Partners medication

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My partner of over 20 years has recently stopped taking his antidepressants as they were giving him not so pleasant side effects. He only told me this in the last week but has actually not taken them for a few months, which explains why his moods have been all over the place and he has not been himself. I totally understand why he's stopped taking them, but he's become very difficult to live with. He's argumentative, has no patience or tolerance with me or our kids, he can be down and miserable for two or three days in a row. I've asked him if he is thinking of going back to the doctors to discuss his medication and see if there is an alternative, and he says he doesn't know. He thinks he's better not on them and that he's the way he is because of how me and the kids are, every time I bring up the doctors he tells me where to go and that I need to stop talking. AIBU for asking him to go back and get his tablets sorted or should I just learn to live with this version of him? It's not just me that has noticed the change in him, friends have noticed his different moods as well without me having mentioned it. Any advice is welcome. Thank you

It's really difficult to get someone to go to the doctor when they don't want to. When I was a teen I lived through a similar situation with my dad. He became impossible to live with and it turned out he had uncontrolled diabetes. His blood sugar was so high it would normally put someone into a coma but it turned him into an enraged person who had an alternative reality to Mum and me.

I would try to find a time when he's doing better with his moods and calmly explain that you are worried about his health. Try not to get into the giving of examples of his behaviour being wrong or who is at fault. He's only likely to get into an argument with you and blame you. It is okay to say that you thought the previous tablets were having some benefits to him and that he might benefit from another sort that doesn't have the bad side effects that these ones do.

Focusing on the positives might be easier for him to take and hopefully he'll be interested in making the family dynamic better.

Talking about it with my dad when he was medicated and stable again, he couldn't honestly see that what he was doing was unreasonable at the time. For example he would get enraged with a minute when someone said "good morning" to him. He'd almost wind himself up and say things like "Why is a good morning, it's not", "Why would say something to me that's not true" etc. In his head we were out to get him or always moaning about things. The more he thought we were trying to force him to see the doctor, the more he was determined not to! He nearly attacked the doctor in hospital,for standing too close to him. Ordinarily he isn't a violent person so it was out of character but felt justified to him. Everyone was in a conspiracy against him, in his head. Once stable he could realise that he wasn't processing the world properly.

Also be aware that it's very damaging to you and the kids mental health living like that, so it might not be possible for you to accept that you have to get used to living with him as he is. It's also possible for his mental state to deteriorate. Blaming people around him, can also be the first step in justification for violence to start.

There are other options he might like to explore other than the doctor, like mental health charities.

Could you get a trusted close friend or family member to encourage him to seek professional help?

BeNavyCrab thank you so much for your reply, it makes so much sense what you're saying. Going to try approaching him when he's having a good day

I wish you lots of luck. Try to remember it's the illness you are battling and not the person.

If you have to and nothing else is working you might need to take the approach of, "I can understand you think I'm contributing to the problem. I don't want to be so let's see the doctor or a counsellor together". This worked for my mum, she'd previously gone to the GP to talk about it and his refusal. The GP suggested that she try to frame it as a whole family problem, as likely there was elements of truth that her reaction wasn't helping. Obviously she was highly stressed out and worried about him, so pressured him to get help. By reaffirming she loves him and cares for him and was prepared to alter for him, it made it more acceptable for him to go to get her help "for her unreasonable anxiety and argumentative behaviour" as he saw it. At the time it felt a bit strange of an idea, as he was obviously behaving in a way that was so extreme that it felt like nobody would be able to not trigger his outbursts and maybe a bit manipulative to get him there. However she'd tried every other way and it wasn't working. So she did it and convinced him to see the same doctor who she'd previously spoken to. The start of the consultation she talked about the way she was struggling with what was happening and then the doctor started to ask my Dad and it all came out. You might need to ask for a double length appointment though as a 5 min appointment these days isn't a long time for this approach.

They can't treat him on your word but it's all about getting him to the GP, however you can.

The doctor is going to be aware of situations like this and once they can see the dynamic they can start to treat him. They don't just have medicines but can refer to talking therapy etc