To ask if I sound like I'm autistic?

[AmINd]

I'm 30 and have spent the last 10 years convinced there is something different about me. I seem to find life exceptionally difficult and feel very 'behind' my peers. I was academic and went to university, but I would sit on my own and never speak to anyone unless they spoke to me first. I was desperate for friends, but could never initiate conversations. I am very, very shy. I'm the same at work - I work from home mainly, but when I'm in the office I will sit on my own and go for lunch on my own unless someone directly asks me. I hate it, but can't bring myself to initiate conversations with others. I get burnt out in jobs around 1-1.5 years in. Not sure why, I just start to get a feeling of dread and stress hives every day and then I just burn out and can't bring myself to carry on. I find meetings exhausting as I am hyperaware of my reactions, my facial expressions, and my posture. I get the worst headaches after just one meeting as I've been so switched on and focused that it drains me. I never speak in meetings unless spoken to. I stumble over my words and can't form a sentence properly.

I'm not sure if it's just an intense level of anxiety and social anxiety, but the fact that I am 30 and still struggling with the same issues that plagued me in childhood is really frustrating. Not speaking in class has turned into not speaking in meetings. Parents' evenings consisting of teachers telling my parents I was too quiet have now turned into managers telling me I need to have more confidence. If anything I have gone downhill as during my childhood and teen years I always had friends at least. I have not made a new friend since I was around 12. I seem to be well-liked by colleagues but never enough to make friends with them.

I think I come across to others as really naive and sensitive (rightly so, to be honest). I tend to get babied a lot, even by people younger than me.

I just don't know what's wrong.

It's really doesn't.

Look into RTC clinical partners we s is a good one. Print if a form from website take to GO and ask for a referral take about 5/6 months from referral. It's paid for by the NHS this is England only though. You do sound very likely to be autistic.

That is completely wrong.

Some people with ASD wouldn’t be interested in that. Some would be. Some might be depending on the day / activity. Some would be interested but not know how to cope with it.

The OP also describes me and I wasn’t interested in any of those things; I stayed at home and read and did not feel like I was missing out. I didn’t attend my prom and I also had a wedding with immediate family only!

I never answered questions in class at school and was always told I was too quiet, and I’m the same as an adult in social situations where there’s a group of people. I struggled with work but am now happier as a SAHM. I have no friends and don’t care.

I wonder if there’s more to it than social anxiety. Over the past year I’ve started to wonder about ADHD as discussions on that describe me in so many ways.

I should add I just got on and struggled (socially) through school with it, I’m mid 40s and there was less awareness back then. So I’ve never been referred.

Yes. I think autism is a possibility.

I'm autistic (diagnosed in my 50s!) and worry constantly about my body language and facial expressions too. I've never actually heard of anyone else doing that, so it is nice to know it is not just me .

Ask for your GP for a diagnosis. It's worth it.

Bit of a generalisation there.

@dizzydizzydizzy My daughter (20) has recently been diagnosed with ASD. She's hyper aware of her body language and facial expressions, as well as hiding the things that she'd normally do naturally that others see as weird.

She will rehearse over and over the "right response" to certain situations ahead of time and has set routines for meeting people. It includes things like counting the seconds of looking at their eyes, holding a handshake, mirroring their actions etc. She can mask very convincingly for short periods of time.

People have remarked at how confident and articulate she appears, but that's not her true self. Maintaining the mask is extremely mentally exhausting for her, even with friends she knows very well. An hour or two with friends and she will come home and sleep for hours. There are days when it's just too much for her to see anyone.

She's studying at university at the moment. If she has too much social activities required of her, it becomes intolerable for her and she either drops the mask, has to leave the situation or is so overwhelmed she has a meltdown. Everyday she has to balance her social activities and time spent in challenging environments that trigger sensitivities, to try to avoid the point where she is completely burnt out.

You definitely aren't alone!!

Another thing that I forgot to mention is I do have an autistic brother and Uncle, and I’m pretty sure my Dad is autistic as well. My brother’s social difficulties are a lot more obvious though, and he was diagnosed very young (I think around 5?) I am not sure if I am socially anxious but neurotypical, or if I’m autistic. I feel upset when I think that I may be autistic; I know that there’s nothing wrong with being autistic, but I think a diagnosis would be the unravelling of all the ways I’ve just to bury my head in the sand about a lot of things. But really the way my life is turning out speaks for itself. I just don’t know.

