CBA with friendships

[SGANDRUE]

I've never been good at friendships yet always craved them and the validation that they bring. But I either wanted to be friends with people who weren't interested in me, or I'm massively disappointed in friends behaviour and dropped them, or I get territorial and possessive when I do find a friend I care about. I never seem to get it right. I suspect I'm ND which has a lot to answer for.

Now I'm in my 50s and don't have any close friends anymore. I stepped away from my last close relationship because she disappointed me. I joined friendship sites and met some lovely women I enjoy the company of but don't want to get close to. But now I realise after looking back on the friends that have come and gone, that I now CBA! I like being busy but realise I don't need the complications of friends in my life. I realise now that being with people depletes my energy and I feel lighter now that I realise I don't have to have friends if I don't want to. Anyone else feel like this?

Yes and no. I don't need many friends (2-3 close friends is enough for me) and often I feel like I don't need them at all. But I do know that social contact is important and so make sure I maintain some, whether I really want to or not.

It sounds like your expectations of your friends may be a bit high? Lowering expectations can make a difference. Maybe you're someone who prefers to have casual acquaintances rather than close friends?

There's nothing wrong with being a bit of a loner, I do often think that's wonderful and I could live with it, but there's plenty of evidence that social interaction is good for us in many ways.

Do you have family that fills the social gap for you?

My life is so much better without friends in it. I prefer my own company to almost anyone else’s and I like time alone. Spending time with family is more than enough company for me, and I don’t feel like there’s any gaps in my life that I need friends to fill.

It wouldn’t work for most people though I don’t think because I’ve never felt lonely but there’s lots of talk/charities/schemes/events etc that are there because of the ‘loneliness epidemic’ so I think most people do enjoy having friends.

I grew up on the outskirts of friendship groups desperately wanting to be the popular girl.

This continued into my twenties and thirties needing friendships/social life to feel validated.

As I've got older I've realised I'm quite happy in my own and my family's company. I do have a few friends I chat to/meet for lunch or coffee but I'm not needing more anymore.

I also find expressing my opinion on mn helps me feels part of something without needing to manage others expectations

I will say, I find making friend easy so my opinion might be bias on this.

I have a couple of great, life long friends. Some friends have come and gone (my choice, theirs or just fizzling out) which I think can be normal as some friends are for 'seasons' of life.

I would be utterly miserable without friends. I love my own company and doing lots of things alone, even without my partner but I also love having a giggle and chat with friends!

I find making friends easy too, it’s very annoying, I have such a moody face as well even when I’m happy, so I don’t really get it but I wish I could pass the ‘skill’ to someone who needs it. There are threads all over social media by people who struggle to make friends and want them, people want to be my friend and I don’t want friends, why can’t things be fairer. Or maybe we all just want what haven’t got/can’t have?

I would like to have more friends, but as I get older I find I can’t be bothered with people’s bullshit.

I find people more and more irritating, but I also enjoy company! It’s a vicious circle and I notice I’ve become more reclusive over the years.

I have no answers for you, just empathy!

I have family and Dh and I have been friends with another couple for years. We see them once a month. I have 2 lovely women I see if I want to do an activity or coffee but that's it. I don't need more. It's a bit of an epiphany to realise this!

That sounds like plenty, and you do have friendships. Sounds like a nice amount of connections to me.

I agree but am older than you. It took me a while to realise that.

Do what works for you.

I think I'm more rigid about friendships than average and will give up on them more easily. I've found it really interesting reading threads from different perspectives like how some people see friends that don't contact them for more than a year as normal, that wouldn't feel like a friend to me.

If you find that you're not getting much out of the relationships you have available then what can you do? Odds are you're not going to suddenly have a massive perspective shift. It's risky to only rely on family but then what can you really do if you can't find friendships that work for you?