To ask the difference between ADHD and motherhood?

[Supercalifragile]

*disorganised motherhood (not motherhood in general!)

Absolutely genuine question - I’ve never been tidy, but I have been more focused in my life eg studying for exams, university, early working life. However I’ve always been a last minute crammer too. But since becoming a mother - oh my god! Self employed, live-in at my job, so here 24/7. Partner works full-time. 2 DC, 7 and 8 months. And I’m fire-fighting the whole time. So many jobs to do and I can’t focus on anything, 5 minutes of this, get distracted by that, don’t complete either. I’ve always assumed it’s just me being completely disorganised, and if I can just do this, just buy that etc my life will be easier, but I never get there.

I was talking to a colleague about the FB post that often appears regarding motherhood, I think it starts “I went to do the laundry, but needed some scissors so went to the drawer, where I found something else” and so on. He said to me that the same/similar posts appear on ADHD sites as well.

Then today the picture below appeared on my FB feed from an ADHD site (which I don’t follow) and summed up exactly how I feel.

So, not wanting to waste anyone’s time, or minimise anyone with an actual diagnosis how do I know the difference between being a disorganised mother with too much to do and whether I have something that could be helped with medication?

Surely the issue is that you have no childcare and are trying to work at your live-in, self-employed job with a young child and a baby?

I think it's natural to struggle juggling being a mother with so many other things, it doesn't mean you have adhd. I do and I struggled from teen hood throughout pretty much all aspects of my life, even with medication. I do feel sometimes people think being disorganised now automatically means adhd or feeling burnt out, when you look at how much we have to do every day its no wonder a lot of us struggle!

Looking back over my school life / uni life, I believe I've always had ADHD - however, pre-children, I was able to "get by" more easily, i.e. the wheels didn't fall off (although to be honest, my degree was a bit of a disaster and I only passed by the skin of my teeth).
At work, I was always the 100% reliable, so organised, attention to detail person (which was the result of a lot of hyperfocus and many many hours working late).

After having children, 1) I don't have the time to spend hours into the evening getting my work to 100% perfection, and 2) there is SO MUCH extraneous noise in my head from the challenges of trying to keep two children on track (one of whom is AuDHD) and the house in some semblance of order (which it never is), that I feel like I'm fighting fires all the time, I'm a complete failure at everything, and I am exhausted.

So, IMO, it is just that motherhood makes it harder to cope/manage, but doesn't change the underlying ADHD (nor not)

I think the difference for me would be that it was 'there' before. I've always struggled to focus, complete tasks, keep on top of everything. But I had plenty of down time so I got by. Now with two DC (both ND) I often feel like I'm drowning.

Some people find that certain life events (menopause seems to be one) shows that they have the neurodivergence and it was just always undiagnosed.

ADHD doesn’t come on in motherhood. An assessor will want to see evidence going back to early childhood. So have the signs always been there or are you just going through a busy and possibly overwhelming period in your life?

First reply nails it as usual.

If you were ok prior to becoming a mother, then you probably don't have a neurodisibility. The difficulties would be pervasive through your life.

ADHD is much bigger than tidying and organisation skills. They’re very visible signs but it’s a much broader set of behaviours/symptoms that come from hyperactivity, impulsiveness, poor attention/hyper focus emotional dysregulation.

I have ADHD and it impacts on every area of my life; my mental health, relationships, money, diet, sleep, work, etc.

The other really important thing is signs must be present in childhood for there to be a diagnosis. When I was assessed, they looked at all my school reports - lots of comments about not concentrating, disruptive behaviour, lack of self control, restlessness, etc.

Yes, you’re probably right! I consider myself to be very capable and I think I should be managing better than I am.

Thank you for your detailed response. What you write about after having children is exactly how I feel. I have acquaintances who have been diagnosed in later life and wish they’d known earlier. I think that’s just what was on my mind.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

this is all true and by no means do i want to invalidate anything said in a great post, just to add that much ADHD research is still based on research done in men (for all the reasons we know about the female experience being traditionally underreported/examined/captured). More research being done in recent years is suggesting that these indicators can and often do manifest slightly differently in females, in part due to the societal differences in expectations between genders.

I don’t know that I explained that super well, but just wanted to highlight that, whilst these signs can of course be present in young girls and women, an absence of them should not rule out the condition being present either! I was diagnosed pretty late due to not presenting in terms of more of these ‘commonly accepted’ indicators.

This! How can you possibly be working with 2 kids there? You need some childcare. I think your post is a little disingenuous to people with diagnosed ADHD which has a far greater effect on their lives than being messy.

If you were ok prior to becoming a mother, then you probably don't have a neurodisibility. The difficulties would be pervasive through your life.

This was the case for me right up until someone told me what adhd is and i realized there might be a reason i found things harder than other people. I had no idea there were other people out there like me and that there was a name for it. I just thought i was defective.

The reason why so many women are late diagnosed is a) women usually present differently to men and diagnostic criteria is based on hyperactive little boys and b) it becomes much, much more apparent when you pile on more and more pressure, it's harder to stay regulated and so all your coping mechanisms that you have carefully built over the years - possibly without even realizing what you're doing - go to shit when you have a kid.

I got diagnosed at 38. Suddenly my life made sense and nearly 2 years on, i understand my needs and myself and I'm so much happier.