If you think ASD is a possibility, then go over it with your GP and get an assessment.

But ASD is a lot more than social anxiety, or not understanding other people. There is a 'triad' of impairment. Have a Google and see it it fits.

I understand where you're coming from, and I want to share my experience in the hope it brings you some comfort.

I'm over 40, and back in the day, autism wasn’t a term that was widely understood or recognized. Growing up, I was always the quiet and shy one, never really fitting in. To this day, I am exactly the same. I’ve learned that it's crucial to find your people the---- ones who accept you and stick with them. You don’t need a large group of friends; sometimes, one good friend is enough.

At work, people often think I’m distant or uninterested because I don’t engage much. The truth is, I’m just socially awkward, and that’s okay. What really matters is that I get my job done, and I focus when I need to. After work, I retreat to my safe space, where I spend time with my small family and my dog, and focus on the things that bring me peace.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of self-doubt and frustration, but trust me when I say that it's okay to feel the way you do. The fact that you're still struggling with things from childhood isn’t a reflection of failure—it's part of who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You may not have the energy to engage with people at work or make friends easily, but that doesn't mean you're less valuable or capable.

Keep focusing on the things that bring you comfort, and don't be too hard on yourself for not fitting the mold. You're doing the best you can, and that's enough.

For a rough idea:

Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) - Psychology Tools (psychology-tools.com)

Autism is strongly hereditary so the fact you have a brother w a diagnosis is significant.

Look up the autism in girls network. Autism could have been missed in your childhood since clinicians were focussed more on boys with a particular profile in the past.

Also look up situational mutism and see if it chimes.

My DH had a diagnosis in his late 40s it's made a massive difference. His evaluation was closer to £1k than £2k.

Id think it was social anxiety, too. I have a friend with GAD so not specifically social anxiety...but she is also socially anxious due to the GAD, and your post sounds a lot like a description of her!

Not all neurodivergent people are the same. If you know one person with ASD you know...one person with ASD.

For example, my DD is diagnosed ASD. Struggled at secondary school, but now at college has a group of close friends who are all neurodivergent in some way and loves it, although needs a huge amount of downtime.

I am undiagnosed but very likely AuDHD. Having friends has never interested me, when I was a teen I knew I was 'supposed' to have friends, but truth is I am much happier without and I don't seek out friendships. I have my family and that's enough for me. I don't get socially anxious, I am however, fairly socially unaware and this means I can come across as bossy and confident.

We both get the alien feeling, we were both never happier than during COVID lockdown.

Do some reading, there are a lot of great books out there, so start there rather than the internet where you'll find something much conflicting information.

I'm Autistic and have ADHD, some of this sounds familiar.

I had to CBT myself as a young person (not through therapy), to push myself to be social. It worked to some degree, exposure can be helpful to reduce anxiety and build resilience to stressors, but also was detrimental in others as I went extreme with it and applied those exposure principles as a blanket statement to everything and caused myself serious stress as a result!

People often wonder why I'm not 'higher up' at work and I often wonder this myself, as I have the same knowledge as others and plenty of experience but lack the competitiveness, and desire to play political games. I see managers who blag their way, but I'm very black and white about not falsifying and glossing over my own gaps, so much so that I take myself out of the running for a lot of things!

However having worked in both private and NHS mental health, special education, social care etc, this could also be significant social anxiety or sensory difficulties. Another caveat to that is, sensory difficulties/anxiety/OCD/Low mood etc are often co occurring conditions alongside autism anyway so sometimes it's hard to differentiate. A lot of overlap! Also, mindful that trauma/FASD in childhood can mimic some of the symptoms of ASC and ADHD so there is also that to consider.

You won't know unless you go for an assessment, although be wary of certain providers and do your research as some have a much higher diagnosis rate than others as they're private and it keeps people coming to them. I've seen ND teams at work and there has to be considerable and consistent evidence, often the more complex cases are pored over at MDT to try and work out whether there is ND or not