Being scared of potential feelings?

[CleverOpalPanda]

I have been going on dates for a few months now and been talking to different people without much success and I tell people that I am looking for a genuine connection or so I thought.
Last night I went on a date and I actually clicked with the guy ,we share same interests but it's not the usual type I go.
I have been told to maybe be open minded and deviate from my usual type as I haven't had great success with those types of guys.
I was only on one date with this guy but he seemed special and not in a charming way , however this is where the problem is ,even though date felt good with him I feel very scared of the possibility of this becoming something real in the future.

From one side I want to tell him that I had a good time but wish him all the best and on the other I am curious but scared at same time to get to know him in case I develop feelings.

I feel very unreasonable and this has never happened to me before.
Basically I feel scared cause I liked him differently than anyone else I have met but I want to chill cause I also don't know him well either.

Just keep it light and arrange another date. Why try to predict the future?

Also, out of interest, how does this guy differ from your usual type?

What are you scared of?

I think you need to stop thinking what it could be and live in that hope and instead of just concentrate on day by day getting to know him. Whatever it leads to it leads to with time.

@Ablondiebutagoody
That's the thing I am scared for another date in case I like him even more.
I was lied to and gotten hurt a few months ago by someone that i developed feelings and it's like I can't be open to feelings again.
This guy is much better than anyone i ever met ,he is multi talented ,seems smart and sweet but doesn't look like the alpha male i usually go for.
I am admitting that I might be a bit superficial and it's like I am upset that even though connection is there an alpha male is what makes me feel secure as a woman.

What does ‘special but not in a charming way’ mean? Insulting? Ate from a dog bowl on the floor? Wore head to toe purple?

You can be alpha and a provider without being overtly masculine. Sometimes it is the overtly masculine male that is the most fragile.

If you don't risk your feelings you'll never know. Take it slow. If he's a man worth keeping, he will respect you and it'll be great.

@Rerrin
Sorry not explained properly ,special as in as a person and not because he was flirting or trying to charm the same way a narcissist would (dated one before )

You met him once. You really need to take a breath about it all. No one develops irrevocable feelings on a first date.

What does feeling 'secure as a woman ' mean?

Do you have very traditional views of gender roles?

@poppyzbrite4
Yes I have traditional views and the more traditional the man is the more attraction I feel and I guess I am putting too much pressure on myself for smth that may or may not be

Aha.. I suspected it was something like that.
Well, if dating Andrew Tate-like a-hole is what is making you feel secure, I suppose you can't help that. Even though people like that messed you in the past. That's ok, you can leave kind and interesting but average-looking guys to us. We won't complain.
Seriously, OP, a man is not a designer accessory. He doesn't need to turn heads. A kind man is what you want in a long-lasting relationship. Having said that, if you are not ready then you are not ready. Best to tell him now and put him out of his misery.

I’d stop dating and have a lot of therapy.

The problem is OP, 'traditional' men tend to be controlling and sexist.

You are obviously out of your comfort zone as someone is treating you with respect, I'm guessing. It can be difficult to get used to being treated well if you're not used to it but I encourage you to bite the bullet and see where it goes.

@Catza
Not alpha male as Andrew Tate role models but I grew up in very traditional gender roles and many years ago I actually dated someone that was not very masculine ,I ended up taking that role which made me miserable in the long run.
Of course I don't know this guy enough to fully know what kind of man he is but I am just scared and I even think I might need to stop dating and go to therapy.

I think you need to rethink all your entrenched and reactionary ideas about ‘masculinity’.

When you say you dated someone who ‘wasnt very masculine’, what exactly do you mean? Do you, for instance, mean he treated you like an equal and equally competent fellow human being, not some fragile, submissive princess?

You want a connection, you've found someone who could possibly have a good connection with but you're scared of getting hurt and you're kinda weirded out by the fact that he's not your normal type?

1. Give your head a wobble, this could be great if you let it.
2. Everyone's been hurt but that shouldn't make you scared to move on.
3. Considering you're still single, your normal type isn't doing you many favours!!

Go for it!

@Rerrin
No not like that it was the little things he used to do for example letting me get out of the car at the side of the highway to fix a problem while he stayed inside and just to clarify no problem for a women fixing a car but he had to at least come out with me ,we are not fragile but in our nature we like to feel protected ,at least I do.
This is a small and seemingly small thing but it used to happen a lot.
Not saying this guy is like this i don't know him well but for example the date ended at midnight and he didn't walk me to my car which Is not major but would have been nice.

Well, let me ask you thins, would you be happy living with someone with this traditional mindset? Would you be happy to cook and clean and pick dirty socks off the floor and singlehandedly bring up your children while your masculine husband comes back from work, sits on a sofa with a glass of whiskey and reads his paper while demanding total silence from all other household members because he needs to unwind after work? Would you be happy to ask him for money because you are not allowed to work? Would you be happy to ask for his permission to see your friends or your parents? Because this, my friend, is what a traditional set up was.
And if you want all that, then put a ribbon in your hair and go for it. Wouldn't be my choice, personally.

But the car repair situation doesn’t sound ‘unmasculine’, it just sounds lazy or thoughtless (unless there was a reason someone had to stay at the wheel to try to start the engine or something?). And I think you’re looking in the wrong place for ‘protection’ — you’re more likely to be at risk from a a man you’ve literally just met walking you to your car than from a passing male attacker, unless your car is parked in downtown Mogadishu.