I have a male friend, Liam, who I’ve known since university. He’s always said he thinks of me like a sister, but in recent years I haven’t felt the same closeness.
He’s always been very much “Live for the moment; actions first and consequences later”, which I’ll admit could be fun when we were younger, but over time it’s become a bit irritating if he screws things up and then kind of shrugs as if it wasn’t his fault. He also likes his own way; not in a throwing a strop way, but more that he almost doesn’t understand that just because he wants something, it doesn’t mean it will or even can happen. (A bit like those contestants on The X Factor who keep saying “But I REALLY want this!”, even though they’ve been told they’re not good enough.)
Example - a few years ago he wanted us to go on holiday, but wasn’t prepared to spend a lot. Fine - except he didn’t want any of the compromises that would involve. He didn’t want to go in September or October when it would be cheaper; he turned his nose up at cheaper accommodation; he didn’t want to stay further out of town or in a less popular resort. In the end I got fed up with trying to convince him this peak season, great location holiday that would cost pennies didn’t exist and booked to go away with another friend. When he saw the pictures on social media he got massive FOMO and was annoyed I hadn’t “convinced him” to go. (Obsession with social media is another issue!)
I appreciate this sounds fairly petty, but something more serious recently has made me seriously question the friendship. Liam has this really nice boyfriend, Steve. He’s a much calmer, quieter person than Liam. Steve wanted a monogamous relationship, which Liam didn’t deep down, but it was a deal breaker for Steve, so he said yes to it. At least in theory…
Liam has cheated on Steve more than once. He’s confessed when it happened, and although Steve has threatened to end things, he’s kept forgiving Liam in the end. However, this time Steve seems determined to end things. Liam won’t accept it and keeps pushing - but because Steve doesn’t want to discuss it, Liam has started posting all over social media about it; tagging him and publicly begging for forgiveness. I told Liam that I thought this was a terrible idea; that Steve must be feeling bad enough without all his friends knowing. But now we’ve reached a familiar point, which is Liam trying to shift the blame. He’s started complaining about Steve’s refusal to forgive him; he kept saying to me “I made a mistake! EVERYBODY makes mistakes! Everybody!” He just had this bewildered look on his face, and I knew that mentally he’d decided that Steve was the one in the wrong for not forgiving him, rather than him being wrong for doing it in the first place.
I don’t think I can listen to much more of him bellyaching about this while refusing to look at his own behaviour. Of course I disapprove of the cheating itself too, but the way he’s trying to shift the blame is worse. The thought that in years to come I’ll still be hearing how shit his life is and how it’s everyone else’s fault fills me with dread. Is it time to pull the plug?