to feel hurt by DH’s irritability

[TheBerry]

I feel as though I’m always irritating DH.

Today is just one example. There are multiple examples per day.

He mentioned he’d had a couple of beers last night and had a headache from it which he thought was weird since he’d only had two.

Later, I was popping to the supermarket and said I’d get some wine. He said he didn’t want any alcohol due to his headache.

Once I was back home and about to pour myself a glass, I asked him, “Sure you wouldn’t like some wine? Or a beer?” The stupid thing is that I THOUGHT before I said it that I shouldn’t say it. But then I thought… well, it’s just considerate, isn’t it? To offer somebody a drink if you’re getting yourself one?

Anyway, my initial instinct was correct because it irritated him. He said, “I already told you I didn’t want one.” I said I just thought I’d offer just in case and he said, “No, I still don’t want one.”

It doesn’t sound like much, but I just feel like I’m always annoying him in ways like this. He always seems quite irritable/grumpy and short with me. He then said it made him feel like I hadn’t been listening to him earlier, or considering the way he’d been feeling. When he said that, it did make think… yeah maybe I’m BU. I knew he had a headache, and I knew he’d said he didn’t want anything to drink. But idk I was genuinely just trying to be polite, it just seems like something you ask before making a drink for yourself…

Anyway, stuff like this happens daily and I just feel bad and keep second guessing myself. I’m never certain if what I’m about to say is going to be met with annoyance.

I don't know about other times but it's understandable he was grumpy on this occasion. I would be annoyed having to repeatedly say no I don't want a drink especially when I have already explained the reason.

It really annoys me if someone pesters me to have a drink when I've already told them I have a headache and don't fancy it. To me it indicates they're either a) not listening to me, or b) don't give a toss about what I've already said to them.

Thank you. That’s giving me another perspective. I was genuinely just trying to be thoughtful, but I can see that actually it seemed like the opposite given what he’d already told me. So, I’ll try to think more carefully in future before saying stuff like that. I should have trusted my first instinct.

Seems like you were trying to pressure him to drink…

Really? By saying you sure you don't want one? Doesn't sound like much pressure to me.
He doesn't need to snap or be grumpy, especially every day. Have you asked him if everything is okay. Could be work or health worries and he's being grumpy with you instead of confronting the issue.

On just that example, fair enough him being annoyed when he has a headache and already said he doesn't want alcohol. It sounds like there could be more too it though if things like this happen regularly and you're often worried about what you say.
Maybe he is stressed and you need to communicate more about what you both need? Maybe he is emotionally abusive? Maybe you don't listen well to him? There's not enough information about other times this happened to know if YABU

I'd see it as considerate you were checking as pouring yourself something as things could've changed over a few hours.

Sounds like you're damned if you do etc

It's not good to feel you have to walk on eggshells. You say that he's always irritable. If he's constantly snappy and you're trying to police and second guess yourself it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Maybe consider counselling

Are you a bit of a people pleaser? Are you always checking in on him and making sure everything is all right? If so, perhaps that's what he's finding irritating.

I'm also wondering if you don't like to stand your ground - it's obvious that that was only an example of his behaviour, but everyone focused on it and you accepted that.

Just saying 'No thanks' was an option for him. Does he ever do stuff that you find irritating? If so, how do you react?

His being irritated in that instance does seem a little excessive and that it wasn’t a big deal, all he needed to say was no thanks. He also could have gone the other way if you didn’t offer him one and said “well I might have changed my mind now so you should have checked and I feel like you were rude not to offer …”! Can you give other examples? It sounds like you feel like you’re walking on eggshells a bit if it’s happening daily.

If he had already said he didn't want alcohol then I would have asked if he wanted a soft drink or tea or coffee whilst I was getting myself a drink.

He is definitely stressed. With work, with life generally. I feel as though he is someone who just gets stressed more easily than most people, and also doesn’t have the best techniques for dealing with stress.

His sleep is appalling because of it, he gets headaches and migraines a lot, and I’ve never known somebody to come down with so many bugs… it’s like a vicious cycle. I do feel that he takes the stress out on me by being grumpy.

I’ve tried to push him to get help for the stress. I’ve made him go to the GP so many times and he’s been given blood tests, various different drugs for the sleep… nothing has helped that much. I’m trying to get him to see a counsellor to maybe help him learn tactics to manage his stress, but he is resistant. He doesn’t believe he has a psychological problem. Maybe he doesn’t, but I don’t know what else to try 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is kind of what I was thinking. If I didn’t offer, he could accuse me of being rude/selfish.

Idk. Maybe. I do feel bad when people close to me aren’t happy, and I think I start overcompensating sometimes. That’s a me problem for sure.

It is annoying when people ask if you're sure you don't want X or Y repeatedly. It makes you feel like they aren't listening.

Maybe he needs a less stressful job & life.
Too often we blame the stressed person for not handling stress right or lacking resilience, when it’s not them, it’s the sheer stress they are under.