Mixed sleepover 12 year old

[Tiredandneedtogotobed]

My daughter went to a friends for a sleepover - has been a few times but we don’t know family (high school friend) although I have both (separated) parents on what’s app etc.
I found out after the event there were two boys also at the sleepover (the girls boyfriend and his friend (my daughter’s boyfriend).
My daughter says they slept in separate rooms (boys in one girls in the other).
I don’t know the boys at all - I mean their parents must have been ok with them sleeping over at a girls house unless they lied???

AIBU to feel pissed off because the parent didn’t ask if it was ok?
or that I’m upset I found out by accident (so my daughter doesn’t want to share this stuff with me)?
I wouldn’t have allowed it if I’d known before. It just feels too young.

we have talked about sex/consent/being underage etc

I haven’t contacted either parent but I did say to my daughter I’d lost trust in the parent who allowed the sleepover (not in my daughter).

AIBU to feel concerned about this?

thanks!

Yeah, I wouldn't be okay with it. Especially not being known people to you, parents not telling you etc.

Your 12 year old has a 'boyfriend' who you don't know?
I'd be making a point of knowing, your DD isn't all innocent here, she'll have know who was staying and kept it from you as she knew you'd be mad. Poor judgement on the parents to allow this.

12? And your daughter has a boyfriend to the extent you're concerned what may happen if they're in a place overnight at the same time?
I'd be worried about why you think the behaviour may be inappropriate.
Is the boyfriend older? Untrustworthy? Do they act/ talk in a sexualised manner?
My DD27 had male friends at that age and there were regular mixed sex sleepovers. They were 12! When they got older, they naturally separated themselves into girls and boys rooms but they all knew each other well and all looked out for each other.

What happened to Childhood? This is so sad on so many counts.

Definitely not appropriate with a lot of potential for things to go too far.

Well your daughter clearly knew and didn’t tell you as she knew she wouldn’t be able to go. I imagine the parents assumed she’d told you.

& they slept in separate rooms so what’s the issue?

I would not like this at all. But I always call the parents and ask for the arrangements before letting my DS11 go anywhere.

I would have allowed the sleepover as long as they were in separate rooms but I would be very annoyed I hadn't been asked about it before hand.

Thank you for the replies.

I think the boyfriend situation is innocent in that they are experimenting with having boyfriends.
She often tells me about her friend’s relationships and they have a boyfriend one week and it’s someone else the week after.

The boys are the same age but I’ve never met them - she’s only brought female friends home - never boys (since high school) not that I would mind at all. I had lots of male friendships growing up. I wouldn’t expect her to declare her feelings to me or tell me about every boy she has a crush on.

but I will encourage her to share a bit more if she feels comfortable with it.

I’m not mad at her for having a boyfriend and I trust what she tells me.

but I am an overthinker!
But some children do have sex too young and for others mixed friendship groups are very innocent!

I wouldn’t have been mad at her (and I wasn’t). I think I feel unsettled because the parent didn’t let me know but on the flip side they do organise these things amongst themselves so maybe I should be expecting more honesty from my daughter.

While I said they organise the sleepovers themselves - k always make sure I have parent contact details - if it’s a new parent I drop her off and meet the parent. And I always follow up with a message to double check the arrangements. The parent could have double checked with me and I would have asked the parent had the situation been reversed.

FWIW my first sexual experience was with a friend's older brother when I was 13 and at a sleepover. I would not have even considered allowing this.

Life was very different 15 years ago!

I wonder if these kids all had their phones on them.

And seriously? The potential of what could have happened... (and to be fair, no one knows what did or didn't happen!)

It's the potential for girls to be put in a position where their safety is compromised, I think. Being a parent involves being able to make informed safeguarding decisions on behalf of DC.

Example: a close friend's 13 year old daughter was invited round to a school friend's house during the day in half term (this was almost 30 years ago), whilst both parents were out. My friend did not know that boys were invited, including a slightly older boy her daughter had a crush on. Snogging, etc progressed to him raping her.

I would say no to mixed sleepovers at secondary school.
At some point it slips from innocent to not and you won't know when that line is crossed over.
Better a clear rule.

I didn't have a boyfriend at 12 but as an older teen when there were 2 couples the setup did not remain a girls room and a boys room for very long after the parents went to bed.
Bigger mixed group no problem but 2 couples is asking for trouble in my opinion.

I had a male friend who told me his first (full) sex was at 12 with another female 12 year old. I was gobsmacked, I didn't know what sex was at 12.

Do 12 year olds ever go to bed properly at a sleepover (in any room), I remember them being up pretty much all night and exhausted in the morning (girls only though).

Separate bedrooms.

They didn't have a sleepover with them. They slept in the same house.

Would you feel the same about the 12yo having any brothers sleeping in the same house?

The issue here is your dd not being open enough with you and you need to address that.

I wouldn't have a problem with kids sleeping in speedster rooms in a house with parents present. I'd have an issue with my 12yo feeling the need to hide things from me.

Things have moved on, really it seems you are being a bit naive to think that things are entirely innocent. Most children have seen porn at 12. You are quite right to be very concerned.

No sleepovers until young person can defend their own boundaries and is able to understand how to keep them self safe and leave under their own steam if they wish to

How do you know where anyone slept? Did the parents stay awake all night monitoring them? Would you let her 'boyfriend' stay at your house?

I think the boyfriend situation is innocent in that they are experimenting with having boyfriends.
I think you're being incredibly naive OP. The sleeping in separate rooms is pointless, I doubt they spent all evening separate do you?
They're in high school, not innocent wee 8 yr olds.

Unless your 12 year old has been brought up incredibly street wise and coached in self defence you are allowing her enough rope to hang herself with.

I think I do feel unsettled becasue the other parent felt it was ok tbh.

I absolutely agree. There isn’t a need to have a sleepover with her boyfriend. This is why I am concerned about it. And is a 12 yo mature/experienced enough to know when that relationship changes?

Having a relationship at school where it’s relatively safe is very different to potentially being alone with a boy, overnight in someone else’s home.
Even in my twenties I found myself in what I thought were safe situations that turned unsafe very quickly.

As I say there was no talk prior of having the boys sleepover. It wasn’t even on my radar. So I probably am quite naive.

Thanks again for the replies.