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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking for money back

23 replies

Chickadoo · 22/09/2024 13:02

Interested in peoples opinions.

My mum took my daughter to the cinema last weekend. She doesn't take her out routinely nor spends money on her often. (Which is fine, she doesn't have to at all, no problem). Anyway, she asked me to book the cinema tickets (she isnt great with technology), which I was fine with and I did so, she said she'd transfer me the money afterwards.

She never transferred me the money, but I didn't say anything, seeing as she had my daughter for the day, so I was able to get on with other stuff. Plus, it wasn't all that much money.

Fast forward to yesterday night, my mum asked me to order her a Chinese and she'd transfer me the money. I said OK but reminded her she didn't transfer me the money for the cinema tickets last week.

She then said she shouldn't have to transfer me the money and wasn't going to, seen as she paid for all my daughters snacks at the cinema. She made out I was being unfair, asking for the money and being tight.

I said 'you can't just decide to do something and expect me to pay' I did get a little angry because she got so annoyed about me asking for the money.

She then said 'I'll tranfer you the fucking money then'. And we haven't been on great terms since.

I feel bad about this, but I don't know if I should do?

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves1990 · 22/09/2024 13:07

She can't be trusted. In future ask her to transfer the money first. Tell her you don't have any spare funds.

redalex261 · 22/09/2024 13:08

She is being totally bizarre. Inviting a child to a paid treat then not paying!

Spenditlikebeckham · 22/09/2024 13:08

Imagine she offers to take dd on holiday? She doesn't get to decide how your money is spent....

JC03745 · 22/09/2024 13:10

Why can't she pick up the phone and order a Chinese for herself- either paying by card over the phone, or giving the driver cash?

Sounds like very odd dynamics you have.

Original poster
Chickadoo · 22/09/2024 13:12

JC03745 · 22/09/2024 13:10

Why can't she pick up the phone and order a Chinese for herself- either paying by card over the phone, or giving the driver cash?

Sounds like very odd dynamics you have.

I think she just finds it easier to get me to do it. Which I'm not going to have to think twice about

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickadoo · 22/09/2024 13:14

I think she thought she was doing me a favour by having my daughter (which she was) and therefore I should pay. But I didn't say she had to take her out to the cinema or anything, that was her idea.

OP posts:
CeffylCoch · 22/09/2024 13:15

Tell her to order her own chinese! or go and get it. It's not that difficult. But yes she's rude

Newmum2610 · 22/09/2024 13:15

I think the issue is that she said she would transfer the money to you, if she had no intention of paying she shouldn't have said that.

Clumsy12345 · 22/09/2024 13:15

I’m not being funny but if my mum took my kids to the cinema (not that she would) I would pay for all of them or at least offer, I see im on my own with that though.

Maria1979 · 22/09/2024 13:18

Clumsy12345 · 22/09/2024 13:15

I’m not being funny but if my mum took my kids to the cinema (not that she would) I would pay for all of them or at least offer, I see im on my own with that though.

I would offer to pay but my MIL would be offended. She loves to treat the children, they are her grandkids. For a babysitter I would expect to pay all food / activities.

MamOfGirls2 · 22/09/2024 13:18

I would give my mum money for the cinema, soft play, swimming ect. It's not like she's going for her own fun. She's taking the kids, she doesn't have a huge income and I wouldn't want it to cost her money. I usually would provide the snacks as well. We take our own drinks, popcorn and treats. However, she shouldn't say she's going to pay for something and then refuse to. She should be saying I'll take Bob to the cinema. You buy the tickets and I'll get the treats.

Clumsy12345 · 22/09/2024 13:20

Maria1979 · 22/09/2024 13:18

I would offer to pay but my MIL would be offended. She loves to treat the children, they are her grandkids. For a babysitter I would expect to pay all food / activities.

Show quote history

My mum would not be offended and would take the money so each to their own not like she’s doing it for her benefit must have been a kids movie I doubt she was dying to watch it

CeffylCoch · 22/09/2024 13:22

She shouldn't have offered to pay and then decided that actually she wasn't going to though without any discussion! Who knows if she was going to pay for her chinese too?

Dearg · 22/09/2024 13:24

It’s the fact that she said she would transfer the money, then decided not to, without any discussion which makes your mum unreasonable here. Even if she had said afterwards ‘ gosh that cost more than I had planned’ , I would have thought fair enough , I will buy the tickets.

