To not put up with wife's emotional abuse

[Bojooo]

My wife's default reaction to any type of frustration with me is to give me the silent treatment for a few days. It's being going on since the relationship started & it's my fault for not stopping it.

Earlier on, I would try to talk about the silent treatment but that would make her more emotional, so I now take a step back and give her the space she needs until she is ready to talk to me.

It's completely worn me down, to the point, I don't want to be in the same room as her. I would divorce her in an instant but we have children & I don't think I could leave.

I want to give her an ultimatum, 'stop this it I'll leave,' but I don't think that's the answer.

Well silent treatment is abusive yes and it's up to you what to do about it. What are her frustrations with you, if she's not happy with something you're doing then she needs to find a better way to deal with it?

Yes this is abuse and it’s not ok.

Counselling?

If you can’t talk - how about a letter. Write out the essence of what you say here - you can’t live like this, you give space as a means of dealing with it, but this can’t go on for you and though you don’t want to split something has to happen. Suggest counselling. But you have to let her know that you are coming to the end of the road with this.

Silent treatment is soul destroying, and abusive. You need to talk to her about how it’s affecting you and your relationship. If she won’t listen/wont change, you may have to call it quits. Can’t be great for your kids either.

If it's affecting you it's affecting the kids. Don't stay in a relationship 'for the sake of the children' as it is usually as damaging to them as it is to you..

@Bojooo I want to give her an ultimatum, 'stop this it I'll leave,' but I don't think that's the answer.

it IS the answer.

follow through with it too.

Has she ever explained why she does it and whether she understands the impact it has on you?

Is she deliberately punishing you or withdrawing as a self protective mechanism?

What sorts of things trigger it and is it reasonable that she's upset by it?

I think it’s reasonable for people to need some space after an argument for an hour or two. Or maybe even overnight. But going on for days and days just festers things and creates distance. I agree with writing a letter OP.

She does know the affect it's having on me. She used to excuse her behaviour by claiming she couldn't control her anger and that needed an outlet. It's been years since I discussed this with her.

She gets upset if she feels she isn't being appreciated enough or thanked enough. It can be anything: not doing enough housework, not knowing what she is doing, indulging the kids too much.

She used to excuse her behaviour by claiming she couldn't control her anger and that needed an outlet.

What does this mean? How couldn't she control her anger?

I’d write her a letter and give it to her next time you get the silent treatment. Tell her that as an adult, you expect to have an adult relationship where you communicate. Tell her that her silent treatment is emotionally immature, not what you want from a partner and that it makes you feel so unhappy you are not sure if you can continue in a marriage like this. Tell her that if she doesn’t have counselling and work on better ways to healthily express her feelings then the relationship has no future.

It's emotional abuse - she needs to get her big girl's pants on and talk like a grown up person - discuss issues in a grown up way like not a toddler.
Waaaah Don't like you now. Silly

And you should absolutely show her this

I hate the silent treatment, it’s manipulative childish and cowardly.

You don’t have to live with it. Give an ultimatum and mean it, it’s a relationship killer either way.

Yes, it's emotional abuse and she sounds extremely childish. Don't stay in a miserable marriage for the kids. Remember, you are providing their model for what relationships should be. You don't want them to be in an abusive relationship when they grow up because they think it's normal.

Yes, it's a form of abuse.

If you Google 'stonewalling' you will find lots of advice how to approach this situation. Unfortunately, you may also read that in 95% of cases it leads to divorce.

Sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you love your wife, so maybe some counselling would help.

Where’s he going? What about the children? Can he afford a separate home? It’s not the answer and is not this straight forward.

The silent treatment is totally unacceptable. I can understand needing to take some time to cool off when angry but it can't go on for days. That's very unreasonable. However I will say that I think a lot of people don't know how to argue constructively, a lot of us default to what we saw growing up... but that can be learnt.

If you're at the point where it's make or break and you're reconsidering the relationship then I would suggest couples counselling to her. They might be able to give you some practical tools to help you both listen and speak to each other. Either she will try it with you, or you'll know she's not prepared to meet you halfway and change her behaviour in which case you have a decision to make.

Have you ever tried to discuss why she does it? Maybe she's given up on you or the relationship? Or maybe you just don't listen to her when she's expressing her needs. So she shuts down. Have you tried to change?

She says, it's just the way she is. She doesn't direct her silent treatment at just me; she's like this with other people.

She is giving me the silent treatment now and it will continue until I break the silence.

When you’re being subjected to this level of emotional abuse, you get the kids out of the situation.

serve her divorce papers

maybe that till stimulate some conversation

Tell her to grow the hell up. She needs to start communicating like a grown up and not a 5 year old. What she is doing is abusive and nobody should have to put up with it. If your kids upset her does she ignore them until they come groveling as well?

@Bojooo It is abusive, and it affects your children as well as you - I speak as someone whose mother would use the silent treatment on my dad for weeks at a time and remember my dad in tears because of it, while I was stuck in the middle.
You need to seriously address it. Relationship counselling if she agrees, otherwise I can't see much future for you.