Dealing with child’s difficult dad

[Honeybea15]

I just need some advice on where to go from here.
Without going into too much detail, me and my daughters father separated and he moved out when she was 9 months old, she’s now nearly 3, I have done everything since (and when he lived with us) she was born, nappy changes, feeds, finding her a preschool, all her doctors appointments etc. the only thing he has done is sort of be a playmate for her when he decides to show up.

At first it was amicable but in the last year or so he has really taken a turn for the worst, he drinks and does drugs every weekend and sometimes during the week too, constantly misses work and that results in him ‘not having enough money to pay child maintenance’.

Now, I’m really not bothered what he does in his spare time, it didn’t affect me or my daughter, until he started showing up at my house belligerently drunk and coked up banging my door down. The thing is, when he’s drunk and doing drugs, he’s really violent, when he lived here he actually smashed my front door and patio door in to try and get in the house (I wasn’t there I was staying with my mum as it was my due date and I didn’t want to be alone). I have rang the police on 2 occasions when he’s scared me so much that I think he might hurt me or my child.

Because of all of this I told him he wasn’t allowed round my house anymore to see my daughter. It’s also worth mentioning he has a very violent past, he’s been arrested dozens of times and also been charged several times with serious assault, which he has always managed to get past doing time in prison.

I told him that he could see my daughter every Saturday round his parents house (he’s 30 and still lives with them) he doesn’t drive so I have to drop her there and pick her up (I prefer this as his dad drink drives anyway which is a major concern) and he could take her to the park during the week but he’s not to enter my home.

This was going fine, until he started missing his days of seeing his daughter because he was drinking, this has happened dozens of times now and I’m sort of over it and sick of having my daughter crying and upset because she doesn’t understand why her dad doesn’t show up.

His family are a bunch of enablers and let his disgusting behaviour slide constantly, his mum is incredibly passive and while I understand you can’t control a 30 year old, she doesn’t seem bothered that he’s constantly upsetting his daughter through his actions.

After months of this, i blocked his phone number and started emailing instead so I had evidence incase I decided to take this further. He’s incredibly emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, constantly name calling and berating me for ‘ruining his relationship’ with his daughter, never takes accountability or owns up to his own vile actions.

I stupidly gave him one last chance to see her during the week and take her to the park, to which right up until the last minute kept his promise, and then didn’t show, ignored my calls and messages, to which I found out he has gone out drinking instead.

I just don’t know where to go from here, I don’t want to communicate with him or have to see him because he makes me feel so small and worthless and really depressed.

Am I able to just cut him off and let him make his own decisions regarding an arrangement order etc?

Take a breath and draw up a timeline of precisely how much time he has dedicated to being a df... Write in it times /dates of offered contact and print off any excuses and rants. Make a file of his behaviour.. Maybe have a thought to reporting relevant stuff to the police. Basically make a case on paper against him having unsupervised contact without actually using your personal (though justified) attacks...

Also apply for sole residency.. If he does something daft like take her the police can bring her back. If he has PR and no order in place they can't... Never trust his family to do right by dd either.. Remember they are HIS family firstly..

Ring your local branch of Women's Aid, they will be able to give you the best advice on how to protect your daughter. Was a referral made to social services by the police? They can also help you to make a plan of action to keep her safe.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. He is known to be violent, drunk, coked up so not a person suited to be around a small child. Even worse is the emotional damage he's doing to your little DD. She loves her daddy but he loves himself and his choices more. Explain in whatever way she understands that daddy won't be around. Get child maintenance sorted through cms so he has to pay. Not your problem if he wants to shove money up his nose your child deserves better. If he wants to he can go through court to see DD but chances are he won't.

CM should be through CMS so he can’t text you bullshit excuses to get out of paying it. He always has money for coke and booze so he can pay the CM too.

I would block contact, yes because he’s violent and untrustworthy. If he’s adamant he wants to have a reasonable relationship with her, he can take you to court and the court will look at the evidence and decide accordingly. May well suggest a contact centre. I doubt he will bother though unless he gets clean and sorts his life out.

First call CMS to get maintenance sorted, start off on the middle option £20 one off admin fee and they review his income annually and send you both the payment schedule. If he doesn't pay up you go to the higher level one where they directly remove money from wages.

If he turns up at your door uninvited, you talk to him through the door do not open it. If he refuses to leave you ring the police. -Advice I was given from a police officer. You can also ring them on the non-emergency number and have your home flagged so if neighbours etc ring jn concerned for you or you ring them you are prioritised.

Contact: First, you can't make someone see their child if they don't want to with a court order or not. I would go via the courts and get it in writing and a child arrangement order so you have residency and can go on holiday etc without him interfering. In the contact order have it in that you "will make the child available at X times" not that you will make her go, that means if she doesn't want to go you don't have to force her or if he turns up outside those times you don't have to entertain him.

I would also ask a solicitor to make a referral to a contact centre, then stop contact until that is set up. At a contact centre it's often a village hall type with volunteers who supervise parents rebuilding their bond with their child. It can also be used as a drop off and pick up spot when you don't want to see him - I believe this is not available in all areas but it is worth enquiring about.

As for DDs upset, don't build up the visit. Have something fun planned for Plan B. Get her some play therapy with a drunk and druggie dad she is probably going to have something's to work through as she grows.

Contact with him. Continue doing it through email and having a written record. Answer factually and non emotionally and don't retaliate or allow him to escalate the situation. Only check it at certain times so that it doesn't negatively impact you and take up head space

Rely on agency's for support. You have done nothing wrong, DCs childcare provider / GP / social services etc may all be able to help and advise and support referrals to other input along with Women's Aid.

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.

You have no idea how much it means to have my feelings validated, sometimes I think I’m being unfair and overreacting but you’ve truly made me feel like I’m doing what’s best!!

I’ve applied for CM and blocked him on all platforms, he’s not the type of person who gets the law involved (due to being in trouble with the police multiple times) so I don’t think I will hear from him again.

I can only move forward and provide the best life I can for my daughter :)

I’ve also purchased a ring doorbell, so thank you for the suggestion! :)