Leaving husband with one child but not the other

[user0082747]

I grew up with an emotionally labile father who was abusive and violent at times.

My mother recently told me that when I was a child there was an incident that led her to leave him. When he was at work one day, she took my older brother and went to stay with her parents, but left me behind. I would have been about 4. In the end it was only temporary and after a few weeks she came back. She told the story in a really blasé way like it didn't occur to her how it might make me feel, and didn't provide any explanation or further context.

Can I ask how others would feel about this? Is this something you would ever do with your own children? I'm not really sure what to make of it to be honest. AIBU to be upset?

That’s terrible.

Yes, it’s appalling that she left you with him given the context.

I would have to ask her why, and if she was defensive or unhelpful about it, I’d create some distance

I would want an explaination

Sometimes abusive parents only target one child so she may have been confident that you would be safe with him.
Do you and your brother have the same dad?
(I know that you didn’t say abuse btw)

Yes, same dad. He would be physically abusive towards me too sometimes.

Yes its awful. But presumably years ago, it would make me think less of her for sure, but I'd just try and ignore it as it makes no difference now.

Why did she tel you this?

does your mum have form for belittling/critcising/being nasty to you?

I think it was quite common in the past that when families would break down they would split the kids. It’s not remotely ok but it was a different time and perhaps the reason.

My Granny left my Dad with my Grandad and took his younger siblings with her. He was 16 and doing his A levels so maybe she thought it would be best for him.

I don’t think he ever really got over it, although he turned his unhappiness into hatred for his Dad, rather than resentment to his Mum. I can understand why she wanted to leave an unhappy marriage but it must have been a tough decision to make. No-one ever talks about any of it, I’ve only heard 3rd hand through a distant cousin. Families are really complex and difficult! Might be worth talking through in counselling to get past this upsetting revelation.

YANBU to be upset.

At the same time I expect that she had very few options and simply did what she had to to survive. That doesn't make it OK, but it might help to understand that she (most likely) didn't leave you behind because she didn't care, or didn't think it mattered if you got abused.

It might have been like other posters said, that he tended to be more physical with your brother or perhaps your brother was of an age to be more defiant and kick back which she may have seen as riling your father up. It might have been that you were very close to your father at that young age and she worried that it would upset you to be parted from him. A lot of abused women feel guilty for separating children from their father, even if the father is abusive towards the children, because it is very rare for abusers to be 100% bad all the time - usually they can be very nice and loving some of the time. It is difficult to see the full picture when you are living in that situation. Although with an outside perspective, it is clear that abusers use affection and love and joyful interactions as a manipulative thing, it is not always obvious that is what is happening when you are living in it.

It is fairly common for abusive parents to have a "golden child/scapegoat" sort of situation going on. It may have been that you were in the "golden child" role, and your memories of your father assaulting you were when you were older - it is also not that uncommon for younger children to be the favourites in the eyes of an abusive parent because they are still easy to manipulate, whereas older children start to see through these games and try to assert their own will which is when the abusive parent will escalate.

It may have been that your brother acting out his own fear/trauma/learned behaviour was being abusive towards you, and she felt that this would be a way to protect both of you.

Have you ever had therapy to process what you experienced in childhood? It might be helpful. Do you get on with your brother now?

Haven't you asked her why she took your brother and left you with your dad?

I grew up with an abusive father. My mother would leave him sometimes, but lack of support from her family would always drive her back. She would take me and my younger sister and my older brother (because my father really hated him) but leave my two older sisters. I cannot imagine how awful it was for them to be trying to deal with him on their own when they were just children (as young as 10). Mum died when I was 17 and I know that my siblings have found it hard to accept what she did. Especially when they had their own children and knew they wouldn't ever leave them like that.

As one of the children who was taken with mum I feel sorry for my siblings. I'm sure mum had her reasons and leaving at that point (1970s) was really hard to do so I suspect she just couldn't cope with all 5 of us so she took the ones she felt were most vulnerable.

Obviously I can't ask her why or how she felt or what went through her mind when she was making that choice.

I am so sorry it happened to you

You need to ask her why. It could be that her parents didn't want a younger child in the house. Realistically she left you in danger. Your whole childhood was abusive, you've got the right to feel upset about the whole lot, not just that incident.

On the face of it, I think this is appalling, but others have suggested some reasons that may make it more understandable. This story is different to yours, but sheds a light on how difficult a lack of choice is for women. My grandmother's friend left her abusive husband, taking both children with her, but it was a time when women had zero rights. If the husband had wanted to (and he did threaten to), he simply could have told the police she had no right to the children, and they would have been forced to live with him. The oldest child was nearly at the end of high school and chose to go back (even though her mother begged her not to), to keep the youngest child safe. Perhaps your mother had no good choices and did what she thought was best in the circumstances.

In some cases, this would have been fine.

In your case, it definitely wasn’t.

The only thing I can think is that potentially he locked the doors so she couldn’t get in and had to leave you behind?
Although I would have rang the police in that situation.

It does make a difference

Why tell the OP now, and without context or explanation

What difference does it make? It's happened now and it was forever ago.

@Loadsapandas She has a history of telling me things that are inappropriate, and being an all round rubbish parent who couldn't tend to my most basic of needs. I believe she has an intellectual disability, it's like dealing with a young and naive child. When I was growing up it was my job to listen to all her problems and soothe her worries. It would still be my job if I hadn't put boundaries in place and moved a long way away. I was NC for years. I don't think she means to be so shit, I think she genuinely can't help it.

@Choochoo21 My dad was at work so there wouldn't have been any locked doors.

@Noseybookworm I didn't ask her because of the above. It's like talking to a child. The few times I've tried to bring anything up with her she's just given me an 'oh?' and segued into yet another rambling retelling of some random story I've heard a thousand times before and it's never mentioned again. It's so painful when she does this, it's like nothing I say matters. I know it probably sounds like she does this deliberately but I really don't think she does, her memory for anything important is awful. She can't deal with any 'Adult' things, like admin, bills, money, travel etc and has never worked. She lives in her own world and relies on others to do things for her. I spoke to her on the phone last night (I call her once every couple of months or so) and the ENTIRE conversation was almost word for word the same conversation we had two months prior. A story about her holiday, a story about a man stealing something in a shop, and a story about my cousin's wedding. We spoke for an hour and I managed to get about three sentences in. I told her I had a hospital appointment next week and she didn't even ask what for. She has no idea what I do for work because she's never asked.

So when I heard that she took my brother and not me, I knew it wouldn't have been a logical decision because she I'm pretty sure she isn't capable of making logical decisions. The only explanation I can think of is that she wasn't bothered about me, which I suppose isn't a surprise but it still hurt.

@BertieBotts Thank you, that's really helpful. My brother doesn't speak to me, I'm not sure why, probably all this. I'm currently having EMDR.

I don't know what to do about my relationship with her. Part of me thinks I should have stayed NC, but part of me feels sorry for her because of her probable ID and because she's been on her own for years since my dad died. But every time I speak to her I find myself getting triggered and feel wound up for ages afterwards. If I go NC again she'd be so upset.

And I'm sorry other posters have experience of this, even if it was their sibling who was left behind. I doubt myself so much because it's all I've ever known. It's reassuring that most people would find this unacceptable.