To just hate my life?

[flowerofwild]

I’m so lonely.

I have good family and friends. But I come home and it’s just me, I can spend a weekend having spoke to no one.

I don’t want this to be my life.

This is a self fulfilling prophecy. I get it. My mother was horrid when we were growing up and I always thought I didn't deserve to be in a good relationship or to have a good life. So I ended up in an abusive relationship. It took years of working on myself, cutting her out of my life and surrounding myself with positive people to get to where I am today. I still have bad periods where I don't think I deserve my DH, baby, house, money in the bank etc.

Personally the first step was to stop thinking about relationships and work on myself (I know, it sounds a bit wanky). But I tried different hobbies, I went to church for a while, I volunteered at a few different places... just basically worked out what actually made me happy.

This is good advice.

My mother died when I was young, and I wasn't in a good place. Ended up in a terribly abusive relationship. Somehow I clung onto education and work to drag me out, but I wasn't happy.

It took so much effort to force myself out of the negative self talk. Nerdy, know-it-all, too big for my boots. I knew deep down those things weren't true, and the bits that were happened to be okay. I am absolutely nerdy, I'm a total know-it-all because I'm fucking clever, and I can and will fill any boots I fucking please.

But it takes being kind to yourself first. Looking at yourself and finding the good. Accepting the flaws - of which I have many! Even learning to laugh at them! I, too, pinch myself when I look at the life I have. I am so, so in love with my husband and look at him and cannot believe I got so lucky. Then I look at myself and think he's a lucky bugger, too. 😉

All this rambling to say - start small! Join one group and do one nice thing for yourself, OP! You've got to start somewhere and it's only you who can make the change. You're not destined to misery and loneliness. No one is.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Whatever age you are you can start to build connections. You do the internet because you are here so what can you find locally in terms of meet ups/ requests for volunteers/ or groups that you might be interested in. Several people I know help out at a food pantry. Would that interest you? Or you could volunteer at a kennels? Helping others often makes us feel good and is an opportunity to make connections.

Would you consider having a lodger? They could bring a bit of comings and goings to the house and you can keep the income tax free under the rent a room scheme - to about 7.5K I think. That would give you some cash to try something new or treat yourself.

Another possibility is getting a weekend shift somewhere a bit sociable like a bar or restaurant. A bit of extra cash and opportunities to build connections.

Could you think about the family and friends that you have already and ask someone to come for lunch or a takeaway one evening?

May I make suggestions? I’m alone by choice regularly- I go from busy household to 3/4 days not speaking to anyone. Things that make it lovely:
• an animal
• self care/ household maintenance routine. For me it’s bringing in logs and keeping fires in. I also have ironed pj’s, nice mugs. I always sit up to eat.
• noise! I don’t have the tv on routinely. I do stream music and podcasts. A small Alexa you can ask to play radio 2 or Bach really changes the vibe.

PP’s suggestions about church, clubs etc. are excellent. You need a ‘modern, low church’. I’m Catholic and sustaining as it is for me, there’s nothing going on except Sunday morning. If you want to say where you are or pm I can find you a warm community.

Able Futures is a free (gov funded) coaching scheme. I’d recommended it to colleagues and heard great reports so I signed up, I’m very impressed (work in a related field so I can judge- it’s very good.) The blurb says something about supporting you with MH issues so you can work, call them, they’re responsive and if you don’t vibe, nothing lost.
https://able-futures.co.uk

How old are you?

You have to get out there, and not sell yourself short.

I recommend either a hobby that will get you out of the house, or volunteering. Or just start going to meet up groups. Or start one yourself.

It's easy for the week to go fast and then you get to the weekend with no plans and if you live alone then it's hard and lonely. You said you have friends and family so why not arrange social things in advance like meeting someone for lunch or to go to cinema/ have a day out, also setup a regular hobby/volunteering that involves others. If you make your life full you won't have time to feel lonely. Also plan some holidays or weekends away, if friends and family can't join you, there are ones for single people you could join.

My friend was very lonely and joined a running group. They went twice a week but had social events as well. She met her boyfriend there. Not saying has to be running but there's lots of things advertised in local Facebook groups like walking groups, pub quiz groups craft group etc that are open to everyone.

Same! 🤣

Have you considered things like the ramblers, a choir, cycling etc? And please see a councellor....you deserve to be happy.

Be honest with yourself op - has that expectation that they're going to leave affected your behaviour in relationships?
Have you been
Too detached?
Too needy?
A people pleaser?
Or anything else that doesn't work well in a relationship?

Join some activity groups or social groups that run activities on weekends. Meetup.com will have groups in your area.

Peanut is an app my DD has used when moving to a new area with no connections, she has made some nice acquaintances, maybe a bit more geared towards mums or Bumble best friends?

Read books on positive thinking.
The more you think positively, the more you will think positively.
Your negative thinking will drag you down.

There's lots of voluntary work you could do to help others too.

You sound depressed. I'm sorry. In your position, I would seek counselling and possibly see your GP xx

Sounds like you’re a more extroverted type of person who likes company.

As you can see from replies, many people see it as heaven to come home to an empty house - including people like me who actually sometimes have that. So whilst it sounds unhelpful, it’s actually quite useful in reframing what you have as not entirely negative.

However, if that’s not for you, have you thought about living with a flatmate/ if you own your own home, getting in a lodger?

Re the men, it sounds like you need some counselling there to find out why the pattern repeats itself.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like you've hit a really low point. Please try to get some help and when you feel stronger you might be able to schedule more things into your life to fill the void a bit.. maybe eventually you'll feel capable of dating and trusting again. Best of luck xxx

Where are all these places that offer these pursuits, I would be interested to know?

Loads of places! Community centres, galleries, some meet in cafés or event spaces.

I have been looking but can't find them, I am in Perthshire.

I'd have a look online. If there's anywhere like a church or gallery, have a look at their leaflets. Leaflet boards often have good info on stuff like that. Anywhere people tend to gather. Ask around too!

I feel lonely too. I have been trying to put myself out into situations to get out the house. I have found a lovely group on Instagram that do monthly meet ups and there are some side ones from that. The problem for me with suggestions of hobbies and stuff is it costs money. At the moment I can’t afford to get out there and do hobbies each week or afford a gym memebership etc. that’s what I’m finding tough

So two very different ends of the spectrum.

So insensitive.

My point being, the grass isn't always greener and life is what you make of it 😉