Talk sense into me - friendship

[crochetmonkey74]

Long term friend has really put me at an arms length. I think it's menopause, I genuinely haven't done anything. However I'm terrible at being triggered by emotionally unavailable people. The more someone pulls away , the more I need to prove I'm worthy to win them back. How do I coach myself in my head to let her pull away without feeling the need to prove I'm worthy. She's very passive aggressive and won't be able to take a talk and tbh, I think that still plays into my old patterns. What do you guys tell yourselves in this situation?

I would remind myself that interactions ebb and flow and some distance for a while doesn’t always mean anything
I can seem unavailable sometimes - and I am in a sense, but cause Im coping with life rather than needing distance from a particular person
I also find meditations related to loving kindness (to yourself and others/her) can sometimes settle the heart a bit! (Sorry if that sounds cheesy)

Thank you. That does help! I am smarting from feeling very dumped by someone who has previously been very close to me. It's definitely triggering old pains in me. I need to be more resilient but I am finding it very upsetting

How long has she kept you at a distance?

I would say about 6- 8 months

Is she OK? Got anything awful going on in her life that's stressful? That would be my first thought for a friend, not 'what about me!'

I've been through all this with her. I didn't leap to the 'what about me' thing.
She says all is well, it's clear she is a little down, but even gentle chat about that from me or her sister will make her bristle. I haven't put into this post the 6-8 month journey we have been on, but it hasn't been simply me deciding its all about me!
This post was more for how to calm my hurt brain and surrender the negative feelings.

I feel you're hurting and this is normal. Send her a message and say you miss her and will be there for her for a chat or if there is anything she wants to talk to you about. Other than that there isn't anything else you can do unfortunately.

Yeah I think this is wise. I've done the message some weeks ago and nothings changed so I just need to resign myself to it. But it's hurtful!

Remind yourself that it's not necessarily about you. She might need space for all sorts of reasons. Don't take it personally.

Good post. More bluntly, other people’s shit is their shit. Sometimes they’re avoiding you for their own reasons. Just sit it out. Concentrate on other friends for now. The fact that someone appears to be rejecting you doesn’t mean they’re any more special and deserving of your headspace than friends who are delighted to see you.

I like to think I'd create some kind of ritual for naming what I've lost and what I used to have in the relationship with her (predictability? trust? sharing of interests?) than visualise placing her at the distance that feels right for me and following up with a loving kindness meditation with her at that distance.

More probably though a long run with thoughts whirring at the end of which I'd feel a bit better and more able to engage with things that supply what I'm no longer getting from her. And then I'd stop doing them, get a bit depressed, and then realise why and make more conscious effort etc.

I apologise in advance if I phrase this more bluntly than I want…

It’s not about you and it almost never is.

Almost all the time, in my experience, it’s not about me. It’s not what I’ve done or what I’m worth or whether I measure up or am good enough, special enough, cool enough.

People have their own stuff going on. Their heads are full, their emotional baggage is hanging around, their internal dialogue is something I won’t know.

If someone withdraws, that’s ok. It’s not necessarily forever and it’s what that want it need in that time. I’ve got plenty to be getting on with in the meantime.

Playing a game of Pick Me isn’t going to make them want to be around me more, and it debases my self worth. I’m enough as I am.

Be nice, be patient, allow people space (and take space yourself when you need it). When whatever it is that’s absorbing her gets resolved, she knows how to find you.

This could probably do with being on a sticky at the top of most friendship posts on here.

This has been so helpful and I will work on this. I am experiencing a lot of bereavement grief and this taps into that, which is why it is so painful I think.

I will definitely use this advice- thank you

This is really sensible kind advice - thanks so much