I am so conflicted about wanting to move to Troon

[Butterfly831]

I have been wanting to move to Troon, Ayrshire for some time now. I did consider closer to home nearer Glasgow however prices are too high.

I have spent a lot of time in Troon due to my mum having a house there. Planning on living right in the centre where I have a 5 min walk to everything doctors pharmacy school library, beach, dance classes. I have 3 children and don't drive so I think this would be ideal.

We currently live up a few very steep hills, 30 min walk to school and shops that's about all there is, its a daily struggle to get the 3 kids under 6 around. There's loads of traffic. I'm always stressed and am craving for a more peaceful way of life for my family.

My husband doesn't agree and is very reluctant and tells me that I'll break the kids hearts if we leave, one is in primary 2 and one in nursery the youngest hasn't started yet. I have tried his way for 5 years. I can't shake the feeling that there could be a better way of life for my kids and myself and I'd be able to get them to all of the extra curricular activities really easy in Troon where as just now I don't as it's too much hassle getting everyone on a bus at night. Our wider area also isn't the nicest.

I have decided to try and my mum has offered me her place in troon which I am thinking of bringing the kids and settling in school and nursery and saying to husband he can join when he is ready. Does this sound unreasonable I'm so confused 😕 thank you for reading

I'm not sure that moving out on your own with 3 kids under 6 is a constructive nor collaborative way to discuss this with your DH. If you aren't happy where you are and it isn't working, then he needs to respect that. You also need to accept that the answer for him might not be central Troon. Have you tried a conversation about needing to move, but needing to decide where will work best for all of you as a family?

Thanks for your reply. Yes we have had many conversations. He just doesn't want to move at all. He won't come up with any alternatives. I have suggested other areas however they are way out our price range. I am pretty much on my own as he leaves home at 7.30 am not home until 6.30/7pm 6 days per week. I am just trying to think of an easier way of life. It's affordable in Ayrshire and the children are very familiar with Troon as we spend a lot of time there. so this was my reasoning along with how easy it is to get around. It's useful to get other opinions so thank you for replying

Well it isn't fair in a relationship that either of you gets a veto. He needs to be sat down and explain you are really not happy, it isn't working where you are. If he doesn't want you to be happy then at the very least you need couple counselling to work through things.

Troon is lovely, but moving with the kids minus a husband isn't ideal if he's so against it. Is it just the school that's his issue? The kids are young, they'll adapt

I really appreciate you ladies replying to me. I'm not sure what the issue is as we dont really have a support network here so not losing much by moving. There is his job. I think he just doesn't like change. Having kids has made me realise we are very different. I have a list of priorities for them and when I want to listen to him about what his objections are and what his priorities are he doesn't have anything to say. Before kids we moved like a 5 minute drive from where he had always lived (he bought a house on the same street as his childhood home) and he said he found that difficult. Our local high school also isn't the greatest which he agrees on and I thought we should move sooner rather than later so that we're not thinking of moving the kids come the end of primary school when they are even more settled. Thanks again :) I really appreciate you taking the time to answer this. It's also really helping talking to other people as I've felt a bit alone in this. Thank you

You seem to have thought about this a lot.

Is there someplace you all could move that could be a compromise between what you want and what your husband wants?

It sounds as though your husband wouldn't like any move, it doesn't matter whether it's Troon or somewhere else.

It's not great, but I actually do think you should unilaterally move to improve your kids lives. He'll still hate the idea of moving in a few years time for secondary school, far better to do it now than try to wait for when he agrees. It sounds like he'll never agree.

@climb12sides
I think you are right. Years ago pre kids. I completed my training/degree in occupational therapy. I got a job down south he stayed in Scotland. He never asked me to come home but I got lonely and cane back after 1 year and a half. He wouldn't move down with me. I recently said to him what if I had given you an ultimatum and said if you don't come we'll need to break up. He said 'we'd probably be broken up then' . Which obviously I found upsetting as we now have 3 kids. I don't have a career as I never gave myself long enough experience post grad most want 2 years min experience. I've since put myself through another course. Meanwhile he has changed nothing. He's a mechanic BTW so I think he can probably work anywhere if there's a vacancy he's been doing it for like 20 years.

I said this morning I think ill go stay in my mum's house in Troon see if the kids settle (it's a second home so it's empty and I plan on paying her rent although she says no rush). I think I'll be able to work easier in troon also because of it being a lot easier to get around as I'm responsible for all of the school runs nursery drop off and pick ups. He's welcome to come through as much as he likes and fix our house up to rent or sell. As he has said he would move but he keeps putting it back.

Anyway his immediate response was 'I'm done! If your going we'll sell the house and split the money you can have half!' So it's like if I don't do what he wants then we're over? After 15 years. Sorry this is a bit of a rambling post. TIA for reading if you do.

Hi :) I’m late to this, but wanted to check in on you and see how you’re doing if you get this?? I came across your post because were looking to move to Ayrshire. I hope you’re ok wherever you are and you managed to find a happy medium with your husband, or move on from the relationship ❤

Firstly, I would like to sympathise with you here. I am in a similar position and trying to decide if I should move (but for different reasons) and also worried about the upheaval for the kids. Its so hard isn't it! I have to say all to often on mums net people offer their opinions with very little sympathy, sometimes they come across so harsh, so ignore all the posts that do that!
It sounds like you have some good reasons for wanting to move. Why is your husband so keen to stay? Maybe he is more scared of change then you, or does he just love where you live? I think your plan is quite good actually but maybe he doesn't want to move in with your mum in law? Could you move the kids school and trial it for a month or so? Often you can move back if you don't leave it to long. Have a meeting with the head, find out what the window would be to move back. Stay with your mum for a while and then if it looks like its doing well you could rent your place out and rent near your mum so he's not having to live with in-laws, and your not making such a big commitment at buying yet.
Not everyone feels comfortable about learning to drive but is it something you could look into? Could consider that or getting an electric bike with kids carrier.
In the end you will come to the right decision! But really problem solve, what could my life here better if I really cant move. what is the problem with my husband moving and how could I convince him and do a gradual change, or one where we have a get out clause. If my husband and I cant see eye to eye, is this a deal breaker for our marriage? How can we talk this through so we come to the right decision for both of us. I wish you the best of luck.