To think I'm a bad friend for not wanting to go

[Mamabear04]

So basically my friends DH passed away very suddenly and very unexpectedly last year. It was a really horrible shock and I was very much there for her in the first instance with food and childcare etc. She has been so strong throughout it (I don't know how I would have got through this) but I have noticed over the past few months she seems to be distancing herself from me. I don't think its on purpose, she's obviously just trying to get on with her life as best she can and I don't hold it against her. It's just things like she posts loads on social media but never likes anything I post (it's not family oriented as I don't like to post personal stuff online), she will take weeks to reply to my texts but will reply to group WhatsApp chats that we're both on etc. I don't quite know what's going on here tbh. Anyway she messaged me out of the blue to say that she's having friends over the morning of my birthday as a sort of remembrance thing for her DH and the kids can play and we can all eat cake (anniversary of his death) I get it and it's a nice things to do but I honestly don't want to go. It's not even about her being distant, I get why she might be like that and that's OK. I just don't want to have to go over the death again with my DC, I don't want to cause them stress or bring up that stress again for them and I don't want my birthday to be forever spent in mourning. I know that's absolutely terrible to say. I have had 3 friends die in the past 2 years (all under 40 years and not even including my friends DH) and I feel utterly spent emotionally. I just want to have a break from sadness. Just to be clear, I know that what I'm saying is an absolute luxury, that my friend can't just ignore the anniversary of her DH death and I probably will go to the event and stop being so selfish. Is it unreasonable to feel this way? Am I an absolute asshole?

If It's not even about her being distant then why go into that great long screed about how she’s been distant and not Liked you on social media? Go.

Yeah I get your point. It's not so much about social media and more that she is being present and interacting with other people but not me. I guess maybe now you've highlighted it, I feel a bit put out by being sidelined recently unless its an emergency and she needs something.

I think you are a bit of an asshole tbh. Your friends' whole world has caved in and she's doing her best. Her withdrawing is part of her grief. People are always "there" in the first instance for a death but slip back to their own lives ... she's likely not wanted to bother you with her grief or maybe sees you and your family unit and finds it hard.

I don't think it's bad if you don't want to go to her house on your birthday - just say sorry that you already have plans but maybe offer to meet her for coffee another day or something?

Yeah I get that but I also always make it clear that I'm free whenever she wants to hang out and she never gets in touch. She seems happy to hang out with other friends with a family unit

I would go.

If you really can’t face it I would explain you have pre-arranged plans but say thank you so much for including me and it sounds like a lovely way to remember him. Then I’d send flowers if appropriate and suggest a coffee meeting up or lunch another day.

Er, why should she go? She’s being ignored.

OP, I would not go, just say you already have plans.

I am in your friend’s position although many years further down the road, and I struggle to find sympathy for someone feeling sidelined by a friend who is still in the first couple of years of grief after losing a husband. You have absolutely no idea of what she’s going through and in many ways, the time she’s in now is significantly harder than the initial aftermath. This is when she really needs her friends.

If she’s your friend, then you need to go. Whether you want to or not is irrelevant, only a really shit friend wouldn’t show up for something like this if it was in their control.

She might be being a crap friend to you just now, but please don’t judge her as a person or a friend based on how she’s behaved in her first year as a widow.

Look, if she relied heavily on you for support, it’s pretty usual to withdraw from that relationship when starting to recover. It can be difficult for the ‘helper’, but it’s very understandable for the person to not want to be reminded of just how low they were by concentrating on friendships that weathered less of it. I was there for a friend when he was mourning the end of his marriage, and he drew away completely afterwards. He’d told me far too much. When he was starting to date again he didn’t want a reminder of crying in his kitchen. I won’t say it didn’t sting a bit, but it’s not unusual. Someone I know found a friend of hers who had attempted suicide, revived her, and kept her conscious till the ambulance got there. She never spoke to her again after she got out of hospital.

Do what you want on your birthday. You don’t have to try to woo her back from her self-distancing. Just tell her you have birthday plans but will be thinking of her, and see if she’d like to catch up another time?

My feeling is that, if you don't go, your friendship will be well and trully shot. She won't forget that you weren't there for this anniversary. If you go, you would be taking the chance to try to get the friendship back on track; and, if it doesn't happen, you will hold the high moral ground.

You might think the friendship is shot by now and you can't be bothered any more. But it has only been a year. One other thing to consider how any mutual friends you have might view your not turning up to this event - they might think you should make the effort and cool on you if you don't.

I wouldn't go.

Your friend is clearly not so devasted that she has withdrawn from other friends.

This is rubbish, do you know much about grief? It’s very common to push those people who the grieving person is closest to away, because they are the ones who know most about the person who has died or as a “test”.

Honestly OP it does sound as though you’re miffed that you’ve been sidelined and don’t want to feel like you can be picked up and put down just when she feels like it but don’t take it personally and make some allowances- sounds like she’s really suffered. If you don’t have other plans I would go, even just for half an hour. You can leave the kids at home if that’s the issue. If you genuinely do have other plans or can’t face it I agree that making excuses on the day of your birthday is fine but arranging to meet another time/ sending flowers.

It's one morning on the 1st anniversary, hardly likely to be an annual occurrence so unlikely to ruin your birthday forever. Your excuses are all pretty feeble. If you don't want to go then just own it.

Yes, this. Sidelining friends who’ve seen you at your lowest is not one of the pretty aspects of grief, but grief often isn’t pretty.

I'd pop over and have a cuppa & slice of cake, I wouldn't take the kids.

Me too x

I think that YANBU regarding the birthday issue. You have supported your friend a lot and have not let her down in her hour of need. It is not unreasonable to want to be able to celebrate your birthday on your actual birthday and have the day be celebrating that with your own family.

I think if it were me, I would simply say that sadly, you cannot make it because your family have arranged something for your birthday and therefore you are unable to go but I would offer to make an alternative date to take her out for coffee and cake to mark the anniversary and/or send flowers. That is absolutely not unreasonable.

The social media thing I wouldnt worry about at all- it's not important in the scheme of things and I would let that go. I would make the effort to keep in touch and leave the ball in her court - if she doesnt reply or distances herself then that really is her choice and you cant force her to respond to you. As long as you have tried then that is the best that you can do and if the friendship does slip away at least you know in your heart you did make the effort to keep in touch and it was her choice to fade it.

I’d just say that I was sorry but had birthday plans. That is not how I would like to spend my birthday ! And would catch up another time

Don’t go if you don’t want to, that’s not unreasonable but be prepared that the friendship may not survive it. Think about what you want and if you’re ok with that. If yes don’t go and see what happens. If no, pop in for an hour without your kids.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your responses. I am planning on going along anyway despite my feelings but I think I'll leave my kids at home. This has been really helpful to understand a bit of why my friend has been distant so thank you to everyone who gave an insight into the grieving process and thank you to everyone who said I wasn't being unreasonable for feeling the way I did.