What makes a good parent?

[PepaWepa]

Exactly that really.

What makes a good parent?

Well that’s the problem. Nobody agrees and what makes an effective parent kind of depends on the kid.

A calm parent

Putting your child first, two way respect from the get-go, being genuine and honest.

Kindness, fairness, humour.

A parent who doesn't shout all the time, a parent who doesn't performance parent, a parent that doesn't just shove an iPad in front of a child as soon as they say they're bored. (See it all the time in restaurants)

But also a parent who takes time for themselves too, who don't feel guilty or shamed if they leave their child with a trusted person to go out and have fun. A parent who doesn't put too much pressure on breastfeeding and a parent who doesn't wrap their child up in cotton wool until they're well into adulthood as that can make the child an insufferable partner (from what I've learnt.) a parent who plays with their kids and doesn't sit on their phone all the time. A parent that isn't scrolling down their phone while walking holding hands or pushing a buggy with a child in. I see that a lot too.
To be honest I don't judge any parent; do whatever works for you. The above is just my observation though since you asked. It's not really something I think about.

Fed warm and healthy is the bear minimum.

The small things day to day that show you care, small gestures that show them love. Taking the time to listen so the child grows up knowing that their opinions and feelings matter, lots of affection, providing a sense of security and self-worth so that they feel happy to be who they are, saying sorry when you are wrong and showing them healthy ways to resolve conflict and manage their feelings, providing opportunities to develop talents and skills and experience different things. Modelling how to be a decent adult with a good work ethic, morals, kindness and confidence.

Someone calm, fair, kind and sensible.

Being present. Listening. Taking time.

Exactly. I think we overthink it these days and there's loads of different ways to parent successfully. I suspect anyone with healthy, loving parents will be absolutely fine.

Someone who notices and loves the child they actually have rather than the child they thought they'd have.

Love and respect are the most important things. Wanting the very best for them without envy and listening to what they have to say even if you don't end up agreeing.

But it's also just as important to be willing to put their needs before your own while also having the spine to enforce reasonable boundaries when it comes to their wants.

The only people I know who I consider bad parents fall at at least one of those hurdles.

I have adult children who actively like me and want to spend time with me so I’ll assume I was ok at it. Each child is different and needs a different approach but broadly speaking be calm, remember each stage will pass, when you are frustrated look at life from their perspective. Encourage questions and listen to their opinions, listen to them tell you about the things they are interested in, it costs nothing to listen to a monologue on Minecraft and pretend it’s interesting, imagine how upset you’d feel if you wanted to tell someone whatever it was you were really excited about and they dismissed you. You will make mistakes so own them, apologise and learn from them, teach your children to do the same. Don’t avoid conflict instead teach conflict resolution, show and expect respect. Guide them but let them fuck it up, don’t fix everything for them, ask them what they think they should do or should have done.
Always be their parent not their friend, teach them to be independent as age appropriate and prepare them for life.
Edited to add give lots of love, I never added it initially as I thought that was a given but realised at times it can be difficult to show that love.

Kindness, supportive, gentle, fair, sensible and a good listener.

Responsive, fair, sensitive I guess.

Kind. Able to ask questions, then make space to listen and really hear. Supportive but not smothering. Able to not be brittle and say sorry when you inevitably fuck up. An anchor/safe harbour, always.

Someone who doesn't fuck their kids up. I reckon that's probably somewhere between 1%-10% of parents.

Boundaries, patience, a keen interest in your children and lots of love.

Maybe someone who makes their child (birth, adopted, surrogate…..) feel loved and safe and heard. But, honestly, I don’t entirely know.

Make sure they know they are loved and your priority. That sounds like a given but it isn't always.

Put them first. Cherish them. Spend time with them. See them for who they are. Listen to them. Be there for them. Dry tears. Cheer successes. Know them, not the them you want them to be. Guide them. Support them. Sometimes those two don't go hand in hand easily. Parent the child you have, not the one you think or wish you have. Have fun with them. Show them how to enjoy life, endure challenges, and work hard. Make sensible decisions for them. Be able to make the hard choices for them, they won't always like it but that's your job. Apologise when you are wrong.

I suspect because you are asking you might have a very little one so much of the above comes in more as they get big. Love them is the key one. There's no magic recipe. Baby book authors may tell you differently but there are so many different ways to be a good parent.

Make a list of what is important to you, what you wish for them and prioritise that. I wrote something similar when I was pregnant. I found it 10 years later and sobbed as I realised that although we'd not been to Disney or Lapland, we'd done everything else on that list and it was all the simple things that were the best.