To think it’s ok to cut off friends who drag you down, even if they’ve been in your life for decades?

[SoloWanderer]

I’ve recently been re-evaluating my friendships and personal growth, and I’m starting to wonder if keeping certain people around purely for the sake of history is worth it. I have a friend I’ve known for years - we’ve been through a lot, but lately, she’s become increasingly negative and unsupportive. Every time we talk, I feel emotionally drained, like she’s pulling me back instead of lifting me up.

I’ve tried to bring it up gently, but she brushes it off and acts like I’m the problem for wanting more positivity in my life. I’m at the point where I’m considering cutting ties, even though we’ve known each other for decades. Part of me feels guilty because she’s been a significant part of my life, but another part feels like I’m holding onto dead weight.

AIBU to think it’s ok to end a long-term friendship if the person is no longer adding anything positive to your life? Or am I being heartless and selfish for not sticking it out for the sake of loyalty and history?

You can end a relationship for any reason you like. You could be generous and see it as her going through a hard time as I'm guessing she hasn't always been like this. But if you're fed up and see no way of resolving it then end the friendship.

Have something similar recently with a friend of mine of over a decade and actually had to hit pause on the friendship recently and go ‘no/low contact’ cause it’s just draining cycle of shit going on with her and frankly have my own stuff to deal with without adding her endless negativity to my own load 😫 if that makes me an a-hole friend, oh well?! I’ll plead first time mom with bad pp anxiety and keep it pushing till I have or choose to invest mental energy to being limitlessly empathetic. So no, YNBU! I gave my friend the curtesy of a heads up I needed a step back and a break from the friendship after she had a go at me for not being empathetic enough in my response to her continued issues with the air quality and it effecting her lungs 🫠😑 she was gracious thankfully and it’s been liberating as awful as that might be for the whole ‘through thick and thin’ …

Not just friends... I think people should cut off absolutely anyone who doesn't offer more positive than negative on a long term balance.

I've cut off friends and family over the years and I am so much happier for it.

The people in my life make me so happy, we support each other and uplift each other.

Maybe you don’t need to make a permanent decision? If you’re not getting much from each other atm it’s worth taking a step back; but perhaps keep the door open? I’ve had friendships that I’ve not been enjoying in the moment but years later realised a lot of that was also about me and it wasn’t that I didn’t value that person and our experiences together: one such friend id often find hard to be around like this, she could be negative and prickly sometimes and if I wasn’t in the right zone it wasn’t what I needed at that time. But other times she was also kind, funny, clever, generous, supportive etc. and on the whole she was very special to me. People are complex. Anyway, she died very suddenly and i miss her terribly. I realised the enduring impact of our friendship was a net positive, and that we sometimes wound each other up seemed much less significant in the grand scheme of our whole experience together.
I took for granted she’d always be there and there’d always be time.
Anyway I only give this example because I felt like you sometimes about that friend so I’d just be sure you realy don’t mind forever being forever and take steps to proceed accordingly. I’d keep it kind and respectful whatever you do.

if its toxic cut ties! We live one life go spend it with people that make u HAPPY

Drop them like a lead balloon.

That's what I would do, don't suffer fools and don't let them put the blame on you when they are as guilty as hell.

I dropped a long term friend because of her negativity towards me. She was always making subtle digs intended to undermine my confidence. She would criticise my other friends and sneer at them. I tried to address it with her but she always turned it around to make it sound it wa my imagination. Much to my surprise, letting go of her let a lot of lovely new people into my life, friends who really like and support me, and I hadn’t realised how much she was holding me back.

I have a friend who’s got into the positive mindset and personal growth stuff and whilst she calls everyone else negative and accuses them of not working on themselves (whatever that means!) she can be quite a downer herself. She’s decided people need to be positive and add to her life but these friends are people too and they have their own issues and ups and downs.
Obviously this may not relate to your situation at all and you can cut anyone out or just step back but sharing life’s ups and downs is part of friendship.

@SoloWanderer in what way is she being negative?

Has she always been a moaner or is she going through something right now?

I currently don’t have one happy friend! Close friends that is- everyone has more or less simultaneously run into life issues- divorces, affairs, pregnancy loss, sectioning and homelessness. They all need to talk and be supported emotionally and practically, and it’s a lot.

But I wouldn’t cut any of them off because they are amazing women and great friends, they are just having a hard time right now- and I know if it were the other way round they would all be there for me.

On the other hand if she is always a fun sponge emotional vampire and you don’t have a reciprocal relationship, then I would distance myself.

No not unreasonable at all, I went low/no contact with my friend of over 20 years , he was very toxic and it was draining , he has no kids and expected me to be able to carry on the party life that he lives and would get very nasty when I couldn't or wouldn't because of family commitments, I didn't realise how much he was affecting my mental health until I broke away and feel so much better for it !

in short as an answer to your OP, OP:

A big resounding

YES

ive dine this many times 0 regrets