To be disappointed about MIL?

[MILwoess]

I’m 8 months pregnant and MIL knows very little about the pregnancy, the baby and otherwise. Not through our lack of trying.

She had DH as a teen and seems to not like the idea that she is going to be a grandma younger than 50. This is her first grandchild and she only had DH, so could well be her only grandchild if we decide to be one and done. She hasn’t checked in on me, hasn’t asked once about the baby, or how DH is in general, and according to another of DH’s relatives she is expecting to come over at Christmas for ‘new baby cuddles’

She has form for not being the most involved and doesn’t acknowledge mine and DH’s birthdays either. It’s been about 5 years since DH even got a card. We send her presents and always try to call her, she accepts but doesn’t initiate anything in return.

AIBU to not want her to think she’s turning up at Christmas? I feel so disappointed that she could show such disinterest, for DH’s sake too because becoming a parent is obviously such a huge milestone in a person’s life.

Seems a bit odd assuming she's reasonably local to leave it 2/3? Months before meeting the grandchild - though I know ow some folks prefer it that way. But I wouldn't want her gatecrashing Christmas day if she hasn't showed up before then - unless Christmas is the usual time you see her?

She isn’t, I should’ve said. She lives overseas.

My mother was 44, really not interested at the time and miffed to be a granny I think

Does she normally visit for Christmas?

No, expects us to meet her in public near where she stays with DH’s other relatives - 2hrs away, which will be too far to go with a small baby this time

Her level of interest in your pregnancy is no indicator of what she'll be like as a DGM once the baby is actually here.

I think you should invite her (even though you clearly don't like her) but this needn't be over Christmas, unless that's her established timing.

Counter-intuitively, the earlier the better. So you can keep escaping to "rest" and could even ask her to stay in a hotel or B&B because of (unspecified) disruption

Our mil never showed any interest... She visited in hospital when was asked not to.. Tried to pass off gifts from her boss as from herself.. Didn't see ds more than twice.. We moved. Didn't see ds for 7 months but expected an invite to our wedding. Ime only those who show interest and love to you should figure in your lives.. Your mil is having a laugh trying to gatecrash your first Christmas with dc...

This is where you realise that she is just disinterested and as much as you would like her to be for the baby and your Dh she isn't going to change. Just because someone is blood related doesn't mean they are people you would choose to be around.

Don't meet up with her at Christmas. The relative who conveyed the message to you about her intentions can be the one to relay it back to your MIL that Christmas is a no if she isn't picking up the phone to her son or reading any messages.

I would stop sending gifts to her too. Why does she deserve this effort from you and your Dh? Maybe have a think about what drives that. Not all mothers are amazing. And no I didn't have a shit Mum or MIL, they were both absolutely lovely but my sister has a batshit crazy MIL so I was incredibly grateful for mine.

Surround yourself with people who bring you joy, life is too short.

according to another of DH’s relatives she is expecting to come over at Christmas for ‘new baby cuddles’

From what you've said, I'd say there's little chance of this being true.

She probably just said it to the relative because it felt like the 'done thing to say'.

It’s been about 5 years since DH even got a card
She's not interested. Save yourself some heartache and stop trying, if DH wants to continue then he can but you stop. Quite honestly though I would have expected MIL to ask her son about your pregnancy or your life together rather than directly with you. He needs his own relationship with her.

@MILwoess oh but didnt you arrange to spend christmas with your family?? she certainly would not be coming into my house after all the ignoring!

Drop the rope. You don’t need to tell your DH what to do but you need to stop chasing her, she’s not interested and if you’re the one that organises gifts and cards then stop.

most likely said what she did about Christmas baby cuddles as that’s what Grannies are supposed to say and if she had confessed she’s not interested then eyebrows would be raised.

disinterested parents don’t make good grandparents. Your baby will be fine without that kind of person in their life

Maybe it reminds her of her own pregnancy which may have been a difficult time for her if she was very young?

Maybe she wanted more children but it wasn't to be?

I know I'm probably being generous with those possibilities given you said she doesn't make much effort on other things.

Don't let her distracted from what is a happy, exciting time.

You can deal with her afterwards if needs be.

She sounds a bit "out of sight out of mind" with things. I'm guessing the distance has something to do with it. Realistically, if she's only in her 40s and living overseas, she's not really going to have time to be very involved with her grandchild (assuming she is working and has responsibilities where she is). Things might change later down the road, but in the meantime, you and DH need to stop wasting time and effort on her because it's only bringing resentment and disappointment.

I wouldn’t travel 23rd with a 2month old for someone like that….

but I’d also keep it calm/chill and leave the door open….despite your justified annoyance

So I’d make it known you are having baby’s first Christmas in your own home and keeping it low key… she’s welcome to visit on the 22nd or the 27th / 28th (or whenever)

if she wants to come give her a mince pie and let her fuss for 2 hours or whatever. It’s no skin off your nose really.

I hated being badgered when I was pregnant, hated fuss, hated talking about it. And I don't like to preen over pregnant people either. Seems very pressuring, and you really don't know whether there will be living baby at the end of it. So, I could see someone standing back and then being more involved once the baby is here.

But it doesn't sound like MIL is really involved with you both. Accepting that this is not the DM/MIL relationship you might wish for could well save you a lot of heartache.

I agree with others that the Christmas comment was probably more her just saying what is expected.

other person: oh you must be looking forward to new baby cuddles’
MIL: yes I am
other person: ‘when will you see the baby’
MIL: ‘oh, Christmas I expect’

obviously I made that up but I can imagine that then being relayed as MIL wanting new baby cuddles at Christmas.

She’s just a person. She is still young and maybe she isn’t mentally ready to play the role of doting grandma yet. she may surprise you when the baby gets here and grow into her role as grandmother. Just let it play out and see what happens.