Adhd does have to feature in childhood for the diagnosis but it doesn't just have to look like disruptive behavior and outward hyperactivity. I technically have ADD with some hyperactivity - my diagnosis is combined ADHD. For me some of the markers were was poor retention of information, no matter how much i revised i couldn't remember anything, dyscalculia made me terrible at maths, disorganization, having to develop complex systems for myself to remember to do homework on time which was always at the last minute, difficulty socializing, compulsive behaviors (stimming/doodling/fidgeting) zoning out, being incredibly oversensitive emotionally (i have RSD as well) and i am a huuuge people pleaser. I masked like a pro, so all the teachers and my peers saw was the slightly weird quiet girl in the corner. Nobody around me appeared to notice i was struggling to concentrate and retain information - i was able to do just enough to fly under the radar.

It's not disingenuous if she's looked at the thing that's currently most impacting her life and wondering if that's a symptom.

It's taken me 2 years to fully unravel all the ways that adhd affects my life. It couldn't have started without me being prompted into first finding out what adhd is. I also couldn't have told you on day one about all the less obvious ways that it affects me. Being messy and feeling unable to cope with daily life was one of my most significant symptoms to begin with.

Nobody here can diagnose you but it costs nothing for you to look online and see if any of it resonates op. Getting diagnosed changed my entire life for the better, so id never encourage anyone to think they're being disingenuous or offensive to other people with adhd for identifying her main potential symptom and reading more into it.

If you're not, then maybe it's just the case that you have too much on your plate. You haven't lost anything by exploring the possibility . At the very least, after reading up about it you will know more about ADHD and how can that be a bad thing?

I completely agree op. I will be absolutely flamed but I'm going to say it..I think this new idea that millions of women are undiagnosed is basically a ploy by pharma and other companies that have an interest in diagnosis and medications. I know I could get a diagnosis tomorrow. I've been told by several people who are diagnosed themselves that they think I have ADHD and I fit every criteria that I've seen online, read about on MN, and discussed with friends IRL who have gone through diagnosis. The problem is so does basically every other woman I know! And that's no exaggeration. And like all these other women it's been absolutely compounded by motherhood, and to an extent modern life in general. I think our attention spans have been massively impacted by smart phone use. Motherhood sends you all over the place mentally and then once you've got over that you hit peri, so it's not surprising to me that so many middle aged women are seeking diagnosis. I think once you start from the start point that you think you've got ADHD it's also very easy to look back over your life and 'fit' childhood behaviour and experience into that pattern. So when people say it's not ADHD unless you had it in childhood it's not really a useful marker as anyone could make it fit..for example I was a good quiet student in school but often on my reports it would say I was easily distracted. I was incredibly socially anxious, bla bla bla. Do I think it's really possible that this number of people and particularly women have undiagnosed ADHD, which let's not forget is a life long disability, not a mental health condition? No.

Experiencing the symptoms of ADHD isn’t enough to get you a diagnosis.

Amongst other things, you must show that you have suffered the symptoms and their effects have been with you your whole life. You also have to show that these symptoms have a detrimental impact on several areas is your life (and importantly, that this impact is greater than would be expected for your age/peer group). Other factors that can cause the same symptom must be ruled out e.g sleep deprivation /stress/epilepsy/drug use or bipolar.

I don’t deny that the average experience of motherhood and the assorted pressures cause people to temporarily exhibit ADHD like symptoms but (hopefully) for people without an underlying disorder, these symptoms and their impact will simply disappear once the external pressures are removed.

Now imagine what it’s like to struggle with focus, time management and executive function issues already (as those with ADHD do) and then have to cope with the extra demands of motherhood 😅 Though for me, motherhood actually led to improvements in my coping skills. The initial overwhelm and lack of coping led me to hit rock bottom, recognise the source of my issues and get the appropriate diagnosis, help and advice I needed to manage myself.

Thats another point actually, people with ADHD respond to different interventions than people without ADHD. There are differences in the way in which motivation works, time is visualised and managed and focus is managed (particularly the removal of any ‘hyperactivity’ symptoms) that affects what will actually work to help you manage. It’s one of the reasons that just ‘trying harder’ doesn’t snap people out of ADHD, it’s about working differently.

OP, due to my short attention span I actually only read your first paragraph before jumping in with a response (those pesky impulses!).

Now I’ve gone back and had a proper look at what you’re saying I would like to add that you might consider whether you do in fact have ADHD and the stresses of motherhood are actually exacerbating your underlying issues. Possibly you could try looking up some ADHD focussed time management/motivational/organisational strategies and find if they work for you?

Most people find it hard.

This. 👍

OP dont worry about this. Im very very skeptical of this whole need to label absolutely every personality trait as an illness trend.
I know ADHD does exist, but that doesnt mean everyone who has moments where they have trouble concentrating or get a bit scatterbrained must have ADHD. I think at this rate EVERYONE has ADHD

Not what you asked, and I don't think I have ADHD, but an anti anxiety antidepressant (sertraline) helped me to cope when I was drowning in all the "being a mum" thing.

If you feel you can't ever switch off it might be worth talking to your GP. It doesn't have to be ADHD to be something you might be able to get help with.

Thank you all so much for your help and advice. I’ve taken a couple of online assessments, and I’ve also started looking at childcare for my baby at 9 months.

That's great op!

I was late diagnosed autistic and dyslexic (and I suspect ADHD). It wasn't until motherhood and it's extra demands that the wheels fell off (and I sought diagnosis).

I tried to use very broad terms/qualities to group behaviours when talking generally but maybe I didn’t get that quite right.

I was only diagnosed in my early 30s, so late like you, because I learnt to hide and channel my ADHD behaviours in ways that are acceptable as a woman. The hyperactivity that made me restless at school also means I have endless energy for new projects and challenges at work, etc.