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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this sounds true? Custody issue

29 replies

orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 08:40

I have a cousin who has three children, two of which are with her most recent ex. According to her, her ex has taken them to his mums and won't physically let her see them. She says that because she has pressed assault and abuse charges against him, she's been advised not to go to his mums, but she says the police refuse to send an officer with her to help physically get them. She says she still has parental responsibility but her solicitor has advised her that due to her having a criminal case against him, it could take 1-3 years until she sees them back in her care. In her mind, she's not seeing them for 1-3 years. Does this sound true for cases like this? To me it seems far too long. She said social visited him and had no concerns about him but she's pressed these charges so feels they should be with her. The reason I don't instantly believe her is that she does have a lying issue due to adoption trauma and I try to be as sympathetic as possible due to this and have been nothing but supportive emotionally to her and haven't questioned the validity of this once, however she lost custody of her first child due to not being capable and at the time maintained that everything was fine and there was no reason for her first Dc not to be with her. She lied to us then about the circumstances. I want to be as supportive as I can be, but it feels futile if she's not being honest. AIBU to ask if this sounds legitimate time wise and the fact that they haven't been returned to her care via court order or police? I feel so sorry for her Sad

OP posts:
Pieandchips999 · 20/09/2024 08:44

This doesn't make any sense. If someone who is a domestic abuse perpetrator has retained their child without the other parents consent it would need a court hearing rather than the police. However this could be resolved on an urgent basis and it would be really unusual for there to be no contact. The timescale she is talking about is much more common for someone who has lost care of their children to welfare concerns to be told their have any chance of getting their child back

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 20/09/2024 08:46

Assuming they both have parental responsibility the police wouldn't get involved with removing a child unless there was a court order.

A solicitor probably wouldn't tell her she won't see her kids for a few years though, they would try and get to court quickly for some sort of emergency order as there has been violence involved.

It sounds like a scenario with small elements of truth that she has embellished a lot to make herself look like a victim. She might even believe it herself.

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 08:56

@CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate I definitely agree re believing it herself; she definitely does and I think that she is a victim in some way. Her life even post adoption was hard so I feel really sorry for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 08:58

@Pieandchips999 that's exactly what I thought re abuse perpetrator, why would they leave children in his care if he's potentially done this?

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 20/09/2024 09:08

Some of it sounds true- she would be strongly advised to not go to his home and attempt to get the kids herself, it really wouldn’t be safe. But as far as I know it would go to court asap- like an emergency hearing- and given the accusations of abuse/assault the children would most likely be removed from the dad’s care even if they weren’t then immediately returned to the mum for any reason. The police might be used to enforce the court order removal of the children but they without a court order I think the most they can do is a welfare check on them and if the children are safe they can’t actually take them.

Family court and indeed all courts are currently moving far too slowly but I can’t see them dragging on this particular scenario for up to 3 years without the kids seeing their mother regularly. Is there anyone in the family who can go with your cousin to see the solicitor to support her and make sure she fully understands what’s going on incase there’s been some misunderstanding?

GotThatFridayFeeling · 20/09/2024 09:08

Sounds a complete load of bs to me. We had a similar situation with DP's ex. She called the police on her own children who were both under 13 and accused them of abusing her saying she wasn't safe. She asked the police to remove them who called my DP and asked if he'd take them. This was after years of SS and the police being involved. DSC came to live with us and understandably didn't want to return to her. We've never had any need for the police or SS intervention since. They are certainly not abusive children. She said some horrendous stuff to them and hardly saw them for the first few years, it's still sparodic now. To this day she maintains she was the victim in all this and my DP poisoned them against her and is also abusive. She cries and feels sorry for herself, but she's never had any empathy for her DC. I agree with everyone saying she will believe her own narrative.
She's your cousin so understandable you want to support her. Listen but don't buy into her whole sob story. If she wanted her DC back and was capable of parenting then they would absolutely be with her. This sounds like her own doing and she is making excuses.

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:08

She's also been told that her (minimal) contact with her first Dc is now to be over facetime rather than in person. Why would this be the case?Sad

OP posts:
GotThatFridayFeeling · 20/09/2024 09:14

orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:08

She's also been told that her (minimal) contact with her first Dc is now to be over facetime rather than in person. Why would this be the case?Sad

Only if the DC was at risk from her.

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:16

@GotThatFridayFeeling it was supervised visits in her DC1's house though, she never had them alone since they've been rep over from her.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 20/09/2024 09:16

Sounds like a load of BS to me...

Kitkat1523 · 20/09/2024 09:18

has she taken this to the family court arena?
are Cafcass involved?
what is her solicitor saying?

GotThatFridayFeeling · 20/09/2024 09:19

Sounds like DC1 may have requested facetime. How old are they?

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:26

@GotThatFridayFeeling 6

OP posts:
Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:28

@Kitkat1523 no, no and that it could take 1-3 years for them to be returned to her via court order.

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 20/09/2024 09:33

orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:28

@Kitkat1523 no, no and that it could take 1-3 years for them to be returned to her via court order.

So she’s doing nothing to get them back then if she hasn’t applied to courts ……it could take forever to get them back if she’s not doing anything about it…..she has PR so she needs to get her arse to a solicitor, and get the case in the court arena

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 10:31

That's what I thought @Kitkat1523

OP posts:
BluebellTimeInKent · 20/09/2024 10:44

No, this doesn't sound true. If the children were living with her, and the father refused to return them after seeing them, AND there were outstanding allegations of domestic abuse against the father, then she would be advised to apply for an urgent order to have them returned to her and this would be more like 1 - 3 days than 1 - 3 years.

My guess would be that the father has refused to return them because of concerns she was unable to care for them properly. Can she seek supervised contact with them in the meantime?

Kitkat1523 · 20/09/2024 11:30

orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 10:31

That's what I thought @Kitkat1523

Sounds like she doesn’t want them back?

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 11:32

@Kitkat1523 she says that she does but given that she's not gone to court, I think that perhaps her actions say otherwise.

OP posts:
GotThatFridayFeeling · 20/09/2024 13:48

Wow so she's dumped 3 kids aged 6 and under. She's a star.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/09/2024 13:53

No it doesn't sound right. She would be applying for an urgent court hearing for a residence order, not just accepting the loss of her dc. I wonder if something else has happened.

Original poster
orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 13:55

@GotThatFridayFeeling she lost custody of DC1. She's young and has adoption trauma and had a hard life post adoption. I don't agree with her choices but I'm not sure it's as simple as that.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 20/09/2024 13:59

It's utter bollocks.

Makes you wonder what else is.

GuestFeatu · 20/09/2024 14:01

orangeyfox · 20/09/2024 09:28

@Kitkat1523 no, no and that it could take 1-3 years for them to be returned to her via court order.

That's nonsense. Who told her that?

parietal · 20/09/2024 14:05

so the kids are now with their paternal grand-parents and neither mum or dad is primary carer? sounds like that has been put in place because the mum can't or won't look after them.

Lets hope that the grandparents provide a safe loving environment for the kids and let the mum sort herself out if she wants to see them.

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