To want to ask why he got divorced?

[FaithD]

We've been together for a year. He rescheduled our first date because he 'had to go to a friend's dad's funeral'. I later discovered this friend was his ex wife and the funeral of his ex father in law. Ex was his childhood sweetheart.

At the start he talked about her often until I asked if he still has feelings for her. He said he didn't, they were just friends and they met about once a year for lunch to catch up.

The other night we were watching this old movie where a family is washing a body before a funeral and he told me he had done this with his ex wife. It took me aback.

Earlier I asked if he'd been in touch with her lately and he said 'last week'. Given this is Sat that could mean yesterday, and every day for all I know.

The relationship considered alone is a good one and I don't feel neglected but I find myself wanting to ask what happened given they seem so close. Is it rude to ask?

How long did he know his ex father in law? I’m assuming that it’s a long time so attending a funeral for him is a non-brainer.

Do they have kids together ?

How long between his divorce and him dating you ? Were you the first person he dated post divorce?

Was last week the one year anniversary of her father’s death/funeral ?

@SonicTheHodgeheg no kids - that's why I found the ongoing contact strange at first.

Four years between dating me and the divorce. Apparently working on himself and he did a degree etc, big life changes

I did worry about being a rebound at first but now we've met each others families and the relationship feels quite serious.

@SonicTheHodgeheg anniversary is very soon but wasn't last week, no.

Honestly, if they don’t have kids… I would move away from this one very swiftly.

Cross posts. Dump.

Really @TheCultureHusks ? Do you think they're abnormally close?

He hasn't seen her for nearly a year and we see each other all the time. I don't want to tank the relationship, but I do want to have the facts without being invasive and rude about his past relationship.

Could still be a rebound.

my ex did this too me! Been with him for almost 2 years.

was previously with ex-girlfriend for 10 years. They broke up as she was being difficult and wanted to move areas.

Anyways I alway had this doubt in my mind. Then one day she randomly meet us in central London in the early morning dressed up!

I knew then they were still in contact. Then after we broke up he told me he was speaking and messaging her the whole time. In fact moved to London as some point to get closer to her!

that was a lesson learnt for me! Plus I meet his family and stayed for Xmas! I was very close to introducing him to my family as I thought we would get married and have children! Men are liars.

I suppose it could @Guavafish1 - and I know he could be playing things down if they still have frequent contact.

Problem is, how do I really know? I told him my concerns about 3 months in and he said there were no residual feelings and that he would never go back to that relationship. He said he worries about her because she was suicidal so checks in sometimes. I don't buy that's the only reason why - it suits him to stay in touch.

But that said I am otherwise happy in the relationship. We're early 30s and the older you get the greater likelihood of no baggage. I just forget he was married before half the time and then something like a movie scene reminds me!

So is it rude to ask the question? Why did you get divorced?

I don't think it's rude to ask, if you find the right moment and don't just blurt it out out of the blue! I'm surprised it hasn't come up before to be honest. Next time he brings her up in conversation, that's when I'd ask him.

@Noseybookworm he said they were childhood sweethearts and alluded to growing apart but never actually stated the real reason or reasons explicitly.

Yes ok I'll wait until she comes up next - not often these days thankfully. I still just find it a bit jarring when she does and I think he'll catch up with her soon. Thanks.

You definitely need to ask!

I think he still has feeling and he is lying to himself and you.

I would not be comfortable with this situation and honestly I would just let him go! There is too much doubt and stress.

There’s nothing wrong with asking why someone got divorced if you’re in a relationship with them. I’ve seen my DHs divorce paperwork etc.

I wouldn’t dump over this. People can be divorced and still be friends. People do genuinely grow apart. On MN though everyone is convinced a marriage only ends because a man cheated, and that being friends with someone of the opposite sex is red flags. it sounds like they grew up together, maybe married young and it didn’t work out? Very similar to my exh and I tbh, though we had two children. We are friends, even now the kids have grown. But I’m sure if his spouse had posted on here over the years I’d have been torn apart 😝

Yes, ask him. After a year you should be able to chat about this stuff, I don’t think it’s a bad thing they’re still in touch. If they just grew apart and split up amicably, with all that shared history it’s nice that they’re still friends.

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a guy who keeps bringing up her ex's name. I can't understand why he feels the need to mention her or why he’s still messaging her regularly. That's a major red flag to me. Are you 100% sure they haven't met?
You've only been with him for a year, and you're still young. Go find someone who is genuinely into you. Without the suspicion he's playing games. It makes life so much nicer.

Not normal. I don't keep in touch with my childhood sweetheart. We split up and went our separate ways. I could understand if kids were involved. Honestly I would not put up with this. Time to move on I think.

Agree with many other posters on here, it’s not rude to ask, you should be able to have these conversations by now. I met my DH a year after he separated from his ex and was concerned about the possibility of being a rebound etc.. I asked him fairly early on why they split up / got divorced because I didn’t want to waste time if he was going to go back. He was very open about it, didn’t squirm or get awkward, and was happy to tell me. If your OH is shifty about it, I’d be concerned. But that’s just my opinion 😊

People can be friends with an ex! It's not a red flag! Even more likely if they were childhood sweethearts. They probably just grew up and it didn't work anymore romantically for them, but if it was amicable why not stay friends.

And yes of course you can ask why they broke up, surprised you haven't had that chat already. Sharing a bit about your relationship histories is pretty standard.

It's totally ok to ask why your partner broke up with someone. DH knows why I broke up with my last DP before him, it was be because I wasn't in love. After a while I met DH, fell in love, and here we are. I'm still in touch with the ex because he's a genuinely lovely bloke, and we met via his family, so not being friends would be pointless, weird, and a bit awkward at parties.

Can't you find the decree nisi online? I thought they were public record, with the reasons for the split noted.

It's not rude to ask I mean we are human and curious creatures anyway. It would of been one of my first questions while dating. Childhood sweethearts and still staying in touch I do with mine, I mean his family is still close to my family etc so would be weird if I didn't talk to him. Been with hubby since breaking up with him and we're on year 23 together and 16 married. Met up with him a few times but he's just a friend nothing going on there geez no. Probably the same thing care about each other cos you know them and their family so long but it's a friend's love and care not a romantic one, specially if relationship is a good one other than that.

I would have asked by now tbf - however, I think after 4 years you can ask- I'm surprised it hasn't been mentioned to date.