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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Setting boundaries with in-laws

12 replies

JoyousStork · 21/09/2024 07:40

Hi ladies.
Yesterday me a sense my husband decided to set some boundaries for our family in terms of how often we see each other. This includes our children.
Our relationship was fine until the children came, and all of a sudden I was the villain. I took everything and did nothing apart from stay true to my values because I was young.

However, MIL behaviour kept getting worse and racial stuff started being involved and displayed. I told myself I'd be okay as long as I shrugged it off and put up with for the children. I wanted them to have grandparents involved at the capacity they were having, despite our relationship.

She would always cross boundaries by pushing her own wants . Staying longer than she was supposed to by 5 days for example, by lying to my husband about me saying she could. She would even pretend to be sad and then immediately get angry at me. On the third day out of 8 I would be crying my eyes out because of her. When she left I felt guilty despite her making racist remarks towards my children 3 days in a row and causing me upset. She even got her husband involved to openly say that me ans my husband are really dirty in front of my kids.

They are 2 & 3, but recently something happened that surrounds a topic of trauma that I have and she says to my husband that I'm lying. That was the last straw. She even said to him that she was going to lose interest in our children soon. That's a boundary I can't let anyone cross, as my kids need to be safe from predators.
It taught me that she likes my children but doesn't truly care for them, just like her own children. I have always cared for my children alone/ with my partner. She hasn't taken care of them since they were born.

AIBU for saying it'd be best that we see each other on birthdays and special occasions, summer etc. To protect my mental health and keep a healthy relationship.

Ps. There's way worse but I feel bad saying those things.

OP posts:
nutrosti · 21/09/2024 07:45

racial stuff started being involved and displayed. I told myself I'd be okay as long as I shrugged it off and put up with for the children

for your children ALONE, this woman shouldn’t be near them
i certainly wouldn’t want my children near her let alone regularly

nutrosti · 21/09/2024 07:45

your dh appears to be missing a spine.

ZekeZeke · 21/09/2024 07:48

Your post is jumbled and difficult to understand.

If your DH wants to see his parents then tell him go visit them alone, you don't have to go along and you certainly don't need to allow racists in your home.
You need to protect your children from racism, if this means cutting your in laws out of your lives, so be it.

JoyousStork · 21/09/2024 08:05

ZekeZeke · 21/09/2024 07:48

Your post is jumbled and difficult to understand.

If your DH wants to see his parents then tell him go visit them alone, you don't have to go along and you certainly don't need to allow racists in your home.
You need to protect your children from racism, if this means cutting your in laws out of your lives, so be it.

I apologise.
My DH also doesn't want to see them. Thank you for your support. She trying to convince him that we're punishing the kids for setting boundaries.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 21/09/2024 08:09

JoyousStork · 21/09/2024 08:05

I apologise.
My DH also doesn't want to see them. Thank you for your support. She trying to convince him that we're punishing the kids for setting boundaries.

Great your DH and you are both feeling the same way.
He can just keep saying that doesn't work for us each time a visit is brought up, if he wants to avoid conflict.
If not, he needs to call them out on their behaviour You are not visiting because of x y z

Leavesandacorns · 21/09/2024 08:12

Your children will not benefit from a relationship with someone who is racist towards them and their mother.

None of you should have to deal with that, especially from family Flowers

The13thFairy · 21/09/2024 08:13

This is something I will never understand. People wanting their children to have a relationship with racist, sexist, deeply unpleasant people simply because they are their grandparents.

Autumn38 · 21/09/2024 08:17

I think you’ve actually had a really clear boundary in your head. You were willing to put up with her poor treatment of you as long as she was a positive influence for your children. However, she is now being a negative influence for them too, and so you have decided she should not have a lot of access to them.

I think that is a really responsible and mature attitude to take. I have niggles with both sets of GPs but they are AMAZING with our children so they see them all the time. If they were unkind to my children, they’d not see them.

JoyousStork · 21/09/2024 08:32

This is exactly me! It was so hard...
Thank you. So many times I felt guilty even thinking about setting boundaties, despite knowing it was the right thing to do. She was very good at manipulating me until she snapped one day and just started getting angry at me right after.

OP posts:
nutrosti · 21/09/2024 11:23

it’s simple really

“you are a racist MIL and i don’t want my children or indeed myself to be subjected to your views anymore”

nutrosti · 21/09/2024 11:24

When she left I felt guilty despite her making racist remarks towards my children 3 days in a row

wtaf

why the HELL didn’t you get your children away from this abuse sooner?

JoyousStork · 21/09/2024 16:21

nutrosti · 21/09/2024 11:24

When she left I felt guilty despite her making racist remarks towards my children 3 days in a row

wtaf

why the HELL didn’t you get your children away from this abuse sooner?

This was the first time in our relationship that she started saying racist stuff and she was saying stuff about the kids to me, but whilst looking at them. I was shook and honestly hadn't dealt with racist growing up so this was so new to me, but I could tell this wasn't right. They were 1 and 2 so they had no idea what was going and wasn't upset in anyway as I was the one being spoken to. Until the third day that is and that's when I made sure she left my house. I was very young back then and didn't know what to say at all. I was very to myself and introverted.

OP posts:
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