To pull out as a bridesmaid?

[Sadadger]

More of I wibu than a aibu

I was asked a bit over a year ago to be a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding.

I was at the time very close friends with the bride and the other bridesmaids but I’ve since grown apart from this group of friends. Or to be honest I think I’ve been excluded but I can’t be sure and the end result is the same in that I’ve not spent time with or spoken to any of them in a while and I’m dreading the wedding and the hen do in particular.

The wedding is still a year away, the dresses haven’t been bought and nothing had been booked for the hen do or accommodation for the actual wedding yet.
I have put some money into a pot towards these things but I wouldn’t expect it back.

Would aibu to pull out now or should I just stick it out since I’ve already committed?

I would just wait and see. I imagine at some point the bride will instigate this awkward conversation herself, I'd let her do it but then I'm petty like that. Just put it out of your mind until you're contacted. Then you're not the bad guy either.

Just have a conversation with the bride, to be asked to be bridesmaid and for you to have accepted you must have been really close. Do you want to salvage anything? But no YANBU to pull out like.

Depends if you see a way back for the friendship- has it just gone a bit quiet due to life or is the friendship over. I’d personally pull out- only be a bridesmaid if you want to be a part of that persons special day and celebrate closely with them. Obligation is no reason to spend and attend.

I think you need to have a good chat with her. Has anything actually been fixed re dresses, dates, etc? If not, perhaps she's just flying by the seat of her pants and is more relaxed than you expected?

if you're inevitably going to want to pull out then it's best to do it before money has been spent. You don't have to be a bridesmaid, but since you previously agreed it is harder to pull out without it being a 'thing'. There is no way to do it without it sending a message to the bride that you don't value the friendship much or really see a future in it. It will likely kill any chance of becoming closer again, if that's something you would want. It really depends on if you are prepared for this friendship to die entirely or if you would like the chance to return to what it was.

I think much better to look it in the face as you are and to do it now. You're still in the zone where it might be a surprise to her but not a problem or a cost, she might even be relieved. If you wait and see, it'll be more of a problem and be fed by the drama of the wedding planning as that intensifies. Be nice as poss about it, but get it dealt with and be free of it.

I’ve not spent time with or spoken to any of them in a while

How long is a while? And have you initiated any contact?

If it's more than six months and you've attempted to initiate contact/meeting up but been ignored, I think a calm and unemotional message saying that the friendship seems to have gone quiet and does she still want you to be a bridesmaid, would be the way to go.

I don’t know how I feel about it all or whether I would like to rebuild the relationship.

I do think I’ve been excluded but I don’t think it’s been malicious. It’s possibly a bit identifying but I think I’ve stopped being invited to things prevent upsetting one of the other bridesmaids who has been struggling to conceive.

I think it’s been about two months since I had an actual conversation with any of them. I did have loose plans that I initiated with one of them this week but she cancelled.

You could say to the bride.....

you were honoured to be asked but on reflection you're feeling uncomfortable / stressed about the responsibility involved / being looked at/ doing justice to a bridesmaid dress and you'd rather attend the wedding as a guest....

Are you pregnant? Don't understand how you'd upset another bridesmaid who's struggling to conceive? You have feelings too x

Talk to the bride, who supposedly is a friend. I mean, if you don’t think they’re deliberately excluding you - maybe you need to point out that you are feeling in the outer? That it’s been a long time since you’ve done anything with anyone.

Sometimes people are careless with other people’s feelings.

There really isn’t a way to come back from I said I’d be your bridesmaid but I changed my mind. It’s the sort of thing people remember. Now if you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, then just tell her the truth. Just be mindful that your friend might be deeply hurt by that.

If the wedding's a year away then of course they haven't sorted the hen do or the dresses. It's too early. I'd just get in touch and try and rekindle the friendship as clearly you were close at one point and make a bit of an effort at your side too.

In their minds, there may not be a problem. They may think you just don't want to be included or can't for some reason (are you pregnant? Got a recent new baby?). Misunderstandings can happen for all sorts of daft reasons. I wouldn't back out without any discussion with the bride - she will have asked you because she wants you there

I think it depends on how strongly you feel. I know that when I make my up about something and don't want to do it, nothing in the universe will change it. If you feel you can drift through it and then cut loose after, then do that. It depends on what is in your gut feeling.

Think it depends more on your relationship with the bride, not necessarily with the bridesmaids. From your post I can't work out if you've drifted from the bridesmaids and bride or just bridesmaids...
Either of way, I'd have a chat with the bride, I'm honoured you asked me but feeling a little uncomfortable... See where it goes, she might also be feeling awkward about it

On the basis of those reasons, no.

If the friendship group is naturally coming to an end and you're not bothered I'd just let it fizzle out.

If she hasn't mentioned anything to you for a couple of months then chances are you've been dropped anyway.