To think that adult friendships shouldn’t require constant maintenance?

[MoonChariot]

I feel like friendships should be easy, and not require endless texting, calls, or planning to stay connected. If a friendship fades because of a lack of effort, maybe it wasn’t that strong to begin with. AIBU to think that adults should be able to let friendships evolve naturally without feeling guilty?

I have extremely low expectations of friends. As you get older you value them for good times and interesting chats. When the chips are down I have Dh and my sisters. If I followed the strict “ride or die” type rules others seem to expect of their friends I wouldn’t have any! Think the more intense friendships are when you are at school / university I would hate to have a demanding friend now <shudder>

I think friendships do require a bit of maintenance and care: you can’t forget about them altogether.

But I agree that people are sometimes absurdly precious and needy about the levels of contact and communication required for their upkeep. I see people all the time on here flouncing off and excommunicating people over what I consider to be very trivial stuff: not having messaged enough or having to cancel a meeting or not answering the phone or whatever.

I think a lot of people since the pandemic seem to have lost a lot of their resilience and resourcefulness around friendship and just their basic friendship skills and seem to really struggle with the basic expectations.

I certainly think a lot of people’s friendships would improve if they chilled out and stopped being so needy and went with the flow a bit more.

What is your expectation of how a friendship continues? I value staying in touch with friends over the phone especially when I don’t see them very often due to distance. Other friends I see every few months and I might not talk to much in between but when I see them it’s like nothing changed but those are friendships that are very established.

Of course they can evolve. I have friends I see only occasionally and we dont take it personally. But if you want someone to still be your close friend you'd have to be in contact often otherwise that person would find other close friends instead.

I don't take it personally though. Some friends don't reply for a long time, that's fine. I get the message that they're busy and we talk less often.

I understand that for some people, staying in touch is very important, especially with long-distance relationships. But for me, I think true friendships shouldn’t feel like a chore or have an obligation to constantly check in. I value the kind where, even if we don’t talk for a while, things are still great when we reconnect. Maybe it’s just a difference in how we view friendships, but I find constant maintenance a bit draining.

You have not written what your expectation is or what you personally find too much. I have three friends and we message each other every week. Everyone else it’s more intermittent with no set amount and sometimes there may be a couple of months between messages. Writing constant maintenance, do you mean every day, week or month ?

I agree. I have three very close friends. One I see once a year (she lives abroad) and we hardly even text beyond that but she is my closest friend. One where we exchange texts every couple of months but didn't manage to meet for about two and a half years. And one where we speak and meet intermittently but no more than twice a year. I have an emerging friendship with a colleague which needs a little more nurturing outside of a work environment at the moment. I am only friends with "my people" who don't measure the value of our connection by the frequency of texts.

I think it’s a balance.

Any relationship needs so sort or maintenance. And different people have different expectations. If expectations don’t match then the friendship isn’t really a friendship. Friendships are built on common interests and value. If someone friendship feels annoying and/or a chore or obligation it’s not a friendship.

I would hate to have to constantly check in with my closest friend. But also don’t find it annoying when if she texts a lot for a week. It ebbs and flows and we are both ok with that.

@MoonChariot

I think true friendships shouldn’t feel like a chore or have an obligation to constantly check in

I agree and I would find the sorts of friendships a lot of people seem to expect on Mumsnet very stifling. I don’t want to be living in people’s pockets.

I think friendships tend to demand more intensity when people are younger. More mature friendships should have grown past this and not need endless reassurance.

Maybe it’s about how you keep in touch with people; an exchange of news constantly can be a bit draining but when i speak to my friends via messages and calls it’s often talking about something one of us is finding hard, or laughing about a funny story etc so it lifts me up.

Yes takes alot of effort. People so busy now. I gave up on the flaky non committal ones as got all one sided. I have prob 3 solid friends thats it. It is plenty. I do find people dont commit to things or dates now its hard.

I agree. I have one really close friend and we can go weeks / months without seeing each other and then just pick up like we saw eachother yesterday. There shouldn’t be demand between friends, lives are busy.

Friendships do need maintenance however the levels of maintenance required will vary. There's also nothing wrong with letting some relationships die a natural death, or ending relationships which drain you.