BIL and SIL knowing our shit from PIL

[inthegardenboo]

My H is the oldest of three siblings.

SIL still lives at home and BIL has moved out but literally lives next door and has dinner and goes around to in laws daily.

We have a family and live 10 minutes away from everyone.

BIL and SIL are nice enough but even though supposedly a close knit family, they treat us like strangers in my opinion. Never really giving away many details of their own business, never even sharing as much as any kind of real information or thought with us. Never levelling with us, on the relationship with their parents.

My H and his father are in business together and this causes some friction in the family, as you can imagine. BIL and SIL never ever let my H know that they understand the difficulty in working with family and level with him about it, but would rather always clearly take sides with PIL. There have been some upsets and whenever BIL and SIL have been around, they very clearly and loudly took parents side. They've never once said to him that they understand the difficulties faced. But if anything comes up, you can tell they think the parents are always right.

We don't discuss our issues with PIL with H's siblings and just get on with it. However, there have been a few times over the years where they've just happened to be around.

The relationship with in laws is complex.

Now onto my point that PIL discuss our business with their other kids, but they don't discuss their kids's business with us. They know stuff about our finances / our plans etc. but we don't know anything about them.

Why do they know stuff about finances ? Some of the finances are unfortunately interlinked because of the business and it can't be helped sometimes.

They seem to express opinions about things we do / decisions we make, as they have access to this information, but not from us.

My H is clearly the black sheep in the family and according to MIL it's because I'm a horrible person of course. I once did raise it with mother in law that sometimes she could discuss her grievances with me without a massive audience. This was after I had my first baby and she was hyper critical of everything I was going, in front of everyone and I felt embarrassed. I asked her to please next time, either keep it to herself or take me to one side and not discuss in front of everyone. She absolutely lost it because she felt like I was calling her other children strangers.

I want my H to raise it and if he won't, I will. No one should know our business from PIL.

If your husband isn’t willing to get involved then you need to stay out of it really, this is his family and so his issue to sort out. All you do by interfering yourself is give more ammunition for them. With regards to them telling others things, just stop telling them things. There’s obviously no love lost between you all so just stop giving them info to spread? Yes there’s some inevitable with the business overlap but outside of that, don’t pass any info on.

We don't overshare our business but they seem all up in it anyway.

Unless someone tells them, they don’t know. So if you don’t want them to pass it on just stop the flow of info to them, that’s what I’d do.

I'd say to them that I can't quite decide who is ruder, them presuming to voice an opinion on our business which is none of theirs, or the gossips that shared our business with them in the first place.

@Mrsttcno1 Sorry did you not read that they're in business together and our finances are interlinked so some stuff, they just know and we can't stop that.

Don't tell the PIL anything you don't want passed on. If they are talking about income from the business etc DH gets then probably its time to leave the business and get a different job and move away.

However it sounds like DH isn't that bothered so I suspect nothing will change and you will just get yourself wound up. Feed them some false info. Then when SIL or BIL fake surprise and say I don't know where you could have possibly got that from.

Maybe it's time for your husband to cut the apron strings and get a job where he is not working with his dad?

And give up 15 years he's been working his arse off ? To just let it all go ? They're co owners of a successful business

Oh it definitely annoys him too. He said he was going to mention it in a nice way

Seems odd to go into business with a parent and the black sheep of the family.

If the parent thinks he's that bad, why would they go in with them?
If the child thinks the parent thinks that, why would they go in with their parent?

He needs to get out.

Yep

@BodkinToday ok that doesn't make sense. It's our families livelihood and you can't just leave it behind on a whim. He's got plans for the future and things are going well.

Can't he go elsewhere?

Time for DH to make noises to FIL about moving away and starting his own business in <random location at least 200 miles away> that you’ve always loved?

Then when FIL craps himself, DH says then have our backs a bit and understand what our issue is with the dynamic, and realise that we’re probably a lot more essential to your happy status quo than sis and bro are.

My MIL sees herself as the matriarch. She once told me “I will decide who knows what [between herself, FIL, BIL and family, SIL, us, her siblings etc], I’m the head of my family”. Her DD is unmarried and they speak on the phone at least once a day. After disclosing private medical information about me to her other children, when we’d specifically asked her not to, we stopped telling her anything. This was 15 years ago.

She feels ostracised and left out - we don’t care. She knows we are deliberately not telling her stuff - we don’t care. She would LOVE to know about our finances, family plans, holiday plans, housing plans etc. It kills her that we don’t tell her. We won’t care.

Your DH will have to either ask his dad not to tell his wife various things, or give his dad only the most essential information knowing he’ll pass it on. He has to get used to saying “we’d rather not say, we know everyone will end up knowing this and we’d rather that didn’t happen. All you need to know is blah blah”.

Well, since leaving the business is evidently not an option, there are only a couple of approaches to take:

First choice: Your husband could speak to his parents about how the two of you feel, addressing the imbalance in the sharing of information, your desire for things to remain private, etc. This will only work if his parents respect his request, so I wouldn't count on it. They should already know better, and if your husband is actually the black sheep in the family, they may not take his requests as seriously. (But I have to say I'm surprised the black sheep is the one taking on the family business. That's usually golden child territory, isn't it?)

Second option: Grow a thick skin where his family is concerned. Come up with a bland response and stick with it. Let annoyances roll of your back. Possibly spend less time with them, if that's an option.

So you raising your grievances with them is not going to go down well with the people who are intricately linked to DHs work and finances.
Yes they are BU. Yes they shouldn't discuss your private business with others. But you going in to tell them off will only end badly going on what you've described and then that puts DH in a super difficult position work wise.

So your only two choices are:

Your dh leave the business but clearly will not.

So you are left with him telling him in a firm conversation not to discuss personal stuff. Of course they won't but if they stop doing it in front of you then that should be good enough.

I think Yabu in expecting a child to side with a sibling over a parent, as it's natural to pick your parent. Them knowing your business is because of the work relationship. If you don't live near them then can't you limit your contact with them, send the kids over with your dh.

See to me, it's more natural to either not side with anyone or side with a sibling.

Very similar circumstances in my own birth family and I would never behave the way they do towards my brother and SIL.

I know family stuff is tricky, on both sides. It's never 100 percent parents in law's fault but it's also never 100 percent our / H fault.

It's complicated and as a bystander you should make sure each party is understood and validated and just stay out of it aside from that. They just understand and validate the parents unfortunately and side with them. They should not.

They're unlikely to change. Just make sure they only know the bare minimum. Alternatively, you could entertain yourselves by drip-feeding nonsense and see how quickly it spreads.

I think I'd invent a few juicy nuggets of information to drop into the conversation with FIL to see how the 'family' reacts.
E.g. A huge inheritance coming your way, a planned move to Australia etc.
May as well enjoy the intrusions into your privacy!

One of them lives with your PIL, the other one lives next door. Of course they're going to side with PIL rather than their brother.

Why should she stay out off? It's her life they are talking about regardless off it being his family!!!

Did they start it together at the same time or is it just nepotism?

I ask because my DH is the BIL in the same situation (brothers are nepotism tie ins, and yes they work hard but there's no way they could have started the business themselves or grown it in the early years, and they are definitely reaping all the benefits after coming in 10 years later when the harder early days were long gone) and the inlaws are forever bitching to him about the family members that work in the business and it's very manipulative - he prefers to stay out of it but always gets dragged into it by MIL.

You aren't going to escape it, they're bitching about him behind his back and will continue to do so.

How many disagreements are you having with these people you’re are in business with?
You shouldn’t be fighting this much.

It’s not a happy life. They clearly don’t work well together. Buy his dad out? Sell to his dad and move on?