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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be struggling with my ds18 at home all the time?

17 replies

Jellyangel · 19/09/2024 08:02

DS18 has decided that he's not going to university and is working on developing an online business involving marketing and sales. He's been working on this for over a year and has now got a small amount of clients.

He works really hard and for the past year has been working around 12 hours a day every day (although recently he has one weekend day off).

What I am struggling with is that he is at home all the time!! I live with him and my dd, who is at school. Ds is quite a noisy person and I seem to be aware of him all day - running up and down the stairs, slamming doors, on the phone to clients or people he is working with. He has clients abroad so is on the phone late in the evening. Some days he is constantly talking. Our house is not very sound proof and I can hear him wherever I am in the house except in one room. He also spends a lot of time in the kitchen cooking - I work from home and have to do this in the kitchen/ dining room so when he is in the kitchen it's noisy and distracting.

I'm feeling like I would love some space in the house on my own, but I don't know what the solution is. I have split up with my ex, ds's dad, who lives 10 minutes away, and ds goes to stay with him every other weekend. My ex would love ds to go over there more often, but ds prefers it here with me, I don't know if it's because it was the family home and he's used to it (he has asd and likes his familiar routine.)

Don't get me wrong, I love my ds so much and love chatting to him over dinner, and we have fun together with my dd. It's just him being at home all the time, talking all the time and stomping all around the house that is driving me mad!! I would love some space and peace and quiet at home particularly on my days off from work.

Just thought I would let off some steam but equally if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions about this situation, they would be very welcome!

OP posts:

PoachesPeaches · 19/09/2024 08:07

Does he have a suitable wfh setup at his dads? I don't think it's unreasonable he goes there one day a week to start with.

Another alternative is hiring somewhere but may be tricky with the need for meetings as a shared space would be hard.

MissUltraViolet · 19/09/2024 08:08

Other than asking him to find somewhere else to live?

I think the simple solutions come down to money and whether one or both of you could afford it. Could he/you get a shed/create an office in the garden somewhere? or he could look at renting a local office space for himself?

MigGril · 19/09/2024 08:08

How much garden space do you have? Could you put in an home office so one off you could work their and you both have more space?

sandgrown · 19/09/2024 08:10

Not really got any suggestions but very impressed that an ND 18 year old has got a business up and running. When my son and his partner both worked from home they built an outside office . Would you have the space and finances if his business expands? You maybe have to bite the bullet for a while and take yourself out sometimes on your days off .

crumblingschools · 19/09/2024 08:10

Could he work at his dad’s but live with you?

PoachesPeaches · 19/09/2024 08:12

Another option if you don't require to be in meetings is active noise cancelling headphones for yourself. I wear Sony ones and also have loops when I wfh just as there is a lot of traffic etc.

GoodVibesHere · 19/09/2024 08:13

I think this is just par for the course though. I have a DH who wfh and two late-teen DC myself and often feel there are too many people in the house and I'd like peace and quiet but it's not going to happen.

Seas164 · 19/09/2024 08:13

Honestly? I'd sit on this one for a while and count your blessings. Yes it's a bit annoying and not what you want, but on the flip side what would you like him realistically to do?

Most of the conundrums on here about 18DS are because they're lying in bed all day, smoking weed, slamming doors and not paying any rent and being generally painful.

He's just getting started, it sounds like he is giving it his all, and while I know he's taking up a bit of space at the moment in various ways, could you in your head give it a time frame, after which you'll ask him to find a WFH set up elsewhere?

Starting his own business at 18, getting clients, having the motivation to stick at it is so impressive, you can tell him from me well done!

lateatwork · 19/09/2024 08:17

crumblingschools · 19/09/2024 08:10

Could he work at his dad’s but live with you?

👆 this.

LouiseTopaz · 19/09/2024 08:19

I work in sales and marketing and have always worked from home, co-working spaces are great for this kind of issue, suggest this to him. They are usually reasonably priced with meeting rooms etc. and hold social events, I also found them great for networking.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 19/09/2024 08:25

Is his dad's house empty during the day? If it is then he needs to go there to work at least 2 or 3 days of the week. He's managing to run his own business, he had to create new routines to do that so he's capable of creating a new routine that allows you to work in peace and continue to put a roof over his head.
You aren't asking him to leave or reduce his hours, just to respect that he is affecting your work and needs to change that.

Original poster

Jellyangel · 19/09/2024 08:26

PoachesPeaches · 19/09/2024 08:07

Does he have a suitable wfh setup at his dads? I don't think it's unreasonable he goes there one day a week to start with.

Another alternative is hiring somewhere but may be tricky with the need for meetings as a shared space would be hard.

Yes he has his own bedroom at his dad's so works from there when he is there. I have thought about that, asking if he could go there to work once or twice a week, but I know he doesn't feel 100% comfortable at my ex's house, partly because my ex doesn't clean or do housework or have much food in. So I've felt guilty about asking my Ds to go there, but maybe one day a week wouldn't be too bad for him, and would mean I would get a bit of space.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jellyangel · 19/09/2024 08:27

MissUltraViolet · 19/09/2024 08:08

Other than asking him to find somewhere else to live?

A shed in the garden would be a good idea, thanks. We also have a garage, currently used for storage which I need to clear out anyway, but that could potentially be a working space.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jellyangel · 19/09/2024 08:29

PoachesPeaches · 19/09/2024 08:12

Another option if you don't require to be in meetings is active noise cancelling headphones for yourself. I wear Sony ones and also have loops when I wfh just as there is a lot of traffic etc.

I do wear noise cancelling headphones in the house, but they don't block everything out! Honestly, I feel I have become way more noise sensitive as I've got older, I don't think I used to be like this!

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 19/09/2024 08:34

I think it partly depends how long you anticipate this going on for. If it's for the foreseeable future then of course you have to put in some boundaries in terms of noise, disturbance, etc, including possibly insisting that he at least not work weekends at home. Converting the shed into workspace, having him work at his Dads etc are all options too. If it's very short term and he has plans to get his own place within 6 months to a year, then I'd be less dogmatic but still expect basic courtesy. It would drive me crazy too BTW and also find as I get older my tolerance for noise and conflict is less and less.

Original poster

Jellyangel · 19/09/2024 08:35

Seas164 · 19/09/2024 08:13

Honestly? I'd sit on this one for a while and count your blessings. Yes it's a bit annoying and not what you want, but on the flip side what would you like him realistically to do?

Most of the conundrums on here about 18DS are because they're lying in bed all day, smoking weed, slamming doors and not paying any rent and being generally painful.

Starting his own business at 18, getting clients, having the motivation to stick at it is so impressive, you can tell him from me well done!

Thank you very much!

Yes I do feel very proud of him, he has a great work ethic and is putting everything into this business. He's a lovely, caring son too. It's just the conflicted feelings of knowing all that, but still feeling on edge with all the noise and lack of space. I think that's a good idea, to give it a time frame in my head, and also work out if there are other options eg him working at his dad's or me converting the garage as a space for him.

I'm also aware that he won't be living with me forever, and I will miss him when he's not here, so I know I need to appreciate the time I have with him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Jellyangel · 19/09/2024 08:45

Thanks all - your messages have really helped. I'm someone who has always struggled with putting my needs before others so I have felt guilty about feeling like this in this situation. But I have started to feel quite stressed about it, and conflicted as obviously I love ds and want to support him. It's good to hear that most of you can understand how I'm feeling and that it's not unreasonable to ask my ds to work from his dad's more, or I can look into getting a shed or converting the garage as a working space for him.

OP posts:

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