But I certainly would be thinking twice about online food orders, I think it’s fine to make clear that she needs to pay her way.

Is she on a low income?

TomatoSandwiches · 22/09/2024 13:26

The snack probably cost more than the tickets to be fair, but she shouldn't have said she was going to transfer the money if she didn't intend to and it was her decision to go to the cinema.

I think after her saying she would transfer the money for her food I would have said thanks but don't worry about adding on the cinema tickets, just transfer the takeaway amount.

She sounds a bit different from my own GM and my lovely MIL who wouldn't accept money for the kids and enjoyed treating them... but they also had the funds to do so, perhaps your mum didn't realise how much the snacks would cost?

Original poster
Chickadoo · 22/09/2024 13:26

MamOfGirls2 · 22/09/2024 13:18

I would give my mum money for the cinema, soft play, swimming ect. It's not like she's going for her own fun. She's taking the kids, she doesn't have a huge income and I wouldn't want it to cost her money. I usually would provide the snacks as well. We take our own drinks, popcorn and treats. However, she shouldn't say she's going to pay for something and then refuse to. She should be saying I'll take Bob to the cinema. You buy the tickets and I'll get the treats.

That's absolutely fair, and I would have been fine paying if she had asked, she just said she would tranfer the money before I had time to offer. I've just bought a house and strapped for cash at the moment, so I was also OK with her paying (she has more money than me, not that necessarily matters). They watched Beetlejuice, something she definitely would have got enjoyment from, she likes the cinema a lot. Just the rude refusal to pay after offering gets me.

OP posts:
GuestFeatu · 22/09/2024 13:32

You shouldn't have mentioned the cinema in relation to the Chinese, it was petty. However next time she asks you to order something for her ask for her card to use for the payment. No need for you to use yours, you can do the ordering but she pays.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/09/2024 13:32

I think the issue is that she said she would transfer the money to you, if she had no intention of paying she shouldn't have said that.

This! Cinema plus snacks can be a pricey treat and not something we do regularly (especially if you’ve just moved house). I don’t think it’s fair for her to decide that’s what she’s spending your money on, especially when she’s said she’ll transfer the money.

Why can’t she pay for and order her own Chinese? Does she have no arms?!

I’d say ‘no, but I’ll show you how to order yourself’ next time she asks.

Josephinesnapoleon · 22/09/2024 13:32

Chickadoo · 22/09/2024 13:26

That's absolutely fair, and I would have been fine paying if she had asked, she just said she would tranfer the money before I had time to offer. I've just bought a house and strapped for cash at the moment, so I was also OK with her paying (she has more money than me, not that necessarily matters). They watched Beetlejuice, something she definitely would have got enjoyment from, she likes the cinema a lot. Just the rude refusal to pay after offering gets me.

Show quote history

Surely you’d just say no my treat? I mean I would. Most would.

coffeerevelsrule · 22/09/2024 13:33

A lot of grandparents do enjoy taking their grandchildren out though - they may not enjoy the soft play or the kids' film in the same way that the child does, but they enjoy the fact that they are treating their grandchildren. Obviously this shouldn't be assumed or expected by the parents, but if someone says they're paying then doesn't, which is what happened here, it's annoying and dishonest and could affect people in their budgeting etc. If the gm can't really afford to pay, or doesn't want to, she should be clear about that in the first place.

Mammma91 · 22/09/2024 13:35

Tell her before hand you have a monthly budget and funds are tight with the COL. Then if she says she won’t transfer the money, don’t book or pay for anything on your card.

easylikeasundaymorn · 22/09/2024 13:49

think you are both being a bit unreasonable. You'd already decided you were fine with her not paying back the money for the cinema so why bring it up several days later?

but she is U to say she would pay you and then not, and also to get you to do stuff for her that she could easily do so herself. If you are young enough to have a young child, she can't be that old and incapable of doing basic online ordering. It's set up to be as easy as possible, she's not being asked to code an app. Besides which you can order a chinese via phone or in person, and buy tickets at the cinema itself, it's just making it unnecessarily complicated to get you to act as a booking agent!

Maria1979 · 22/09/2024 17:21

Clumsy12345 · 22/09/2024 13:20

My mum would not be offended and would take the money so each to their own not like she’s doing it for her benefit must have been a kids movie I doubt she was dying to watch it

Show quote history

It depends on ressources I suppose. Surely you would expect and insist on paying if the GP is not well off. I would find it weird for a GP who is well off to ask for reimbursement for activities they chose to do with GC..

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