am explaining this as there’s just no way we will be a couple again.

By some magic we have managed to have a situation where we can be around each other. We are civil and friendly. We will take ds for days out and ex will play with him while I do housework or take him for a walk etc. we will sit in cafes and feed him, take him to get new shoes. I guess all the usual stuff that kids like to do with both parents.

I do not this ex has thoughts of being a couple. I think he is content we are friendly as am I. There is care there though, we will
sometimes hug goodbye for instance.

I panic at times and wonder is this actually good for ds? One day will this fall apart? Or will he wonder why we do these things but we are not a couple? Or perhaps I am worrying too much? I just don’t know.

Does anyone else have this sort of set up? Is it workable for the future?

Honestly I don't think it's workable.

One day either you, or him, will get a new partner and these family outings will change or stop, and your child may well blame the new person.

It's really healthy for your child to see you get on and be able to chat and be in each others company, maybe not so much to act like a couple/family imo.

Well done on managing to sustain a good and civil relationship after such a turbulent time though, that's absolutely not an easy thing to do at all.

It can be workable. My exH and I split over 10 years ago now and it was horrendous at the time, he was unfaithful as well as a gambling addict so a lot of shit went on.

We are now the best of friends. We still both drive each other mad at times but we are very close for the sake of DD12 and we spend a lot of time as a 3 travelling around the country for various competitions (DD rides horses) both of us would sooner DIE than get back together, frankly the thought makes me feel ill. But it works brilliantly for DD.

ExH is single and has been for a long time, I'm in an unhappy (dare I say it, abusive) relationship but haven't yet found the strength to call it quits. My partner doesn't like the friendship with exH but I did make it clear when we got together that we were on excellent terms. If I was ever to meet someone new, it would be a deal breaker if they couldn't accept our friendship and I know exH would say the same.

If it's working for you, go for it and just be up front with any future partner (though tbf exH doesn't come round my house except to drop off or pick up, but DD is much older than your child so naturally "care" is different)

Is this occasional, or is this most of the time your ex spends with DC? I think that makes a difference.

I think it's nice as an occasional thing - DP sometimes does this with DSC's mum. But it would be a bit weird if it was say multiple times a week and was cutting into DP's time alone with DC.

My husband and I split up after 22 years together. 3 kids. They were 15 9 and 5 at the time. It was awful for many years tbh...worse when he started seeing an absolute cow who would not even entertain my kids. I had and still have a new partner. When the cow cheated on exH he changed back to a nice kind of guy and a better dad. He used to pop in and see the kids. We still went out for meals (me and him and kids) on their birthdays. He popped in Christmas morning. The youngest and I helped him buy a caravan. I bought him his Christmas tree. I took his deliveries as he worked away from our city. It really was completely over and my new partner knew that...no threat whatsoever. Kids were happier.. I overseen payment for his decking on his caravan...and he died accidentally before it was even finished. Such a strange time in my life...in the kids lives. That was 3 years ago. I'm glad we made peace and got along and so were the kids. Things will almost definitely change when new partners enter your lives though.

Sounds similar to how my setup was when dc was small. As time passed we spent less time both with dc but that felt quite natural and organic. I hope you both manage to continue in this co-operative and friendly way.

My dh's parents had a very acrimonious divorce (think affair and custody battle). They managed to get to the point where they could spend Christmas and other important events together - dh's father & his mum, dh's mother, her new husband and her father. They all came to our wedding and all parents and step parents played a role and sat on the top table.

It is possible to get to amicable co parenting. You do need to set boundaries and discuss how you want it to be.

ExDH and I split reasonably amicably and have stayed that way for 7 years. We help each other out, swap days if necessary and the like. Last year on his birthday we went out with DD for dinner. He’s had a couple of disastrous relationships and I’ve chosen to stay single.

It’s perfectly possible to stay this way if the will is there and no one starts using the children as bargaining chips.

Not necessarily true at all. My friend has a great coparenting relationship with her ex. He has a long term girlfriend and they often do stuff all together. The girlfriend doesn't have kids of her own though which probably makes life easier.

Its a good thing, keep it up! Your son will realise that you and ex are no longer a couple but that the 3 of you are a family and both still love him. Ideal scenario in my opinion.

No necessarily true. I have a couple of friends who have maintained being friendly with a new partner. I’ve seen new partner and parents travel together to see their son compete in a sport. Another friend is now good friends with her partners ex, and the two of them often go out with the child (even without him).

it really depends on the adults involved.

Does he get time alone with him too? As long as the bulk of their time together is just the two of them, then I don’t think days or meals out are in any way detrimental. It’s showing him that adults can be civil and cordial to each other and modelling healthy behaviour.

My parents definitely had what I would describe as a not very amicable divorce. We still did days or meals out together as a family. Or have Christmas dinner together, sometimes with other family (for example, they’d both go to my maternal grandparents for Christmas or my aunt on my dad’s side for Easter lunch). When my dad got a new partner (she was lovely btw, 30+ years later I still keep in touch with her), she’d join us for a day out or for Christmas. We even did a few holidays altogether. It actually felt like a really nice stable set up.

My parents definitely never, ever harboured any interest in getting back together and I definitely never, ever hoped they would. But it made for a nice, amicable childhood for me. Looking back now, I can appreciate how hard it must have been, but I think in the circumstances, they did the right thing.

The break up must be relatively recent surely, DS is still so young I think it's probably too early to tell.

Sure, it works for some people but normally after they've had some time apart. I think you'll find out if it works when new partners and additional children are in the mix if either of you decide to do that and/or once DS time becomes more in demand when he starts school and only has a few hours in the evening / extra curricular / birthday parties most weekends

Personally I don't think it's great to be so intertwined, civil at sports events, parents evenings, even birthday parties ofcourse, but days out and shopping trips are I think, likely to lead to confusion for DS as he gets older.

My partner and his ex have been co-parenting like that for 13 years. I think it's lovely

It sounds great, I don't think it's confusing you just have to explain how you're friends and that's different from being partners. No child is confused or hurt seeing their parents being kind and polite together or helping each other. We shouldn't normalise acrimonious relationships and drama, or even cold distant relationships over positive ones. My parents were divorced, we didn't do loads together but it was a good thing